A Tale of the New Year

As 2010 comes to an end, I can only think about the year ahead. Resolutions that get made and the feelings of failure when they don't get kept. Traditionally, you hear of people always making resolutions to lose weight, start working out, start eating healthier, get out of debt, etc. Ask anyone battling infertility and their resolutions are probably much different than the norm.

My new years resolutions are always pretty much the same. I remember for 2009 it was to get pregnant. For 2010 it was to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Needless to say, for 2011, I'm a little reluctant to make any sort of resolution, because I seem to always fail. I know, I don't technically have much control over the resolutions I make; but when you are battling infertility that is basically all you think about. I don't think about eating healthier, or getting in shape; my thoughts are consumed on holding my healthy child in my arms! Therefore, my resolutions are consumed with having a baby!

Every December I remember saying, next year is our year. I love starting out in January with a positive outlook that maybe this coming year will be it! I feel like I have a whole 12 months ahead of me to make something happen. I have the emotionally hard holidays behind me, and an open road ahead! I know God doesn't want me to give up on my dreams and desires.

In fact in Psalm 37:4 He promises us,

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

As long as I can stay positive and focus on scripture, I know 2011 will be a great year. I have to admit, the past few years have not been great in the baby making area. However, God has tremendously blessed me in other ways. I have an amazing husband that supports me and stands by my side through all of this. I know Ferrari will never waiver, he is always there to offer encouraging words or remind me of how God has us in the palm of His hand orchestrating our lives perfectly! I have a huge supportive family that stands behind Ferrari and I in every decision we have to make. They are there to offer us words of encouragement, and a shoulder to cry on. We couldn't ask for a better group of friends. Ours are always ready and willing to cheer us up and give us some laughs. We don't have any health problems, minus Ferrari's 12 month battle with valley fever. Come to think of it, hopefully this goes away soon! Ferrari has a great job and we have a beautiful home to provide us with a roof over our heads.

I know I have no room to complain, God has given me so much! If I am having a day where I start to feel bad for myself, I quickly remind myself of how many people have it worse. This quickly snaps me back to reality!

Instead of making new years resolutions, here are my hopes and dreams for the coming year:

1. Read my Bible every day!

2. Have a happy, healthy baby!

3. Spend less time watching TV!

4. Start my non profit!

5. Begin the process of writing a book.

Feel free to leave me a comment, and let me know about your hopes and dreams for 2011!

My Laundry Folding Epiphany

Random title I know, but honestly that is what just happened. I am upstairs folding Ferrari's wranglers when this hit me in the face totally out of left field. Which doesn't surprise me much because some of my greatest ideas have come to me when I least expect it. For instance, Hadilyn's name came to me in the middle of the night. I woke up, wrote it down in my iphone and informed Ferrari in the morning how I had named our unborn baby girl in the middle of the night, haha.

Anyway, that is all beside the point. I'm folding laundry thinking about my day and a specific conversation I had with a friend of mine; when I realized another piece of the puzzle as to why God allowed me to lose the twins when I did. For anyone who has lost a child, this is a constant thought process. I don't know if it's because we are humans or because we are women, but we have to know WHY! Give our pain a purpose, so to speak.

A few weeks ago, we went to visit a specialist. Before I am pregnant again we wanted to know as much as we could about what had happened the last time to hopefully prevent another loss in the future. My doctors have always told me I either lost the twins due to an incompetent cervix or an infection. An infection, you might ask? I know, I had never heard of it either. Basically, the way it was explained to me was a very small percentage of women actually develop an infection during pregnancy that puts the body into full blown labor. The body is trying everything it can to get rid of the infection, so it thinks it has to get these babies out as fast as possible. Well that would have been fine and dandy if I were 40 weeks along instead of 22 weeks 5 days. After the specialist asked what seemed to be a million questions, she gave us her opinion of the diagnosis. Drum roll, please.... she said I had BOTH! Can you believe it?!? I swear I have the longest laundry list of "rare conditions" out of anyone I know, but she 100% believes I have an incompetent cervix and had an infection.

At first I didn't quite know what to do with this information. On one hand I was so relieved to hear someone tell me exactly what had happened, but on the other I knew an incompetent cervix meant a tough road for every future pregnancy. As I thought about how I would have to have a cerclage to prevent another preterm loss, I began to get angry. I didn't understand why my doctors couldn't have known this? Why couldn't I have had the cerclage this last pregnancy, then I would be holding beautiful Arie & Hadie? It would have been so easy? I just wish I had gone in one week earlier, the ultrasound would have surely shown changes in my cervix! Now, the options for this train of thought are to either let this downward spiral continue out of control, or stop it dead in its tracks. Thankfully, I chose the latter or this could have been a long night with lots of crying and tantrum throwing, just kidding, sort of :)

I asked God to show me the positives, why did He have it happen this way? Once I got to thinking, I realized I am incredibly grateful. Had I had a cerclage in place I don't know if I would have started bleeding when I did. Which would have meant, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor & I might not have known for quite some time that I had an infection. Based on talking with the doctor who gave me my amniocentesis, an untreated infection would have killed me. That is why they wouldn't put the cerclage in while I was in the hospital, they had to high of suspicions at this point of an infection. I could have died, but God spared my life! He's obviously not finished with me yet!

This is exactly what I needed today! It is a great reminder for me of how everything God allows has meaning; His plan for our lives is greater than we can understand. This is just another piece of faith for me to carry in my pocket. I can choose to move forward by faith, expecting that, God willing, I will give birth to a beautiful healthy child someday, or I could store my faith in a box in the closet and live a life of fear. Fear the unexpected, fear for my next pregnancy, fear that what we are doing isn't right. I know from past experiences, that this is not the way to live. I must choose to pull my faith out and use it on those hard days. I pray more than ever that God will help me get through each day, through each doctor's appointment, through each decision. This is what He wants me to do! Just like your hubby's like to be needed, ladies, God wants you to need Him too! He wants me to rely on Him to get me through this!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Thought You Might Need a Laugh

This infertility business is very stressful and often depressing. I have found I tend to make a lot of jokes about it. If I weren't joking I'm sure I'd be crying. Anyway, I came across this video on another infertility blog and laughed so hard. I was asked these same questions while pregnant with my boy/girl twins! I know the holidays are hard on a lot of people, so I thought this could provide you with a good laugh if only for a few moments! Check it out!

An Early Gift

My sister decided to give me an early Christmas present this year. Once you see what it is, you will completely understand why she couldn't wait to give it to me! It is the most beautiful Christmas ornament I have ever seen!

Yes, those are my beautiful twins, Arie James & Hadilyn Faith! Just precious!

Here is the back!

My sister had it custom made by one of her friends. You can find more information on how to order one of these ornaments from the Paper Princess. This ornament is so beautiful, it will definitely be staying out all year! Now, I just need to find a cute stand for it to hang from.