Whew, yesterday was a rough one. It is truly a bitter sweet day. I so wish I could have focused my attention on my own Mother and how much I love her! However, this holiday has become one of such pain that it is hard to push the pain and hurt away so I can smile and celebrate with the mothers around me. It's a day with so many different emotions, that it is often really hard to sort through what I am feeling. The couple days leading up to Mother's Day I found myself wiping away a lot of tears, and losing my patience on anyone within two feet of me. Then I woke up yesterday and just kept thinking in 24 hours this day will be behind you and you can move on. Let's go, you can get through this!
So we headed off to church and surprisingly I wasn't stressed about the service even though I knew it was child dedication day and that I would have to choose to remain sitting or stand when they had the mothers be acknowledged. Last year I stood, and this year for some reason I didn't. I think I just felt like the stares would be too hard and I didn't want to have to justify to someone that I am a mother. So I clapped for the other women, with some what of a smile on my face. I realize now that my heart was pretty hard, and it takes a lot to admit that but it was.
Then pastor began preaching on being broken. If I didn't know better, I would swear to you that God gave the pastor this specific sermon just for me. I'm so not joking either, I caught him making eye contact with me, & quite a few times too! Once he got into the sermon, I was kicking myself for not having tissues in my purse, seriously how did I not bring kleenex on Mother's Day/ Child Dedication? I apparently thought I was pretty strong emotionally, haha I should have known better! Ferrari kept sweetly offering the sleeve of his shirt to wipe my tears, because he knows how much I hate crying in public.
Pastor talked about being broken in the "waiting room," waiting on God to give you a miracle and heal you or remove you from whatever situation that has been encompassing your life. He challenged us to be happy and excited for those around us that ARE receiving their miracles. If we can't handle celebrating with others, than why would God entrust us with our own miracle. It was like a bad car accident. I wanted to look away but couldn't muster up the strength; because I knew I needed to hear those words, but the tears they just kept streaming down my face. I pictured myself like a child with my fingers stuck in my ears and shaking my head back and forth because I wanted to do whatever I could to drown out what I was hearing. The sinner in me wanted to jump out of my chair and stomp off to wipe the running mascara off my cheeks, but the hurting woman inside was desperate to drink up those words of wisdom he was sharing- How could I expect God to do a miracle on my behalf, if I sat jealous and angry as I watched those around me receive their miracles?
That sermon was the best thing I could have heard yesterday. It was exactly what I needed to hear, not sugar coated to make me feel better about my situation, but like a cattle prod pushing me to be the better version of me while I wait. Do you know how much I hate being the girl that cries when my friends announce they are pregnant? I hate that my friends have to tread lightly around me when they are pregnant, trying everything they can to not upset me. They are so sweet to be patient and sensitive to my feelings, but I want so badly to be overjoyed for them and excited for their great news! I want the attention off of me and what I am feeling. I want to be "normal" again. I want to throw the baby showers and help decorate their nurseries. As hard as it is for me to hear their good news, I want so desperately to celebrate with them! God is working on enlarging my heart, and I am thankful for it. He will not abandon me as I work on changing, instead He will be right there with me to offer strength and support!
Maybe this was a sermon you needed to hear too, or maybe you just needed to know there are others out there that have a hard time on Mother's Day, or that there are other women who struggle with hearing their friend's good news. I am confident God wants to help you be excited for other's miracles, and I am confident He will instill in you an everlasting JOY that can only come from the Father himself. Can you imagine the day your miracle happens, and no one is around to celebrate with you because they are too wrapped up in their own pain & waiting? God doesn't want that, He wants his sons & daughters to be there for each other through the good times and the bad.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Hope on Wheels
Mother's Day is just around the corner, and for us baby loss mommas this can be one of THE most difficult days of they year. I am so excited to share with you about an experience that you won't want to miss! My friend and mentor, Kathe Wunnenberg has started on organization called Hope on Wheels. She is a fellow baby loss mom, and she is one of the most encouraging women I know! If you are dreading the upcoming Mother's Day, allow yourself this day away to prepare emotionally and connect with other women who understand!
May 5th is her
3rd Annual Mother's Day Hope on Wheels Bus Trip!
You can experience TRANSFORMATION through heartfelt sharing, a worship experience, women who can relate to your loss and restoration in a serene 30 acre lush setting along Oak Creek in Arizona.
If you are dreading the upcoming Mother's Day, allow yourself this day away to prepare emotionally and connect with other women who understand!
For more information and to sign up visit
You can also underwrite a seat on the bus for a women by clicking Give a Seat on the website.
Friday, April 6, 2012
A Tale of Choice
I have been attending a Bible study at my church based on the life of David. During the past 8 weeks we have watched David as a young boy sling a stone and kill a giant, rise as King, and fall in times of sin and despair. Bits and pieces have spoken to me more than others, one event of course standing out- when David loses his son. He was "the man after God's own heart," and yet he made oh so many mistakes, and if I can be honest, he could possibly be entered in the Guinness Book of World Records for how many times he majorly messed up. The one thing I kept noticing throughout the study was how many people were affected by things that he did or didn't do. I think at times, he was completely unaware of how his actions were affecting others. If only he could have lived in the iPhone age, then maybe his many wives, servants, and children could have tweeted or Facebooked him to keep him in the loop.
Reality is everything we do or go through- the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly- has the ability to affect so many people, especially in our social media obsessed world. You can now notify every person you know the moment something occurs, and you can even snap a photo of it, thanks to smart phones.
I have learned to embrace where I'm at, and to own my mistakes and celebrate my victories. People can relate to you if you are real. I have never been one to have many "girl-friends," perhaps because I didn't really feel like I connected with them. I was always better at being friends with the guys. When Ferrari and I started dating in high school, all of that quickly changed. For some odd reason he wasn't ok with me hanging with the guys anymore ;) Yet now meeting women seems to be a main part of my ministry. Unfortunately, I now have a lot of "girl-friends" and I'm not saying that I don't treasure each and every one of them, because I love them all; I'm saying that the field of loss and infertility that I'm in, seems to be growing out of control. There are more and more women in my field everyday.
I am contacted through this very blog, by email, and even by phone all the time. I never in a million years would have thought that what I have been through, or my decision to start a blog could affect/help so many women. I thought I was doing something for myself, creating a place to write about my emotions and the things that I was going through to help me gain a better understanding of my crazy life. I had no idea God was knitting together a network of women that could care for and support each other. I have been able to meet a few different women that have received Owl Love You Forever boxes in the hospital. I can't even explain to you the feelings I get when I see the organization come full circle, like when I can hear each mother's story, see pictures of their baby wrapped in the blankets, or that they can't sleep without their stuffed owl in their arms. God did not put us on this planet to live our life in solitude, not affecting others. He purposely allows us to go through things, knowing that they will change our lives and those around us forever.
It would be very easy for me to sit in my bed and cry with the lights off, and trust me I have been tempted to do so on more than one occasion. Satan can creep into my mind and assure me that I don't deserve all this heartache, and he will have me believing that God doesn't care about little 'ole me anymore. I have to stop that thought process before it starts, because the mind is a very powerful tool the devil uses to destroy us. I have to remain in God's word so that I can fight Satan with the Truth. God has a bigger plan than what I can see or understand. He allows each and every event to occur, because He is working them all together for my good. I have to trust Him knowing His plan is pure perfection!
If you prefer to keep what you are going through a secret, I don't blame you because I have been there. I never wanted to discuss my miscarriages or awkward doctor appointments, but I urge you to try. You just might find healing in connecting with someone that has been there, or you might be able to help someone else get through what you have already been through.
Reality is everything we do or go through- the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly- has the ability to affect so many people, especially in our social media obsessed world. You can now notify every person you know the moment something occurs, and you can even snap a photo of it, thanks to smart phones.
I have learned to embrace where I'm at, and to own my mistakes and celebrate my victories. People can relate to you if you are real. I have never been one to have many "girl-friends," perhaps because I didn't really feel like I connected with them. I was always better at being friends with the guys. When Ferrari and I started dating in high school, all of that quickly changed. For some odd reason he wasn't ok with me hanging with the guys anymore ;) Yet now meeting women seems to be a main part of my ministry. Unfortunately, I now have a lot of "girl-friends" and I'm not saying that I don't treasure each and every one of them, because I love them all; I'm saying that the field of loss and infertility that I'm in, seems to be growing out of control. There are more and more women in my field everyday.
I am contacted through this very blog, by email, and even by phone all the time. I never in a million years would have thought that what I have been through, or my decision to start a blog could affect/help so many women. I thought I was doing something for myself, creating a place to write about my emotions and the things that I was going through to help me gain a better understanding of my crazy life. I had no idea God was knitting together a network of women that could care for and support each other. I have been able to meet a few different women that have received Owl Love You Forever boxes in the hospital. I can't even explain to you the feelings I get when I see the organization come full circle, like when I can hear each mother's story, see pictures of their baby wrapped in the blankets, or that they can't sleep without their stuffed owl in their arms. God did not put us on this planet to live our life in solitude, not affecting others. He purposely allows us to go through things, knowing that they will change our lives and those around us forever.
We may not have a choice on what He allows us to go through,
but what we CAN choose is how we react moving forward.
It would be very easy for me to sit in my bed and cry with the lights off, and trust me I have been tempted to do so on more than one occasion. Satan can creep into my mind and assure me that I don't deserve all this heartache, and he will have me believing that God doesn't care about little 'ole me anymore. I have to stop that thought process before it starts, because the mind is a very powerful tool the devil uses to destroy us. I have to remain in God's word so that I can fight Satan with the Truth. God has a bigger plan than what I can see or understand. He allows each and every event to occur, because He is working them all together for my good. I have to trust Him knowing His plan is pure perfection!
If you prefer to keep what you are going through a secret, I don't blame you because I have been there. I never wanted to discuss my miscarriages or awkward doctor appointments, but I urge you to try. You just might find healing in connecting with someone that has been there, or you might be able to help someone else get through what you have already been through.
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Things We Used To Whisper
I can't even explain to you how excited I am to let you in on this NEWS! First off, no I am not pregnant, this is possibly even BIGGER! Ok, maybe not, but close :)
All of us in the baby loss community know and understand that society views our situation as "taboo." If it weren't, we as mom's of angels would answer this question truthfully when asked by strangers, "How many children do you have?" Instead, we keep our real number of babies in our head, and give a forced smile with an answer that is socially acceptable.
There is no question, people don't like talking about death in general, but when you bring up the loss of an infant people get really quiet. No one knows what to do or say, they just sort of stare at you and try and fill the silence with anything that comes to mind. Well, frankly I am TIRED of it! This type of loss happens everyday, and it will continue to happen everyday because of this sinful world we live in! We can no longer sit in awkward silence, but get up and do something about it! We need this cause to be more socially acceptable to discuss, so we can make a difference!
All of us in the baby loss community know and understand that society views our situation as "taboo." If it weren't, we as mom's of angels would answer this question truthfully when asked by strangers, "How many children do you have?" Instead, we keep our real number of babies in our head, and give a forced smile with an answer that is socially acceptable.
There is no question, people don't like talking about death in general, but when you bring up the loss of an infant people get really quiet. No one knows what to do or say, they just sort of stare at you and try and fill the silence with anything that comes to mind. Well, frankly I am TIRED of it! This type of loss happens everyday, and it will continue to happen everyday because of this sinful world we live in! We can no longer sit in awkward silence, but get up and do something about it! We need this cause to be more socially acceptable to discuss, so we can make a difference!
Join me, Owl Love You Forever, and Hosanna Wong in bringing awareness to your community!
Hosanna Wong is an extremely talented spoken word artist that has written a piece specifically for this cause!
Let me tell you, this girl GETS IT! She has started a movement called
She has the desire to spread compassion and hope to those suffering!
Please check out her brand new video!
Visit The Things We Used To Whisper! There you will find all the info on how to help!
Help us spread the word by showing her video, post it on your blog, email it to your friends, do whatever it takes!
Let's make 'Infant Loss' no longer
something we have to whisper about!
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