Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's No Secret... Part One

    It's no secret that I have been struggling with blogging on here since we have brought home Audie Lynn.  Yes, there isn't a whole lot of extra time in my day to devote to blogging, but more than that I am struggling with the subject matter.  I am still getting used to being "on the other side" of grief.  I am still getting used to the fact that so many of my friends are still trying to bring home their baby, or overcome their infertility.  I am still getting used to a lot of things.
     I NEVER under any circumstances want to offend any of my readers, so I am letting you all know that there will be a whole lot less of me blogging about "Life with Audie" on here, and more about what I used to write about.  I have not been cured of my PCOS or my incompetent cervix, so there will be a time that I am very much so in the thick of struggling to get pregnant again.  Those desires to be pregnant as well as the HUGE fears of pregnancy are still very much alive inside of me.  I may end up on the roller coaster ride of adoption again at some point too!  Who knows where God will lead our family.
     I always felt like a mom before we brought home Audie, I was just considered a mom to angels.  The only thing that has changed in the last couple months is that I am Mommy to a living child as well.  Therefore, society can't argue with my Mommy title anymore.  I am still me, the same girl God raised from the burning ashes of loss and despair.  I will stay true to the purpose of this blog, and that is my promise to all of you!
     SO... With all of that being said, I wanted to share a bit more of our adoption story with you.  I know it appeared that we just signed up to adopt, and got a baby within a matter of weeks.  However, the truth is we started down the adoption path in April of 2011.  We knew we wanted to work with Christian Family Care, and I logged on to their website and requested some more information.  I was so excited when the packet came I ripped it open and forced Ferrari to listen to me read every paper inside.  He was less than thrilled.  We have this thing where I have to read everything out loud to him, because if he tries to read it to me my mind checks out within seconds due to my self diagnosed ADD.  Anyway, I had this huge ball of excitement in the pit of my stomach, and started filling out the paperwork THAT night!  We signed up for the next session of classes the agency offered.  Once the classes were over, we felt so much more informed about the entire adoption process.  Literally they answered all of our questions and then some we didn't know we had.  I hadn't been so excited about anything in SO LONG!

Part 2 COMING SOON!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Tale of Disbelief


  Everyone seems to ask the same question, does it seem real yet?  The midnight feedings & diaper changes definitely feel real, but in all honesty I still have moments of disbelief.  I have found myself getting emotional this past week when I would look down at my beautiful baby girl.  It is hard to believe that she is mine!  It is hard to believe that a whole month has passed!  It is hard to believe that a month ago we got THE call!  Our journey to a family has seemed so long, but NOW all of it seems OH SO WORTH IT! God is So Good!

If you are in the midst of a trial or climbing a mountain, I will leave you with these lyrics.  Words that have filled me up when I needed it the most!

One Thing Remains
By: Jesus Culture

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change

One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And i'll never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death
In life 
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love

My dept is paid 
Theres nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Tale of Audie Lynn's Arrival!

     It felt like any other day, I kissed Ferrari goodbye and headed to pick up my niece, Grace.  I was taking her to swim lessons that morning, and was going to spend a few hours with her while her mommy spent some time with Grace's new baby brother.  As we were loading up the car after swim to head to Target, my phone rang.  It was my hubby asking if it was a good time to talk because he had some good news.  At first I told him no, but he proceeded to tell me the information anyway, and I am so glad he did!
     He said he had received a phone call from the adoption agency and that there was a baby girl ready to go home from the hospital today! We just needed to go meet the birth mom first.  She had picked us out of the matchbook, but was anxious to meet us in person to know if we were the right couple for sure.  I was SHOCKED, EXCITED, SPEECHLESS!  I just started crying, which sort of upset my niece in the back seat.  I think she thought I was still mad or sad at her because of her mini-tantrum as I drug her out of the swim school jungle gym.  I kept explaining to her that I was crying happy tears but she just stared at me with the weirdest look on her face, poor girl, hopefully she isn't scarred for life :)
I booked it towards home, because Ferrari informed me we only had about an hour before we needed to meet with the birth mom.  I apologized to Grace for not being able to take her to Target, and dropped her back off with her mommy.
     I sprinted up my stairs grabbing the car seat and a bag.  I will admit we didn't have much to put in the bag, because all we were really told was to have the car seat ready.  I did have one outfit hanging in the closet that I thought would fit her, but no bow.  If you know me at all, I HAD to have a bow for her to wear coming home from the hospital!  So here is where I come clean... I stole one out of the Owl Love You Forever donation bin.  I know, I know, I am terrible, but it was for an amazing reason and I do promise to replace it!!
     We stopped at Baby's R Us on the way to at least grab a couple bottles, diapers, and wipes.  I had my sister text me a list of other essentials for the first day home, because I was not thinking clearly enough to come up with what I would need on my own.  We literally raced around the store, throwing stuff in the cart, it was so much fun! The check out lady asked, "Is all this for someone's registry," I said, "No."  So she asked, "Oh, are you guys just restocking your shelves?" I said, "No."  She looked at us sideways, so I felt the need to explain that we are adopting and just got THE call.  She had nothing to say to that, and instead handed me a gift receipt.  I'm still not sure if she just didn't believe me or what, but I did catch her name, Maddy. I thought her name was cute and immediately began to think about what this little girl's name was going to be.  We didn't have THE ONE picked out.  We had a short list, but as we began rereading our favorites, they all seemed like horrible options.
     Before we knew it we arrived at the agency, & my stomach was in knots.  Was I wearing the right outfit, did my hair look ok?  Hubby kept playing on his iPhone, and I told him to put it away so it didn't look like he was obsessed with it, haha.  I was so worried that she would see us and not like us anymore.  My fears were set at ease as soon as we met, her birth mom is SO incredibly sweet.  She noticed my hair cut and color was different than in my match letter, which caught me off guard.  This girl knew her stuff, and suddenly I felt like I should have updated our match letter.  Then she said she loved the hair cut & thought it looked similar to my wedding photo and I began to relax :)  We sat in a small room and talked for two hours.  It was incredibly surreal, I just couldn't believe that it was finally happening.
     Once we got the "approval," we headed over to the hospital to take OUR DAUGHTER home!  Talk about one of the weirdest feelings ever- park, grab the empty car seat, head up to the nursery, load her up, and head home.  I felt like I was doing something illegal just walking out of the hospital with this adorable baby girl, how could she really be mine?!? The nurses were incredibly helpful and so sweet, giving us some extra diapers and formula!  They explained the basics to us, how to feed, burp, swaddle... it was the fastest Parenting 101 course I've ever heard of, but surprisingly helpful!  She was 6 lb 4 oz, 19in long and just PERFECT!

Our first family pic!

All ready to head home!
     As we were on our way home I brought up her name and almost simultaneously we said that her name should be Audie Lynn!  It fits her perfectly!  Audie is the Dutch pronunciation of Arie, and since the twins were Arie & Hadilyn, we melded their names to come up with Audie Lynn.  We are just in heaven with our new addition, I feel like I can't thank God enough for blessing us with her!  She has been home a little over 2 weeks now, and we are LOVING every minute of it!

Lovely Photography from Dusty Perez at www.lilyphotographydp.com

Thank you all for the support and prayers during our journey over the past few years.

Beautiful photo captured by Gina Bacigalupi over at www.tinybirdphoto.blogspot.com

We are so blessed to have such supportive friends, family, and readers.
God is so good!



Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Letter to the Lord

Not quite sure why I came across this letter this morning, but I figure it is because someone needs to read it.  That person may be just be me, or that person may be you.  So, I thought I'd share it just in case.  The letter was written the day we went to our ultrasound appointment and there was no longer a heartbeat...

February 10, 2011
Lord,
Today was a hard day.  I often wonder how many more of these I can take.  Then I reflect on those days after we lost the twins and that overwhelming feeling of you never letting my feet touch the floor.  It is days like that, that help me find the strength I need to move forward.  I know you are not done with me yet.  
I try and focus on the promises You made to us.  The promise to bless us if we are faithful and not to harm us.  The promise to give us hope and a future.  Well, today, more than ever, I want to focus on the future.  I truly am excited to see what You have in store for us because of Your promise that better things are still to come.
Please watch over my 5th child that way You have been caring for my first 4.  I thank You for loving on them while I physically can't, and for telling them stories about me since they don't really know me.  I promise to mother any children you bring into my home just like they are my own.  If your will for my life is to provide a home to orphans, I will do it gladly.  I have so much love to give!  I want what You want for my life.  I want to put aside selfish ambitions for Your plan.  I want Your plan for my life, to be my plan for my life.  I love you Lord, and I know you love me.  I have faith that my future holds a chance for me to parent children.  Now, I must wait patiently for that day to come!
Shayla