A Tale of Fear

     I've been meaning to write this post for what seems like forever, but the reality is fear has kept me from it.  Fear for those feelings I will offend- since this blog was started for those experiencing such raw grief, fear for what may happen after it's in writing, and fear of writing through what I am really feeling.
     However, I was challenged this past week by some words my pastor said at church last Sunday.  He has been battling a life threatening illness for 2 years now, and still manages to look to God in faith that He is in control of every single day.  The statement that resonated with me was, "Fear has no place in our lives, as believers in Christ."  What a simple statement that carries SO much weight.  So to take his words head on and removing fear from my thoughts, it is with great joy that I can announce that we are pregnant with a baby BOY due June 7th.
     I don't want this blog to turn in to a pregnancy blog, but I do want the opportunity to write about being pregnant after loss.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my twins, but since finding out that we are expecting their memories are overwhelming and consuming.  One of my biggest concerns has been losing their memory, and replacing it with this new pregnancy.  I NEED the opportunity to write about what I remember with them in order to keep their memory alive during this pregnancy.  Those babies will forever be my first ones I entered the 2nd trimester with, the first ones I was able to give birth to, the first ones I was able to hold, dress, and bathe, they were the first ones I was able to kiss and decipher whose hands, feet, and features were like their mommy's or daddy's.  I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.
     I expressed to my doctor a couple weeks ago, that I feel slightly "crazy," ok maybe more than slightly.  He assured me that I am not, but that in a sense I have post-traumatic stress type tendencies.  After all, what I went through is not something your human self wants to allow yourself to go through again.  Therefore, my mind is doing everything in its power to make this situation different as a way to guard and protect my heart.  I explained that I want to do everything in my power to make this labor & delivery different.  That I not only pray for a different outcome, but that God would provide ways and ideas for Ferrari and I to make this experience completely different.  I have vague and muddled memories of the day that twins were born, so I don't want this birth to be one I remember so well that I end up replacing the other memories.
     These concerns of mine seem to have come out of no where, because they are things that I have never considered being a problem before.  However, I will be quite honest I never thought I would be this far in to a pregnancy again.  Not that I didn't have faith that God could bring us to the 2nd trimester, but because I didn't think I would ever have the strength to try again.  Now that I am here some days feel like too much to bear, while others I am completely fine.  Oh the joys of hormones :) The emotions seem to be getting more intense as I approach the 22 week mark, which was the week the twins were born.  I need to be able to break past this barrier in my mind, I need to see what it is like past 22 weeks.  This baby boy and this pregnancy are not the last one, things will not go the same way.  With every pregnancy I have felt completely different symptom wise, so why would all the journeys and outcomes be the same?  I need constant reminders that God has a plan for this baby that has nothing to do with the loss of his older sister and brother.
     I would appreciate your prayers and encouragement, especially if you have experienced a rainbow pregnancy.  I DO NOT want to let satan steal my joy of this pregnancy, I DO NOT want him getting the satisfaction of making me miserable.  I will continue to be positive, keep my chin up and rely on God.  I want to take pictures and remember every milestone.  I want to remember what this pregnancy feels like, and I want to remember what it feels like to rely solely on Christ to get me through yet another situation.  I will be stronger for it, and so will my family.  I can proudly say I am 100% attached to my son inside me, I will not protect myself by not fully connecting with him.  He is a child of mine, no matter the outcome and I will love him dearly and care for him the best ways I know how while he is here with me.

To the Mom...

It was late one night, I couldn't sleep;  I opened my laptop and before I knew it this post was written...

To the Mom whose heart is not yet complete, longing for that first positive pregnancy test:  I say to you, don't let anyone make you feel less than.  You are strong, and worth SO much more than you may know.  You are alive because God wants you to be and your life is unfinished.  Keep your chin up as you wait for a little one in your arms, try and be open to what road God is laying out in front of you because it may not look like the path you had initially envisioned.

To the Mom whose heart is broken from saying goodbye to your baby too soon: I say to you, you will survive.  As hard as it is to stop crying, one day the tears will dry up.  As hard as it is to get out of bed, you will find your foothold again.  You will NEVER forget your child, but find ways to mother them on this side of heaven.  You are a mom, and always will be a mom- don't ever let someone steal that from you.  And one day, you will smile again- and trust me it is ok to do so!

To the Mom whose heart is bursting at the seams from overflowing blessings: I say to you, relish in every moment with your child.  Don't take a single day for granted, because we aren't promised tomorrow.  Be thankful but humble, because you never know who around you wants desperately what you have.  Give yourself a break from time to time, because you can only be the best mom when you recharge your soul.

Baby

     I have been asked over and over how I did what I did.  More specifically, I would be asked, "How did you plan the twins' memorial service?  How did you pick out their casket, the flowers, and the music that would play, and how did you make it through the service without sobbing uncontrollably?"  To be honest, my response was always the same. "The only thing I know is that God carried me through it all.  He didn't let my feet touch the ground until after their burial."
     It wasn't until after all of the "business" side of things were taken care of, did I allow myself to just sit, sob, grieve, and really feel what I had just experienced.  When you are in the thick of it, some crazy inner strength comes out and you do what you have to do to get by; and it isn't until the dust settles that your heart begins to feel the magnitude of what happened.  
     God knew that if He didn't carry me through those first days, there would be a chance that I would never regain the strength to stand again.  He didn't abandon me during my darkest hours, he lit up my face with a smile as I hugged family and friends at their memorial and burial.  I was able to make it through things that I never in a million years thought possible.  Things that are NOT supposed to happen.  Parents aren't supposed to bury their children, it disrupts the natural progression of society.  I shouldn't of had to pick out a tiny casket or songs that should have been played, but I did, we did, our family did.
     Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with more things that I shouldn't HAVE to do, but reality is this is where God has me.  I am forced to figure out things that don't come with a manual of any kind.
     God has blessed me with the MOST beautiful baby girl I could have ever dreamed of, and at some point will have to teach her about death, heaven, and her army of angels looking out for her from above.
As my daughter has gotten older, she now enjoys pointing to pictures and naming who is in them.  Last week, she pointed to a picture of Ferrari, me, and the twins from the day they were born.  She looked at the picture, looked back at me, and popped out her paci to say proudly, "baby."  My eyes teared up, and I nodded with a smile.  "Yes, that is your brother and sister, I explained."  Knowing full well that my one year old has no idea what that meant.  It stirred my heart, and I haven't been able to shake the feeling since.  I think about the twins and my other angels every single passing day, but I don't talk about them to her.  I am not keeping them from her, I just haven't found the right way to weave them in to our conversations.
     I started to worry about what she would think, how it would affect her, and if her adoption on top of it all would send her over the edge or if she would embrace it all as a part of her.  All I can do is pray that it makes her more understanding, more loving, and more sympathetic to others.  I can hope that it makes our family closer and that it doesn't drive us a part.  Someday, and I know that day will be here all too quickly, we will see her response.

     As for today, all I can do is continue to teach her about her brothers and sisters and paint her a beautiful picture of what Heaven will be like when we are all reunited together as one big family!

A Tale of Permission

     Grief is not a cycle, it is not a wheel, or step by step process.  Grief, for you, looks very different than what it looks like to me.  God designed each of our fingerprints to be unique, and similarly He designed each of our journeys through grief in the same way.  No one should expect your grief to look like theirs.
     Now that being said, I am a firm believer in facing your grief and not sweeping it under the rug.  Ripping it off very much like a band aid.
     If you lose a child or lose your ability to conceive or carry a child, and then live your life as if it didn't happen, I promise you the grief will come out.  Wouldn't you rather be in control of when that grief makes an appearance?!?
     Unfortunately, I have heard moms express the inability to connect to a pregnancy or baby after the loss of a child because they never dealt with their previous loss.  A new baby won't replace the one that was lost, therefore once the new child is home the pain from the first loss is not removed it is just simply masked.
     I remember being in the depths of my pain and feeling bad for the emotions I was having.  It wasn't until someone game me permission to feel whatever I was feeling.  To acknowledge the emotions I was feeling, so that I would be able to work through them.  This validated where I was at, and assured me that what I was feeling was ok.  When you are able to move from one emotion to the next it is like layers of scars forming and your pain begins to heal.
   
     So if you are needing permission, here it is... Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to!

     What you are feeling is valid and quite normal.  Don't let someone who hasn't walked in your shoes tell you how to feel.  God gave you each and every emotion you feel.  Yes, even anger.  Just taking a glimpse at infertility you can be angry with yourself, your spouse, your body, your doctor, your blood work, the possibilities are endless.
Anger is the most common emotion people assume is wrong to feel, especially when it is aimed at God.  Anger is a huge step along the grief journey.  Anger may even come up more than once.  And it is ok, you are not crazy, you are not a bad person, you aren't even a bad Christian for being angry at God.  As long as we work through that anger and don't camp out there.  You become a stronger person when you can overcome an emotion like anger.  Before you know it, you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
     You know the saying, time heals all wounds.  I was extremely skeptical of it's truth too, until I found myself having more good days than bad.  I hadn't miraculously gotten over all the pain of losing my children, but what had happened is some healing.  Through relationships, through reading, and through time spent with God.  Healing can and will come, but it does take effort.  It's not going to plop down in your lap.  You have to work through those emotions, as hard as they are to face.
    Grief may never be over, and it's pretty safe to say you will never forget it.  But, what we can move past is the extreme rawness.  The little bit of light at the end of the tunnel, becomes brighter and closer.