The View From My Front Porch

I have been super excited for summer to end and fall to begin.  I love when the weather is cooler and I can sit in my rocking chair on my front porch and drink my coffee.  Wow, I realize this may make me sound like I am much older than I am, haha, but I don't care.  I can't get enough of the peace I receive when I sit on my front porch and just spend time talking with God.  I don't really know why, but I am one of those people that has a really hard time connecting with God while I'm indoors.  However, get me outside in His beautiful creation and all I want to do is have a conversation with Him.  The most important thing I was looking for when Ferrari and I were house hunting was a cute wrap around front porch and its view.  Luckily, the view from my front porch stares directly at the beautiful Estrella mountains!

One day I envision being at the top of those mountains.  (Maybe not physically, because that would be a really hard hike, but definitely figuratively)  When Ferrari and I got married we felt like we were on top of it all.  Life was great, what could go wrong?  We had each other, our brand new house, and we were ready to start a family.  (INSERT GOD LAUGHING HERE)  Our plan and God's plan, are two completely different things.  I have learned to take that well thought out plan and throw it out the window!  Because, I hate to break it to you, but it is not going to go that way.

I have spent numerous days out on my front porch contemplating the events in my life.  I will be honest and say that I have spent more time contemplating the hard experiences, as opposed to the easy ones.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer on my front porch, and many hours crying and mourning each loss we have endured.  However, I still stare out at those Estrella mountains and remind myself that there is a top.  There will be a day that we will make it through all of the pain and we will find ourselves overcome with JOY.

I have yet to hear from God as to when that day will be, but I am encouraged to know that every day that passes is one day closer to the top!  There are times that I swear I have tripped and fallen all the way back down to the bottom of that mountain, but every time God picks me up and carries me further than I have made it before.  Don't be discouraged if you haven't completely overcome your trials, try and spend this time growing closer to God.  You will be better for it and stronger for having made it through it.

I can't explain how giddy I get when I think about the day when God blesses us with a child to raise.  The thought of how much joy I will feel is one of the biggest things keeping me going!  I want that JOY!  I want to be so overcome by it, knowing the only reason I have it, is because God has blessed me with it.  That JOY will be so sweet, and I am definitely willing to put in my time as I wait to receive it!

Love These Lyrics!

Sometimes my life gets crazy busy, and I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand directions and the first thing to go would be my writing.  Writing takes time and energy, and since I'm a perfectionist; it often takes me quite some time to write a blog post.  Therefore, what I'm getting at is that I haven't had time to write and I'm disappointed.  However, I still want to be an encouragement so... read these lyrics, download the song from iTunes, do whatever you gotta do to let this song encourage you today!  It is absolutely one of my favorites and I'm almost positive it was written especially for me ;)

Blessings, By Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Courtesy of lyricshall.com

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching(s) of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Forgiving Your Infertility

Along with learning to deal with infertility, I have learned how important it is to forgive my infertility.  It's never really easy, but it is necessary.  I will often harbor ill feelings towards someone without even knowing it.  I catch myself losing patience with them and realize I have a problem with them.  When I begin investigating why I may feel this way, it most often comes down to a comment that was said or something they have done in regards to my infertility.  I can't get those feelings to change until I really forgive them.

Sure, if you struggle with infertility or if you have lost a baby you have often blamed the medical field.  They could have surely done something different, discovered my problem earlier, or been smart enough to diagnose my syndrome sooner.  It is easy to blame them for our issues, but you can't.  You need to realize they are human and are not all knowing. We can't blame them even though it would be so much easier if we could!

Do you blame God for what you have had to go through?  It's not fair that its this difficult to conceive and so incredibly easy for others.  It would be so easy for God to change this for you, He is ultimately in control right?  Do you harbor intense anger towards Him?  I know I have at times, and I know it is extremely difficult to forgive God when you are filled with so much anger.  Anger and not being able to forgive go hand in hand.  If you can remove your anger from the situation, you will most likely be able to see the entire situation a little clearer and therefore be able to forgive.  Yes, God is in control of everything that has happened to you and everything that will happen to you.  He is not doing this to you to anger you, but instead He is shaping you for your future.

Are you trying to forgive yourself, but can't?  Maybe you have never even considered this as a problem before.  I know I blamed my body for not working properly.  It was obviously my body's fault for losing the twins, the doctors even said so.  Knowing that my body failed is a pretty heavy burden to carry, and until I realized this I was extremely bitter and angry.  You may need to forgive your body of its shortcomings, incompetent cervix and all.

Once you have forgiven others for hurting you with their comments, forgiven your medical staff for their human faults, forgiven God for allowing everything to happen to you, and forgiven your body of its shortcomings life will be "lighter."  You will be able to remove the anger and bitterness you are harboring.  You will have this overwhelming feeling of freedom!  The chains that were holding you back before will disappear!  You will be able to focus on your future, your medical treatments & procedures, and your relationships with others.  It will be easier for you to move forward.

Depending on your infertility, you may need to learn to forgive the same people over and over.  With each miscarry and loss, and with each year of medical treatment that passes comes more situations in which we need to forgive.  We are called to forgive over and over, just as Christ forgives us.

Then Peter came to Him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sings against me? Seven times?" No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"  

Matthew 18:21-22

I pray that if this is what you are struggling with forgiveness today, you will find the freedom like I have that is found in forgiveness!  I can only speak from experience when I say that it is such an incredible feeling to finally let all that anger and bitterness go!  You deserve to feel free from these chains! 

Under the Sycamore

I have been feeling like I need a miracle lately, and I see them all around me in other people's lives.  I expect God to show up for them and save the day.  However, I don't think I truly whole-heartedly believe God will deliver me a miracle, or maybe I don't think I deserve a miracle sometimes?

Well, I came across this fantastic post that really got me thinking.  I don't normally link to other author's blog posts (actually I don't know if I ever have), but I am willing to change things around here for this post! I needed this reminder of how much MORE faith I could have.  I have to EXPECT God to show up in miraculous ways, in order to receive a miracle from Him!  After as many losses as I have gone through, a positive and faith-filled outlook is not the easiest to have.  However, I am beginning to think it is essential for me.

If you are struggling with accepting that God could deliver you a miracle, or that no job is too big for God to conquer; I strongly encourage you to read this blog post by Ashley.  My friend told me about her blog about a year ago, and I have been an avid reader ever since.  Now, I will admit I began following her blog, Under the Sycamore, because of her awesome crafty tips and photography skills, but have gained so much more from her.

She has an incredibly positive outlook on life that is contagious.  Head on over to her blog and leave her some love and encouragement! I will warn you though, her blog will get a hold of you and not let you go for hours!  You will want to keep reading all of her past posts, and I don't blame you!  Sit and stay awhile, and she just might teach you a thing or two :)