A Tale of Number 5

Some of you may have noticed a change to my profile, but since I know many readers don't check that on a routine basis I will share the update in a post too.

I have been pretty quiet here on the blog front for the past couple months. I have still written but couldn't write about what I was truly going through. I struggled with the words to say & not say on here. I never want to offend any of my readers, therefore it can be difficult writing about what I am going through. I pull everything I write about right from my real life. Things that happen to me or don't happen to me are the things that shape me and I like to share them so others understand me. However, two days before Christmas, Ferrari and I found out we were pregnant. We didn't believe it was true due to some of the infertility treatments we used, they can cause false positives. However, we went to the doctor a few days after Christmas and they confirmed we were pregnant. Cautiously optimistic was the way we felt. We wanted to be happy, but we try not to let ourselves get to excited for fear of another loss. I never told my readers about the pregnancy because if there is ever a reader who just went through a loss, I would hate to turn them off of my blog because I was talking about being pregnant again. I know that I follow infertility blogs and then once they get pregnant all of the belly pics they post drive me up the wall and I quit following them. I want this blog to be a place to provide hope for those on this tough road of loss, and at times this causes me trouble deciding what to include on here and what not to.

Anyway, we don't really have to worry about whether I should post about my pregnancy or not, because we learned on Thursday that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. As routine as this may seem for us, it doesn't make it easy. The pain is still real and raw and powerful each time we encounter it. This pain has the ability to change me, and I am aware of this. However, I have to remember I have the power to allow it to change me for good!

I was almost 11 weeks along and ready to make this public news to all family and friends, but our 5th child had stopped growing around 8 1/2 weeks. This was extremely similar to our first miscarriage back in February of 2009. For that pregnancy I was due September 13, and this time I was due September 4th. When we found out about our first miscarriage I was almost 11 weeks along, and the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. After that first miscarriage I spent the next few weeks in a very somber depressed state of mind. I questioned everything. I questioned why God would do this to me. I questioned physically why it occurred. I questioned why God would make someone who has wanted children her whole life to lose one. Although the pregnancies were similar, I wanted my grief to be vastly different this time. Today, I no longer question why. I know why this is happening, maybe not the specifics; but I definitely understand the theme to these losses. It is a part of God's plan for me. I can no longer waste my time, energy, and tears on wondering why He would ever allow someone to lose one child; and instead accept that He has allowed me to now lose 5. I seriously find peace in knowing this is all for my greater good, and I can't explain to you how I have gotten to this point of understanding other than it was with God's help. He has really taught me how to live not according to my will, but His. He has promised me the desires of my heart as long as I live by faith. The other day I read this verse in Luke and it really stuck out to me even though I know I have heard it before. I believe this is Elizabeth talking about Mary after God contacted her and told her she would be the mother of the Son of God. She trusted God wholeheartedly and my desire is to have the same trust in His promises for me.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"

Luke 1:45

Lord, like Mary, I believe in your promises to me!

Happy Valentine's Day!