Whew, yesterday was a rough one. It is truly a bitter sweet day. I so wish I could have focused my attention on my own Mother and how much I love her! However, this holiday has become one of such pain that it is hard to push the pain and hurt away so I can smile and celebrate with the mothers around me. It's a day with so many different emotions, that it is often really hard to sort through what I am feeling. The couple days leading up to Mother's Day I found myself wiping away a lot of tears, and losing my patience on anyone within two feet of me. Then I woke up yesterday and just kept thinking in 24 hours this day will be behind you and you can move on. Let's go, you can get through this!
So we headed off to church and surprisingly I wasn't stressed about the service even though I knew it was child dedication day and that I would have to choose to remain sitting or stand when they had the mothers be acknowledged. Last year I stood, and this year for some reason I didn't. I think I just felt like the stares would be too hard and I didn't want to have to justify to someone that I am a mother. So I clapped for the other women, with some what of a smile on my face. I realize now that my heart was pretty hard, and it takes a lot to admit that but it was.
Then pastor began preaching on being broken. If I didn't know better, I would swear to you that God gave the pastor this specific sermon just for me. I'm so not joking either, I caught him making eye contact with me, & quite a few times too! Once he got into the sermon, I was kicking myself for not having tissues in my purse, seriously how did I not bring kleenex on Mother's Day/ Child Dedication? I apparently thought I was pretty strong emotionally, haha I should have known better! Ferrari kept sweetly offering the sleeve of his shirt to wipe my tears, because he knows how much I hate crying in public.
Pastor talked about being broken in the "waiting room," waiting on God to give you a miracle and heal you or remove you from whatever situation that has been encompassing your life. He challenged us to be happy and excited for those around us that ARE receiving their miracles. If we can't handle celebrating with others, than why would God entrust us with our own miracle. It was like a bad car accident. I wanted to look away but couldn't muster up the strength; because I knew I needed to hear those words, but the tears they just kept streaming down my face. I pictured myself like a child with my fingers stuck in my ears and shaking my head back and forth because I wanted to do whatever I could to drown out what I was hearing. The sinner in me wanted to jump out of my chair and stomp off to wipe the running mascara off my cheeks, but the hurting woman inside was desperate to drink up those words of wisdom he was sharing- How could I expect God to do a miracle on my behalf, if I sat jealous and angry as I watched those around me receive their miracles?
That sermon was the best thing I could have heard yesterday. It was exactly what I needed to hear, not sugar coated to make me feel better about my situation, but like a cattle prod pushing me to be the better version of me while I wait. Do you know how much I hate being the girl that cries when my friends announce they are pregnant? I hate that my friends have to tread lightly around me when they are pregnant, trying everything they can to not upset me. They are so sweet to be patient and sensitive to my feelings, but I want so badly to be overjoyed for them and excited for their great news! I want the attention off of me and what I am feeling. I want to be "normal" again. I want to throw the baby showers and help decorate their nurseries. As hard as it is for me to hear their good news, I want so desperately to celebrate with them! God is working on enlarging my heart, and I am thankful for it. He will not abandon me as I work on changing, instead He will be right there with me to offer strength and support!
Maybe this was a sermon you needed to hear too, or maybe you just needed to know there are others out there that have a hard time on Mother's Day, or that there are other women who struggle with hearing their friend's good news. I am confident God wants to help you be excited for other's miracles, and I am confident He will instill in you an everlasting JOY that can only come from the Father himself. Can you imagine the day your miracle happens, and no one is around to celebrate with you because they are too wrapped up in their own pain & waiting? God doesn't want that, He wants his sons & daughters to be there for each other through the good times and the bad.