The holidays are very hard emotionally for me. Last Christmas I should have had a 3 month old or been pregnant, and this Christmas I should be holding my twins; but similar to a lot of things in life that plan has changed. My sister and I had already made plans of taking photos of our four children together. We talked about the photos for next Easter, how cute it wold be with all four kids in matching outfits and little bunnies or chicks at their feet. One of the hardest things when you miscarry a pregnancy or lose an infant is having to literally forget about all the plans you have made. When Easter comes this year, I know I will think about that photo that I should be taking.
During my last pregnancy, I tried to not make future mental plans at all. I didn't want anyone to talk about how old my twins would be at Christmas, and what a fun Holiday season it would be. I remained emotionally unattached to my unborn children until I knew their sexes. At that point in time (18 weeks) I thought it would be safe. I made it past all of the major mile stones I had heard about for miscarrying. I began buying them matching clothes and talking about what an amazing Christmas this would be! At times I really regret making mental plans, because it makes the future months that much more difficult, but reality is I will make mental plans again with my next pregnancy. I can't live in fear and never think about the future because of what might go wrong. God does not want us living like that. He wants us to trust Him and live accordingly!
For the past month, I have been dreading the Christmas season. I have not wanted to decorate at all; and if you know anything about me or the family I come from, the women go crazy with decorating for the holidays!! I believe my mother put up 7 trees one year :) Lately, if people brought up parties or family get togethers I wanted nothing more than to think about this coming spring; because at this point the entire Christmas season would be over!
However, at Church on Sunday I was convicted. I realized I had to give the Grinch inside of me the boot. I realized the Grinch was actually Satan stealing the real meaning of Christmas from me. He had me so consumed with what I don't have, I couldn't focus on the good things in my life. I know there will be a Christmas season, when Ferrari and I are holding our first child, and we will be overjoyed! For now, we have each other, our health, a beautiful home and amazing families supporting us!
So, this weekend I started decorating, I bought EggNog, and baked a pumpkin pie! I have a tree up and my Christmas Village will be my next project. Yes, this next month or so is still going to tough but I will have to lean on Christ even more. I know He has great things in store for those who love Him! I would be a fool to think God doesn't keep a good word on His promises! If this Christmas season is going to be particularly hard for you, please focus on the good! Lean on Christ and your family and friends to help you get through, and if you have children be mindful around others who have lost children. This is a particularly hard season for them, and they might not enjoy watching your children open up gifts from Santa for hours. It may be too painful. Ferrari and I have discussed not taking part in that specific part of the festivities this year. It is not wrong to remove yourself from a situation that is too painful! Your friends and family will surely understand!
Lots of love to you all, and I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!