Monday, October 24, 2011

A Tale of Unwavering Faith

     Wow, it's been too long since I have posted.  Life got a little crazy lately, especially with our 2nd Box Party for Owl Love You Forever.  There was so much to prepare and organize, that everything else ended up on the back burner.  Then we took a family vacation to Disneyland with 15 members of Ferrari's family!  It was crazy and so much fun, but I returned home needing a vacation from my vacation :)  Running around theme parks with our nieces and nephews was so much fun, but definitely far from relaxing!
     We have been so blessed lately to receive exactly what we need to hear each week at church.  We recently finished a fantastic series on FAITH.  I got a big slap in the face each week, in a good way :)
The theme that continues to consume my thoughts is that God Has Us Right Where We Need To Be!
As painful as this "place" is, God wants us here.  Well, initially, this frustrated me beyond belief.  Why would my loving God want me to lose baby after baby after our path to get pregnant is so difficult and long?!? I still don't know the entire answer to that question, but I have learned HE wants me here no matter if I "get it" or not.
     These thoughts have crossed my mind... maybe He wants me to learn to have more patience, maybe He wants me to draw even closer to Him, maybe He wants my faith stronger, I don't know.  However, I do know He has me here because this is the perfect place for me right now! OUCH, still don't know how I feel about this.  I would really prefer to be on an easier path.  I want nothing more than to have my children, spend every waking moment with them, loving them, and teaching them about everything in this crazy world.  I have this HUGE desire to teach them about God and how to love others like He did.  Instead, I get to sit and watch friends and family raise their children, which just intensifies my feelings ten fold.
     What do you suppose He wants me to do during this waiting period.  Ignore anyone that's pregnant or has children? No, even though that road would probably be much easier.  He wants us to continue to live out our lives with FAITH that can't be broken.  He has us right where we are to show others PERSEVERANCE, unwavering FAITH, unending HOPE.  I have to stop focusing on this joyous place down the road, and instead plant my feet firmly on the path where He has me.  I can worship Him right where I'm at.  I'm not saying this is always easy, I am just saying I know its what we should be doing.  I have to conscientiously wake up in the morning and remind myself to think this way.  One day, I'm hoping it will become habit.  Until then, I will continue to strive to be "Joyful" right where I'm at.  This road may be darker or longer than the road I would prefer, but He still has me ON a path.  He trusts me enough to be right where I am, and I need to honor Him by continuing to help others along the way.  Together, we can travel this road together.  It is much easier to have others beside me than to be alone and focused on those ahead of me that have living children.

"Never say in your heart what you will or will not do, but wait until God reveals His way to you.  As long as that way is hidden, it is clear that there is no need of action and that He holds Himself accountable for all the results of keeping you exactly where you are selected. 
For God through ways we have not known, Will lead His Own."
-Streams in the Desert 
(One of my Absolute FAVORITE Devotionals) 

Monday, October 3, 2011

The View From My Front Porch

I have been super excited for summer to end and fall to begin.  I love when the weather is cooler and I can sit in my rocking chair on my front porch and drink my coffee.  Wow, I realize this may make me sound like I am much older than I am, haha, but I don't care.  I can't get enough of the peace I receive when I sit on my front porch and just spend time talking with God.  I don't really know why, but I am one of those people that has a really hard time connecting with God while I'm indoors.  However, get me outside in His beautiful creation and all I want to do is have a conversation with Him.  The most important thing I was looking for when Ferrari and I were house hunting was a cute wrap around front porch and its view.  Luckily, the view from my front porch stares directly at the beautiful Estrella mountains!

One day I envision being at the top of those mountains.  (Maybe not physically, because that would be a really hard hike, but definitely figuratively)  When Ferrari and I got married we felt like we were on top of it all.  Life was great, what could go wrong?  We had each other, our brand new house, and we were ready to start a family.  (INSERT GOD LAUGHING HERE)  Our plan and God's plan, are two completely different things.  I have learned to take that well thought out plan and throw it out the window!  Because, I hate to break it to you, but it is not going to go that way.

I have spent numerous days out on my front porch contemplating the events in my life.  I will be honest and say that I have spent more time contemplating the hard experiences, as opposed to the easy ones.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer on my front porch, and many hours crying and mourning each loss we have endured.  However, I still stare out at those Estrella mountains and remind myself that there is a top.  There will be a day that we will make it through all of the pain and we will find ourselves overcome with JOY.

I have yet to hear from God as to when that day will be, but I am encouraged to know that every day that passes is one day closer to the top!  There are times that I swear I have tripped and fallen all the way back down to the bottom of that mountain, but every time God picks me up and carries me further than I have made it before.  Don't be discouraged if you haven't completely overcome your trials, try and spend this time growing closer to God.  You will be better for it and stronger for having made it through it.

I can't explain how giddy I get when I think about the day when God blesses us with a child to raise.  The thought of how much joy I will feel is one of the biggest things keeping me going!  I want that JOY!  I want to be so overcome by it, knowing the only reason I have it, is because God has blessed me with it.  That JOY will be so sweet, and I am definitely willing to put in my time as I wait to receive it!