If only I could get pregnant.
If only a doctor could diagnose me.
If only I could maintain a pregnancy.
If only I could fall asleep without crying.
If only others could understand!
If only I could get comfortable.
If only I could find a good pediatrician.
If only I could calm his colic.
If only I could sleep through the night.
If only I could get my husband to understand I need a break!
If only... If only... If only...
The two lists may sound different, but they are both my lists. From different times, different seasons of my life, if you will.
I have struggled with writing on here in the past because of my now having living children. How can I relate to someone that has lost a baby or is experiencing infertility? Why would they want to hear from me, a woman with two children here on earth. It's a constant struggle, but I have learned that writing is my outlet and I have kept too much pent up for too long. I need to write for me. I in no way intend to hurt anyone's feelings by posting about my living or heavenly children. Either way, all of those 7 kiddos make me a mom. I hope they have each taught me something different, and prepared me in a way to connect with many different women.
Lately, I have been feeling so exhausted that I almost feel numb. Maybe I am purposely exhausting myself on one front, to keep myself busy. But regardless, in the back of my mind, I know what dates are coming up. I know that with spring comes Mother's Day and the twins' birthday. But this year, it also comes with Enzo's birthday. My Mr. Miracle will turn ONE, a mere 3 days prior to my twins' 5th birthday. Their 5th birthday, can you believe they would be going to kindergarten next year? The epitome of an emotional roller coaster.
I have to admit, I CAN NOT wait for Enzo to turn one. Some of you reading may know how hard this year has been with him. He has kept me on my toes, literally since the moment he was born. From day one he has needed special care. Enough jaundice to need bili-blanket therapy, colic, special formula, suspected dairy allergy, reflux, visits to the GI, plagiocephaly resulting in a helmet, lip and tongue tie procedures, anaphylactic reaction to yogurt, RSV, reflux returning, feeding refusals, multiple food allergies, food challenges, and eczema, oh the dreaded eczema. Although not one of his issues have ever been a major health issue, each one stacked on top of each other has, at times, felt like the weight of the world. I will be SO happy to reach the 1 year milestone with him. It will some how feel like an accomplishment. One that I desperately need!
I have had quite a few people share with me how upset they are that his first year has been so hard. Everyone stating the same reasoning, we "deserve" to have something come easy after what we have been through. But, in all honesty, we don't deserve anything. What we have been through, is what A LOT of couples have been through. We are incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to birth our own biological living child, regardless of what his first year of life has looked like. There are SO many that do not have the opportunity to experience that. We have also had the AMAZING opportunity of adopting our beautiful daughter, where financially speaking, SO many couples just can't. I will say it again, we are incredibly blessed. God has chosen us for this journey, and for that we are GRATEFUL! Forever Grateful!
I don't know what this May will look like. I don't know how I will emotionally cope. It feels incredibly different now, with my arms full but still an emptiness in my heart.
I DO KNOW God will bring me through, just as He has done through everything.
If you are experiencing similar questioning to that of my first list, please don't give up. Don't let the constant wondering and questioning keep you from living. You never know what the future holds, what even next month's pregnancy test, ultrasound, or non-stress test will indicate. Focus on today, focus on what you can do with the strength of Christ.
If you are more on the lines of the second line of questioning, try changing your thought process to include If only...for this time. All of these hard times with your baby will pass. All of these tough sleepless stages, will turn in to toddler tantrums in no time so try and soak in every moment you can. I would gladly trade my potty training woes for the barrel rolling infant that won't let you change their diaper :) That colic may have lasted 5 months, but it too went away- a month before teething began ;) My point being, there will always be something hard going on. You will always be challenged with different stages, so don't let the anger and resentment steal your joy from today. Being a Mommy is tough, don't try and do it alone. God uses these daily struggles to turn our eyes to Him.