Monday, December 12, 2011

One Day...

I follow a fellow Baby Loss Momma over at Small Bird Studios. She is so inspiring and is always doing special things in honor of her little one in heaven, Jenna.  She prompted me this morning to sit down and write about something that I doubt I would have otherwise thought of myself.

If heaven could give back Arie and Hadilyn for just one day, what would that day look like?

When I read the prompt, I instantly got butterflies in my stomach.  What a sweet sweet day that would be!  I could just sob right now thinking of myself getting to hold my babies in my arms again!  I know I would just sit and stare at them for hours, memorizing every line and crease in their little hands and feet.  I would love to bathe them and dress them in matching clothes, and wrap them up in blankets that were sewn especially for them.  Good luck trying to hold them, because I know I would be selfish, and not want to let them go.  I would delight myself in the task of trying to carry around two infant car seats.  I would talk baby talk to them and make funny faces, trying my hardest to see which ones would crack a smile first! I would lay on the floor with them and read them stories.  I would feed them and giggle at what a giant mess two babies can make while eating.  I would sing them to sleep and watch over them until they woke.  I would take pictures, oh so so so many pictures!  I would probably just hire a photographer to catch every minute of it all!  I would want to do all the little things that mommies get to do, even including diaper changes.

This prompt has really made my desire to be a mom, burn more than it ever has.  When I truly sit back and picture what it would be like, even if only for a day, to provide and care and love on my children, I KNOW for a fact I am destined for this job!  I long for the day that I get to be the one that takes care of my baby and fulfills their earthly needs.  I know since the Lord has not removed the desire in my heart to be a mother, I need to wait patiently for His timing because one day my time WILL come.

Take DELIGHT in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; TRUST in Him and He will do this:  He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait PATIENTLY for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil.  For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who HOPE in the Lord will inherit the land. Psalm 37: 4-9

For those of you who have children, I urge you to consider if today was the last day on earth with your babies how would you spend the day?  Would you hold them tighter?  Have more patience with them when they act out?  The Lord has blessed you with them, and has entrusted you to take the best care of them while they are here on this earth.  Nothing breaks my heart more, than seeing a mom take for granted her opportunity of being a mother!  Children are miracles, no woman is guaranteed to have their own.  

For those woman who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom, consider that God has not removed that desire in your heart for a reason.  We may not know why He is having you wait so long for your turn, but try and remember that His plan and timing is perfect!  He may have bigger things waiting for you than you could have ever asked for or dreamed of!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Hope for the Holidays

     I am not quite sure how, but here I find that it's November AGAIN.  Seriously, where does the time go?  The goals and expectations I had for my infertility this year definitely didn't turn out the way I had HOPED, and yet some how I find myself beyond blessed in SO many other areas!  However, I do have some hopes for these upcoming holidays that I would like to share with you.
     It's no secret that the holiday season is especially hard on me and Ferrari, and probably for just about every other couple struggling with infertility or baby loss.  The hopes and dreams we have had for our children, the holiday cards we had planned to take, the special traditions I so desperately want them to be a part of; and that's just it, they remain hopes and dreams for some future holiday season.  My children are, instead, spending the holidays in heaven with a few of their cousins and LOTS of friends.  I am glad they have each other to share their holiday season with, but I am in a selfish mood and I wish they were spending it with me this year- just once!
     Naturally, Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays that are really focused on the family.  Especially, when your extended family is HUGE and everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby, or has so many kids they are "done."  Nothing can bring me down faster than a room full of children dressed in their holiday best, because I want that SO SO SO bad.  I know this is God working on my heart to be content with what I DO have, but it still just plain hurts.  In the past, we have always showed up and tried our best to be happy and enjoy the time with our family, but I will be honest it is exhaustingly difficult.
     I am not writing this post to make my family and friends feel bad during the holiday season, and if I am offending you right now please know that is not my intention!!  I am writing it to ask you to just be a little more patient with me this year.  I apologize if I don't show up to your Christmas event, and I apologize if I am cranky.  It's that little bit of the Grinch attitude, I tried to kick out of my system last year, that creeps back in.  One of these years I will have this figured out, and I will possibly have to lend some extra patience to someone else, but the most important thing is to just be supportive.  Whether someone in your family is going through something like us, or maybe this is their first Christmas season without a friend or loved one.  The holidays are hard on a lot of people, and they usually suffer in silence. We never know everything someone is going through, so MY HOPE IS..... we can all be extra sensitive, because it can never hurt!
     Every December since Ferrari and I got married we have gotten pregnant, and every year we were given a due date in September but never made it.  That is 3 out of our 4 pregnancies!  Which is odd, and either coincidental or God has some thing interesting He will fill us in on later.  However, right now, I just can't take another pregnancy that follows the same path again.
     So, we are focusing on each other during these next couple months and Owl Love You Forever.

We have a huge event in the works for the evening of December 11!  
I can't wait to fill you all in, but for now, mark it on your calendar because you WILL want to be there!  

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Tale of Unwavering Faith

     Wow, it's been too long since I have posted.  Life got a little crazy lately, especially with our 2nd Box Party for Owl Love You Forever.  There was so much to prepare and organize, that everything else ended up on the back burner.  Then we took a family vacation to Disneyland with 15 members of Ferrari's family!  It was crazy and so much fun, but I returned home needing a vacation from my vacation :)  Running around theme parks with our nieces and nephews was so much fun, but definitely far from relaxing!
     We have been so blessed lately to receive exactly what we need to hear each week at church.  We recently finished a fantastic series on FAITH.  I got a big slap in the face each week, in a good way :)
The theme that continues to consume my thoughts is that God Has Us Right Where We Need To Be!
As painful as this "place" is, God wants us here.  Well, initially, this frustrated me beyond belief.  Why would my loving God want me to lose baby after baby after our path to get pregnant is so difficult and long?!? I still don't know the entire answer to that question, but I have learned HE wants me here no matter if I "get it" or not.
     These thoughts have crossed my mind... maybe He wants me to learn to have more patience, maybe He wants me to draw even closer to Him, maybe He wants my faith stronger, I don't know.  However, I do know He has me here because this is the perfect place for me right now! OUCH, still don't know how I feel about this.  I would really prefer to be on an easier path.  I want nothing more than to have my children, spend every waking moment with them, loving them, and teaching them about everything in this crazy world.  I have this HUGE desire to teach them about God and how to love others like He did.  Instead, I get to sit and watch friends and family raise their children, which just intensifies my feelings ten fold.
     What do you suppose He wants me to do during this waiting period.  Ignore anyone that's pregnant or has children? No, even though that road would probably be much easier.  He wants us to continue to live out our lives with FAITH that can't be broken.  He has us right where we are to show others PERSEVERANCE, unwavering FAITH, unending HOPE.  I have to stop focusing on this joyous place down the road, and instead plant my feet firmly on the path where He has me.  I can worship Him right where I'm at.  I'm not saying this is always easy, I am just saying I know its what we should be doing.  I have to conscientiously wake up in the morning and remind myself to think this way.  One day, I'm hoping it will become habit.  Until then, I will continue to strive to be "Joyful" right where I'm at.  This road may be darker or longer than the road I would prefer, but He still has me ON a path.  He trusts me enough to be right where I am, and I need to honor Him by continuing to help others along the way.  Together, we can travel this road together.  It is much easier to have others beside me than to be alone and focused on those ahead of me that have living children.

"Never say in your heart what you will or will not do, but wait until God reveals His way to you.  As long as that way is hidden, it is clear that there is no need of action and that He holds Himself accountable for all the results of keeping you exactly where you are selected. 
For God through ways we have not known, Will lead His Own."
-Streams in the Desert 
(One of my Absolute FAVORITE Devotionals) 

Monday, October 3, 2011

The View From My Front Porch

I have been super excited for summer to end and fall to begin.  I love when the weather is cooler and I can sit in my rocking chair on my front porch and drink my coffee.  Wow, I realize this may make me sound like I am much older than I am, haha, but I don't care.  I can't get enough of the peace I receive when I sit on my front porch and just spend time talking with God.  I don't really know why, but I am one of those people that has a really hard time connecting with God while I'm indoors.  However, get me outside in His beautiful creation and all I want to do is have a conversation with Him.  The most important thing I was looking for when Ferrari and I were house hunting was a cute wrap around front porch and its view.  Luckily, the view from my front porch stares directly at the beautiful Estrella mountains!

One day I envision being at the top of those mountains.  (Maybe not physically, because that would be a really hard hike, but definitely figuratively)  When Ferrari and I got married we felt like we were on top of it all.  Life was great, what could go wrong?  We had each other, our brand new house, and we were ready to start a family.  (INSERT GOD LAUGHING HERE)  Our plan and God's plan, are two completely different things.  I have learned to take that well thought out plan and throw it out the window!  Because, I hate to break it to you, but it is not going to go that way.

I have spent numerous days out on my front porch contemplating the events in my life.  I will be honest and say that I have spent more time contemplating the hard experiences, as opposed to the easy ones.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer on my front porch, and many hours crying and mourning each loss we have endured.  However, I still stare out at those Estrella mountains and remind myself that there is a top.  There will be a day that we will make it through all of the pain and we will find ourselves overcome with JOY.

I have yet to hear from God as to when that day will be, but I am encouraged to know that every day that passes is one day closer to the top!  There are times that I swear I have tripped and fallen all the way back down to the bottom of that mountain, but every time God picks me up and carries me further than I have made it before.  Don't be discouraged if you haven't completely overcome your trials, try and spend this time growing closer to God.  You will be better for it and stronger for having made it through it.

I can't explain how giddy I get when I think about the day when God blesses us with a child to raise.  The thought of how much joy I will feel is one of the biggest things keeping me going!  I want that JOY!  I want to be so overcome by it, knowing the only reason I have it, is because God has blessed me with it.  That JOY will be so sweet, and I am definitely willing to put in my time as I wait to receive it!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Love These Lyrics!

Sometimes my life gets crazy busy, and I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand directions and the first thing to go would be my writing.  Writing takes time and energy, and since I'm a perfectionist; it often takes me quite some time to write a blog post.  Therefore, what I'm getting at is that I haven't had time to write and I'm disappointed.  However, I still want to be an encouragement so... read these lyrics, download the song from iTunes, do whatever you gotta do to let this song encourage you today!  It is absolutely one of my favorites and I'm almost positive it was written especially for me ;)

Blessings, By Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Courtesy of
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Monday, August 29, 2011

Forgiving Your Infertility

Along with learning to deal with infertility, I have learned how important it is to forgive my infertility.  It's never really easy, but it is necessary.  I will often harbor ill feelings towards someone without even knowing it.  I catch myself losing patience with them and realize I have a problem with them.  When I begin investigating why I may feel this way, it most often comes down to a comment that was said or something they have done in regards to my infertility.  I can't get those feelings to change until I really forgive them.

Sure, if you struggle with infertility or if you have lost a baby you have often blamed the medical field.  They could have surely done something different, discovered my problem earlier, or been smart enough to diagnose my syndrome sooner.  It is easy to blame them for our issues, but you can't.  You need to realize they are human and are not all knowing. We can't blame them even though it would be so much easier if we could!

Do you blame God for what you have had to go through?  It's not fair that its this difficult to conceive and so incredibly easy for others.  It would be so easy for God to change this for you, He is ultimately in control right?  Do you harbor intense anger towards Him?  I know I have at times, and I know it is extremely difficult to forgive God when you are filled with so much anger.  Anger and not being able to forgive go hand in hand.  If you can remove your anger from the situation, you will most likely be able to see the entire situation a little clearer and therefore be able to forgive.  Yes, God is in control of everything that has happened to you and everything that will happen to you.  He is not doing this to you to anger you, but instead He is shaping you for your future.

Are you trying to forgive yourself, but can't?  Maybe you have never even considered this as a problem before.  I know I blamed my body for not working properly.  It was obviously my body's fault for losing the twins, the doctors even said so.  Knowing that my body failed is a pretty heavy burden to carry, and until I realized this I was extremely bitter and angry.  You may need to forgive your body of its shortcomings, incompetent cervix and all.

Once you have forgiven others for hurting you with their comments, forgiven your medical staff for their human faults, forgiven God for allowing everything to happen to you, and forgiven your body of its shortcomings life will be "lighter."  You will be able to remove the anger and bitterness you are harboring.  You will have this overwhelming feeling of freedom!  The chains that were holding you back before will disappear!  You will be able to focus on your future, your medical treatments & procedures, and your relationships with others.  It will be easier for you to move forward.

Depending on your infertility, you may need to learn to forgive the same people over and over.  With each miscarry and loss, and with each year of medical treatment that passes comes more situations in which we need to forgive.  We are called to forgive over and over, just as Christ forgives us.

Then Peter came to Him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sings against me? Seven times?" No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"  
Matthew 18:21-22

I pray that if this is what you are struggling with forgiveness today, you will find the freedom like I have that is found in forgiveness!  I can only speak from experience when I say that it is such an incredible feeling to finally let all that anger and bitterness go!  You deserve to feel free from these chains! 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Under the Sycamore

I have been feeling like I need a miracle lately, and I see them all around me in other people's lives.  I expect God to show up for them and save the day.  However, I don't think I truly whole-heartedly believe God will deliver me a miracle, or maybe I don't think I deserve a miracle sometimes?

Well, I came across this fantastic post that really got me thinking.  I don't normally link to other author's blog posts (actually I don't know if I ever have), but I am willing to change things around here for this post! I needed this reminder of how much MORE faith I could have.  I have to EXPECT God to show up in miraculous ways, in order to receive a miracle from Him!  After as many losses as I have gone through, a positive and faith-filled outlook is not the easiest to have.  However, I am beginning to think it is essential for me.

If you are struggling with accepting that God could deliver you a miracle, or that no job is too big for God to conquer; I strongly encourage you to read this blog post by Ashley.  My friend told me about her blog about a year ago, and I have been an avid reader ever since.  Now, I will admit I began following her blog, Under the Sycamore, because of her awesome crafty tips and photography skills, but have gained so much more from her.

She has an incredibly positive outlook on life that is contagious.  Head on over to her blog and leave her some love and encouragement! I will warn you though, her blog will get a hold of you and not let you go for hours!  You will want to keep reading all of her past posts, and I don't blame you!  Sit and stay awhile, and she just might teach you a thing or two :)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Is Infertility Contagious?

I can't help but feel at times that people think my infertility is contagious.  I know right off the bat this may sound ridiculous to you, but this blog is a place for me to try and help other's understand me (or someone else struggling with infertility/infant loss) better so I will try and explain it.

The harder our life seems to get, the more friends I feel i've lost.  I truly feel like some people want to stay as far away from me as possible, as if they can catch what I have.  Now, granted, so many of my friends and family are also dealing with infertility or the loss of an infant.  It's scary to think that this many families, these days, are dealing with such heartache and trials.  However, I have never read a single piece of research on how you can catch infertility from one another.  So, we need to surround and comfort each other, not distance ourselves out of fear or lack of knowledge in the subject matter.

News Flash: Infertility is NOT contagious!
As soon as I hear infertility and/or multiple miscarriages and/or the loss of an infant
 is contagious I'll stay at home in a bubble until a vaccine is invented! 
My promise to you!

After we have endured tougher and tougher things like losing the twins, I often feel like my friends don't feel equipped enough to support us anymore so they keep a good distance away.  No one quite knows if they should encourage us to try again, like they have in the past, or suggest adoption or surrogacy.  Everyone wants us to be happy, but unfortunately no one knows what advice will get us there.  So, as a result, I get shut out.

I often blame myself.  I must be a drag to be with and come with too much baggage.  No one, wants to be depressed therefore; steer clear of the girl whose life is depressing.  This may sound like i'm exaggerating, but i'm not.  I'm really trying to convey how I feel at times, which is often lonely.  I know a lot of my friends don't know what I am going through, but here's the best thing, you aren't required to!  I don't need advice on moving forward with infertility treatments or adoption or surrogacy, I just need you to be my friend just like before.  I have doctors and specialists to discuss my options with, and Ferrari and I research and pray about all of our decisions for the future.  I am not trying to sound harsh, I'm just trying to give you the green light to be normal again.  A pedicure? Why, that sounds so relaxing! A lunch date?  I would love to!  Shopping? Yes Please!  I need some days where I can relax, have fun, and just hang out.  Trust me, I long for the days when things don't have to be so deep.  Dealing with my doctor's appointments, tests, and decisions is exhausting!  The best prescription I could give myself is some good old fashion girl time :)  Let's be real, Ferrari is the most amazing husband, but he kind of stinks in this department!  He can't stand shopping; which retail therapy happens to be proven very effective in my book :)

On the flip side, there are times when I just might need you to sit and listen and nod occasionally :) So, if you don't know what to say, relax, you don't have to say anything at all.  I am really good at bringing the topic of infertility/ loss up myself and just leaning on you as a listening ear.  You don't have to solve the problem but just do the routine, smile and nod, or offer a hug :)  When I'm not in the mood to discuss it, I won't bring it up.  I have found it easier to leave this ball in my court.  Then you never upset me by catching me off guard.  (You seriously wouldn't believe some of the places people deem it necessary to walk up to me and point blank ask me how "emotionally" i'm doing, dealing with everything i've been through)

I hope these suggestions help and don't make you feel like i'm always telling you what to do/not to do.  I just feel these are unchartered waters for most, so these few suggestions can help keep feelings from being hurt in the future.  I want to give you the tools to be around girls struggling with this stuff, instead of just staying far away.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Vintage Boots

Lately, I don't have anything super encouraging to say. I've had some hard days recently so I have been seeking out others to encourage me. A friend from church sent this video to me and I want to share it with you. I know you will enjoy it as much as I have.

Her name is Hosanna Wong,
and her passion reminds me to have faith and hope in what God has promised!

Visit her website

You can find like her on FB at
follow her on twitter at
or email her at

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Fight of Your Life

Do you ever sit in church and feel like the pastor is only speaking to you, like God gave him the message just so you could hear it that morning? Well, I have had this happen quite a few times, but never like what I just encountered a couple Sundays ago. In fact, it was so on point, I questioned wether Ferrari had been feeding inside information to the pastor just so he could tell us what we needed to hear :)

My church started an amazing series called "David-The Making of a Champion." This particular message was entitled "Stepping into The Fight." The fight being the fight of our life. Each of us having an individual and different fight than the next person. There have been multiple times that I have viewed this infertility and loss field I seem to be stuck in as the "Fight of My Life!" I seem to be battling quite a few opponents such as time itself, my body, the medical staff and their options for me, and MY desires and will for my life. Pastor suggested to make the fight of your life not about you, but rather focused on WHO you can bless around you in the process. How can God use you?

My battles seem insurmountable to others, I only know this because of how many comments I receive on a daily basis. Here is my response, there are things going on in other's lives that seem insurmountable to me! I can deal with what God has given me, because I am sold on living out my life to better those around me in spite of what I have gone through and will go through. I CAN NOT focus and dwell on my sorrows, I HAVE to focus on walking along side others in pain. God does not call me to fix other women's problems with infertility and loss, but rather to mourn with them. I truly believe He has called me to be their comforter! God uses your past to prepare you for what He has planned!

It is easy to focus and dwell on how huge some of the decisions are that Ferrari and I need to make in the near future. However, what will that help me gain? Nothing! We need to focus on the fact that the battle is the Lord's and He is here walking us through it! I know there is a sweet ending on the other side, and I can't wait to look back at how God brought me to where I am! The decisions seem too heavy and hard get through, but the truth is we WILL overcome!

It makes me think back to when I was 15 and studying for my driver's test. I was scared out of my mind, and stressed beyond belief for the test. (My parents were begging me to go take the test, because I kept make up excuses to get out of it. What 16 yr old isn't knocking on the DMV's door to take the test?) I prepared and studied for days, practiced and thought I was ready for the test of my life. Only to find out that I would fail my first try, and have to go home and practice more and try again the following day. That next day I passed with flying colors and couldn't believe the weight that was lifted off my shoulders. The task that seemed so difficult and unattainable was accomplished. It was such a sweet feeling to look back at all the hard work, stress, and struggles and realize that mountain wasn't as big as I had originally thought. I got through it, and now it is comical how stressed out I was for that test. I can't believe I was convinced that test was seriously going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do in life.
The point is when you are in the thick of the battle, it is hard to understand why God would have you there. The good news is, God trusts you with the specific battles He has marked out for your life, and He is not cursing you but blessing you. He is forming you for your future. It might be for things you will endure later in life, or maybe to bless those around you as they encounter similar things. If your future seems to look a lot like Goliath, try adopting faith like that of David. David knew this was the battle God called him to, regardless of what others around him said. He knew his past had prepared him for what God had in store, and that he could trust God to deliver him through to the end.
Have faith and trust God, He does know what He is doing!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

In their Honor

I think I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the twin's birthday for a while now. I wasn't quite sure how I would feel or what I would want to do that day. People kept asking us what the plan was, and we honestly couldn't answer them because we weren't sure. I absolutely hate when people flake out on me and change their plans, so I was not about to make a bunch of plans and then have to cancel them because we just didn't feel like doing them. I tried to play it safe and just see what the day brought. I am so glad we did it this way, because I don't think we were prepared for the emotions we had that morning.

Ferrari and I have coffee every morning, it is sort of our time to connect with each other, with God, and prepare ourselves for the day ahead. We were both on edge and didn't have too much patience that morning (understandably.) What was even more frustrating then not having patience with each other was the fact that we KNEW we didn't have patience; and we knew why, but we couldn't really change it. That is just how we felt! We had to stop and pray and really ask God for the strength to get through the day. I kept telling Ferrari we can get through this, remember a year ago- everything God carried us through back then! (I was half way telling him this to support him, but also because I needed to hear it myself)

We headed down to the cemetery to see their memorial stone. This was the first time we got to see their marker in the ground, and it was beautiful!

After we visited the twins we headed home to load up the Owl Love You Forever boxes, all 196 of them! Most of them fit in my Tahoe, but the rest we stacked in my in-law's jeep!

The donations would be made at Banner Good Samaritan in Phoenix, because that is where the twins were born. I spoke with one of the nurses that delivered Arie and Hadilyn, she informed me that on average Good Samaritan Hospital would have to walk 500 families through the tragedy of losing their infant.

When we first arrived and the staff saw just how many boxes we had to donate, they weren't quite sure where we would put them all. We did some rearranging and found a way to store all the boxes by gender in 3 different closets.

We pretty much stacked boxes from the floor to the ceiling in these narrow closets.

The hospital staff was quite curious to see what was in all these white boxes, once we told them they were for the bereavement program everyone was so appreciative. I am pretty sure because of the recession, the hospital had to eliminate all of the nurses assistants. By doing so, this means the nurses themselves must be equipped when a situation arises in which a family will lose their infant. I purposely designed these boxes to include everything you would need to help a family have a memorable experience with their baby for the few short hours they may be given.

Wouldn't it be amazing to have these boxes in every hospital? Think of the families that end up delivering in say an emergency room. The medical staff in an emergency room is not equipped nor trained to deal with this kind of situation. In result, families that lose their baby in this atmosphere lose out on the kind of experience I had. They don't always get to bathe and dress their baby, and have time for family photos. With each hospital storing a few of these boxes, they would be able to create such a better experience for these deserving families!
Remember, you can donate a complete box online at

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven

Today marks one year since Arie James and Hadilyn Faith were born. Today they should be crawling if not walking, babbling a couple words (including mommy of course) and waving hello or goodbye. Instead, my house is still empty, no children fill my home. I have definitely had a few hard days in the past couple months, really trying to come to terms with why God has me where I am today.

After Friday night I really realized something, my arms and home may still be empty, but my HEART is full. We had our first box making party for Owl Love You Forever on Friday night. 50 friends and family showed up to support us and our organization, and we assembled 196 boxes! God is so good!

Today Ferrari and I will deliver the boxes to Banner Good Samaritan Hospital where we delivered the twins one year ago today. On average, this hospital will have 500 families a year that lose their baby before, during, or shortly after birth.

My heart will ache from time to time, but I must remain fixed on how full my heart is, full of love from my family and friends and love for others who find themselves struggling with infertility and/or infant loss. God has provided so much purpose in the midst of my pain, and sharing that with others has become my greatest desire.

Happy Birthday Arie & Hadilyn!
Mommy and Daddy love you very very much!

To see more photos from Friday night head over to our facebook page.
All photos were taken by Jackie Lindfors Photography.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Love Love Love this Song

So I know I have been so busy, and have been writing so few posts. SORRY!
I also know that things should calm down after Friday, it's our First Box Making Party for Owl Love You Forever to honor Arie & Hadilyn!
Anyway, although I didn't have time to sit and write a long post I did want to leave you with this video of a song that I absolutely have fallen in love with. ENJOY :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Mother's Day

So, minus all my begging and pleading Mother's Day came, and thankfully went! I DID NOT want anything to do with this holiday this year. I stressed, cried, emotionally broke down all week prior to this past Sunday. I anticipated the day being awful, would I cry continually all day long? Turns out, NO, just for about an hour :)
All the stress prior to the holiday was pretty much unnecessary. God carried me through the day flawlessly! I did make a few decisions that would make it easier on me. I have learned to do things for myself, recognize that something may be too emotionally hard on me and just do something different. Those of you who really know me, know how hard this is. I am definitely a yes person, I hate saying no! It used to be, that if you invited me to your baby shower, I was there and probably helping throw it. Today, I may or may not make it. I think of myself first, and have realized I don't have to be at every event if it is going to set me back emotionally. (FYI, if you are having a baby shower, please invite me!!! If I feel up to it, I would love to come and celebrate you and your child. The only thing that is worse is not getting an invite, and hearing all my friends talk about it later. I go from grieving my children, or lack there of, to grieving extreme loneliness due to lack of friends.)
Now, yes, I avoided church like the plague this weekend! I know other women trying to conceive, or who have lost children agree with me about church on this holiday. Why do they make all the mom's stand? I know deep down why they do recognize all Mom's because what they do on a daily basis is incredible! They deserve to be recognized and feel special, but it doesn't hurt any less. I never know if I should stay seated, or risk standing and having someone around me think I'm crazy because they don't view me as a mom. What constitutes a mom anyway? I have conceived 5 children, Check! I have given birth, Check! I have loved them unconditionally, Check! I have cared for them endlessly, Check! I did everything imaginable to keep them alive, Check! I planned their memorial, and burial when they did not make here on this earth! From the sound of it, I have done exactly what a mom would do in my situation! I AM A MOM! I will celebrate being a mom!
Ferrari, me, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and their baby went down to some shops on Mother's day. I figured it would be good to get out of the house. No joke, the first shop we walked into was handing out roses to all the moms. Go figure! My first instinct was to run the other direction as fast as possible. Instead, I continued to follow my sister-in-law. The young sales girl skipped over to my SIL and handed her a beautiful white rose. For a second, I swear my heart either stopped or just sank far enough down into my stomach I couldn't feel it beating anymore. My SIL, without skipping a beat, told the girl thank you and how I was a mom too! The sales girl just smiled and handed me a rose too. I was shocked! I glanced at Ferrari to see if he just caught what had happened, and he had. My heart started beating in my chest again, and my eyes welled up with tears. I know the sales girl had no idea what all was going through my head, and how much of an effect that white rose would have on me; but it was THE sweetest part of the day for me. My SIL did not have to do what she did, but I am SO grateful that she had. She recognized me as a mom, and from that moment on every one else in the store would too because I was carrying a beautiful white rose.
I still feel like I am in survival mode, even with Mother's Day behind me. I have the twin's First Birthday Box Making Party through my non-profit, Owl Love You Forever, coming up on May 20! (please email me or RSVP on our facebook page if you want to come) Their actual birthday is May 24, and Father's Day just to top it all off. I know I will get through the next couple months with ease, because I have the greatest God! He will pick me up, or maybe He hasn't put me down yet from this weekend, and carry me through the thick of it! He has done it for me in the past every time I needed Him, and I have no question that He will do it again for me!
I also want to thank all my friends and family who made
my first Mother's Day special.
I loved all the messages, gifts, and special notes I received!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Owl Love You Forever

I don't think I have ever kept a new year's resolution, let alone finish one early! However, I can say that I successfully achieved one of my resolutions a quarter of the way through the year!
Yes it is true... my Non-Profit organization is official! Check it Out!

Owl Love You Forever was conceived after going through the loss of our twins and then walking with our cousins when they lost their baby girl. Our desire is to help families experiencing similar situations to feel loved and comforted. We realize so few people know how to help or what to say. Providing boxes to families, who only have a short amount of time with their baby at the hospital, is one way to help. The boxes include items that are meaningful in these unfortunate circumstances.

Please help us provide support and memories for these grieving families.

You can donate and sign up for newsletters on our website!

You can Follow us on twitter @OLYF_nonprofit

You can Like us at

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Encourager gets Encouraged

So, I realize I have been MIA for a while, I apologize. I have been so incredibly busy I haven't been able to sit down and write. I have what seems to be a million ideas for blog posts floating around in my head, but I haven't been able to take the time to sit down and think them through.
So here we go!
This past weekend was a huge weekend for me. My brother-in-law got married to the love of his life on Friday night. Due to the fact that his bride is from England, she was waiting across the pond until her VISA came through which happened to come in at the last moment possible. So, you are looking at the fill in wedding planner for her. She told me all her ideas via skype and email, and I made them happen. Needless to say, come Saturday morning I was ready for a vacation.
I didn't get the relaxation trip I thought I needed (you know the one to the 5 star spa complete with massage and facial), but instead spent the entire day with a bus full of 40 women who have all lost children. We drove up to a remote retreat center, to spend the day with God and each other. I told a few people about the retreat I was going on, and I have to be honest most people thought I was crazy. They didn't get why I would want to spend my day with a whole bunch of heartbroken women.
Well, let me tell you a little something about women who have lost children. We like to be together, we like to support each other, and we like to comfort one another. We all speak the same language, and we all understand the pain and heartache we are feeling. We don't have to apologize for the tears, or for the fist pumping in anger. We GET each other. I know my friends and family can get tired of me saying the same things over and over, and what I can't help is the fact that I feel the need to always repeat myself. When I relive moments that are painful out loud to my friends and family I know it isn't the most enjoyable conversation, but there are some days when that is what I NEED to do. I try not to always talk about my loss because I don't want to depress everyone around me. This bus provided an environment where we could all talk about our children in heaven and not feel like the people listening wished we would just stop talking about it already!
The funny thing is, I was on this bus as an "encourager" to show women how to make purpose out of our pain. I don't know how many women I encouraged, but I do know there were SO many that encouraged me. I met some incredible women! Some with far more heartbreaking stories than my own. I know there are days when I feel like a complete outcast, I am 24 years old and have 5 children in heaven. Who else has gone through that much loss? The feelings of isolation and failure creep into my heart and mind daily. Hearing other women's stories puts everything in my life into perspective and reminds me to be thankful for what I do have. God could allow so much more to happen to me, but He hasn't. He has me where I am today for a reason. I hope that doesn't come out sounding wrong, it is kind of hard to explain.
All in all, the trip did re-energize me, "emotionally." My body didn't recover from the craziness of all the wedding events, but my soul did! My heart was rejuvenated and I went home feeling like I could tackle what Satan throws my way next!
I know this was kind of a random post filled with different thoughts, but it came from the heart. It resembles the completely chaotic mess of thoughts in my head. There are some days when I just have so much to say but still need to figure out how to break it down into different posts so my fellow readers don't think I'm rambling :) yes, I try and organize my thoughts for you, you all are in my best interest!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Father, forgive them...

I received an email the other day from a reader requesting a post on how infertility can be embarrassing and shameful. I can honestly say these emotions at times can take over. We don't know who we can trust, who we can talk to, and who even cares. Infertility is such a misunderstood disease. If you haven't walked the road, you don't know what it's like. Not to mention every woman handles it differently, so how I wanted to be treated may not be how someone else struggling with infertility may want to be treated. However, what we all have in common is how hurt we can get from people's comments.
A very wise woman told me, "When someone makes an inappropriate comment to you regarding infertility or your loss, try and remember one phrase- Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus said this in Luke 23:34, when He had the strength to call out to God to forgive those who were causing Him pain. This verse has been a life saver for me. When I feel like screaming at someone for being insensitive, this scripture calms me back down. There is such truth to this statement, because without walking in our shoes most people really don't even know their comments are causing us pain. I'm going to be honest, it's not always easy to forgive whoever makes the comment, but I can get myself to a place where I forgive them because I acknowledge they didn't even know they were hurting me.
Those of you who also suffer from infertility and/or loss completely understand me when I say how isolated and alone we feel. Day to day tasks are hard, things spark our emotions and send us in a tail spin and there seems to be no one around to talk to that would "get it."
I mean come on, is it just me, or does it seem like everyone and their cousin is having a set of twins. I never really noticed twins before I had my own, and now I swear I see a set every day. Pregnant women seem to be taking over target and the mall, I just cant seem to escape them. The last thing I need while trying to make it through a party or family get together is someone pointing out how I have "no children, but I will someday." After someone tells me this, and I am over the initial shock and have touched up make-up after crying in the bathroom; I have to force myself to recite that little phrase. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." (or say) Yes, I added that last little part, but it is the words that seem to hurt the most. People say the wildest, weirdest, and rudest comments. I want to crawl in a cave and just cry, and I would love someone to be waiting in the cave to cry with me but unfortunately most people just don't understand what I'm feeling.
Infertility is such a terribly painful disease, and for the most part people don't talk about. If i'm willing to talk about it, most people are not wanting to listen because they get uncomfortable and they don't understand it. This blog has been such an amazing outlet for me, I get to talk about it and those that want to listen and try and understand can read what I have to say. I think it has been great for my friends and family to understand me better.
If you know someone struggling with infertility or dealing with the aftermath of an infant loss please please take one thing away from this entry, be careful of what you say. Words have a way of piercing the soul and will stay with you forever. If you don't know what TO say, silence or a hug can speak volumes. Please don't just try and fill silence with empty chatter, because this is the time when words will slip out of your mouth that you didn't plan on saying or meaning. Really think about something before you say it and if you think for some reason at all it could offend someone, DON'T SAY IT. As helpful as you want to be, realizing that all you might be able to do is be the shoulder for her to cry on, embrace that job. Your friend needs someone like you to just be there, that's it!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Highway of Infertility

I picture the road of infertility as more of a congested freeway in LA. If only the road of infertility had just one fork in it. Having to choose between the path to the left or the path to the right, would be complicated enough. However, infertility is more like 7 different exits, onramps, and detours. Many paths take you in a circle right back to where you started, and other ramps take you miles away from where you thought you were headed. When I first started feeling so lost and confused with where this journey was headed, I would get very angry and frustrated. I wanted God to simply tell me which lane on the freeway to take. Why should I have to make all these wrong turns before I get where I am needing to go?
Then I realized something. I would not be the woman I am today without all these detours. I wouldn't be as strong or nearly as faithful. I would still be leaning on my own understanding and my husband's strength to get me through. Instead of living my life completely out of faith in God and His plan for my life.
I have started to resent ever using the phrase "God is stretching me out really thin." I have shifted my thinking and phrasing, and now like to think of it as God enlarging me. Traveling down the different roads of loss, getting to a dead end with a treatment option, or trying to figure out what exit ramp to take next, God is using each of these situations to enlarge me. He is allowing me to grow more in faith, in my relationship with my husband, and most of all grow closer to Him. I probably would never voluntarily choose to take an extra detour on this infertility journey, but I am very thankful for each one of the detours I have taken. I have to focus on what I have learned about myself and how it shapes my future.
The next time you feel stretched too thin, remember God is enlarging you and teaching you something extremely valuable. You just have to be open and willing to look at it with a positive perspective, as opposed to the all too common "why me" response. (Which is the response I have been known to use all too often)
When I am having a particularly tough day it really helps me to go back and read past posts about what I have learned. It is such a great reminder to where God has brought me, verses where I was when I first started down this road. I don't think you will ever catch me saying I am thankful for going through infertility, but what I will say is how thankful I am for what I have learned from the painful situations. I am better for having gone through this process, my marriage is stronger because of it, and my relationship with Christ has never been better. The day to day may be tough, but knowing my future will be different because of where I have walked is a great encouragement to continue this journey.

Monday, March 21, 2011

What I am Worth

There have been many occasions over the past 3 years in which I let people's words get under my skin. I have been spending a significant amount of time working on this because I have to realize that they don't even know how hurtful their words are.
However, more than just words I am hoping to help people realize there needs to be a bigger change than just words, but also a change in their perception. One of the most hurtful things I have experienced is at parties or other large gatherings. The first thing people say to one another is the oh so common, "So what do you do for a living?" When I respond politely with, "I don't have a job, I stay at home." Their next question is, "So how many children do you have?" Then in my most patient voice, I respond with, "I don't have children." (This response angers me anyways, because what I really want to tell them is about my 5 beautiful children in heaven; but I am afraid of their reaction) Then they respond with a blank stare, they don't know what to say, so they say, "Well what do you do all day?" Now, I realize they are not trying to hurt my feelings, but man oh man they do! It took a while for me to realize this was going to be everyone's response, so I began to use humor. When people would ask those basic questions I began responding with, "Well, I don't have children or a job, so I basically shop and sit around and watch t.v." Then they would stare and wait to see if I was serious, then I would laugh and they would laugh with me and it didn't hurt so bad that way.
I feel like me being me, taking care of my husband and my dog, cleaning the house and cooking is not enough. It doesn't measure up to the world's standards of having enough purpose. I have struggled with this issue for the past 3 years, and I think it is so wrong! Why do we have to be measured by our job or how many children we have raised? Society makes us believe that if we don't have either, than we aren't worth much.
I was reminded yesterday at church about how much we are worth! We are worth so much more than what we do or what we have. An occupation or being a mom doesn't define who we are. God made us each in His image, exactly the way He wanted to make us. We are all different with various spiritual gifts. As Christians, we are called to so much more. We are called to love unconditionally, give to those who need, care for those who are hurting, and give compassion when it is due.
I have never felt as fulfilled as I do today. I concentrate on helping other women who struggle with infertility and walk along side moms who lose their babies. I love to dream about the future, and what I can do to help. This is a different me, a changed me. I used to only dream about being a mom. I thought having children was the only thing that would make me feel complete and fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I still have a huge burning desire to be a mom! It just isn't the only thing that drives me every day. I don't wake up fixated on getting to that point in my life. I have realized if I live that way, life will pass me by. I now appreciate Ferrari so much more, I appreciate the time we have just the two of us. I know one day, it won't just be the two of us and that will be amazing! I know I am worth so much more and so are you! Don't let other's thoughts or perceptions about you get under your skin. I guarantee they don't know how much they are hurting you, because they don't walk in your shoes. Instead, focus on who you are and where your are in life; because God has you here in this place for a reason, so relish in His glorious and perfect plan!

Our Church's prayer for the week:
God, allow me to see others the way you see them.
God, allow me to see myself the way you see me.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Tale of a Whale

I spent the better part of last week out of town. Therefore, I spent the last few days catching up on everything here at home instead of blogging. While I was out of town I spent time with quite a few of my nieces and nephews. I had a conversation with one about Jonah and the whale. After our sweet conversation I couldn't help but think that this child's story provides so much insight for me. It must have been years since I read that story, so I decided to go back and reread the story of Jonah.
Just in case you aren't familiar with the story of Jonah, or want a refresher- this little girl retells it the best, by far!

During this infertility process, I have definitely felt a lot like Jonah. Out of fear, I have ran from Nineveh. There are tests and procedures that I have never wanted to do. I have turned down options that seemed too far fetched, expensive, or uncomfortable. I wanted to stay right where I was, where it was nice and comfortable and I knew what to expect.
When I get into rough waters after running away, God is there to rescue me and provide me a safe place- it just might be in the belly of a whale. Initially, I pray and am so thankful to Him for rescuing me, but after a while, in the belly of the whale is not exactly what I had in mind. I get agitated that His plan is not my plan. Why am I not content with where He has me, I am alive at least? Why is it so hard to see beyond the stomach of the whale, and realize all that He has blessed me with? I have to consciously decide to be thankful for what He has done for me, and look beyond what I don't have. Only then, will I be strong enough to venture out to Nineveh, down the road that is scary and unknown.
One day, I hope to be able to finish the comparison of my life to Jonah's. I want to be able to express how Ferrari and I listened to God and obeyed his instruction. No matter how unchartered the territory is, that we had the faith to do it together!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

A Brush of Faith

Have you ever felt like you are with the Israelites wandering through the desert? In the past, I have pictured myself just wandering, not in the desert, but in this field of loss and infertility. You try and listen to what you think God is telling you to do next, but at times you're unsure of what He wants you to do. God uses those times, when we feel lost and unsure, to teach us what it means to live off of faith. Faith is knowing He has the perfect plan for you without seeing it what it is. His plan is just around the corner, if you would just believe. Faith that his plan for you is not to harm you, but to give you hope.
There are other times, when you clearly know what God is telling you to do. You may not want to do it, so you try and ignore Him. God is persistent, and He will not let up. Even if you are scared or have anxiety over what God is telling you to do, you have to have faith. Faith that what He has called you to do is not setting you up for failure, but have faith that what He wants you to do is for your good, and it is part of His will for your life.
Today, because it is Wednesday and I should be with my Bible study girls watching a Beth Moore video (if I weren't headed out of town), I decided to post this video of her that I absolutely love. She is a woman of such great faith, and one of my biggest role models. Enjoy, and prepare to laugh!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

A Tale from the Bottom of the Barrel

Has there ever been a time in your life where you had to literally trust God with everything, and move forward with faith alone? If you have, you know full well how hard this can be.
When something throws our plan off, even just a little, we freak out. Well, traveling the road of infertility has felt like that for me. It has been a three year path so far, and it has definitely not gone according to our will. After you have lost 5 babies in 3 years, you start to reassess your plan. You start to ask more questions. Am I on the right path in the first place? I thought this is where God wanted us to be, but maybe it's not.
Ferrari and I had a plan when we got married. We were going to start a family right away! We wanted four children and then we wanted to adopt a precious little one that we could give a home. (I know, Ferrari must really love me to agree to 5 children, haha :) Then, life started to happen and it wasn't going according to our plan. Who would'a thought? We figured our plan was perfect, why would God want to mess that up. Reality is, our plan is far from perfect and it has definitely not gone our way. Yes, we have our five children, they just happen to be living with Jesus instead of here on earth with us. There comes a point when we have to sit back and ask God what is the deal? Obviously, His plan for our life does not mirror our plan for our life.
We have to throw our plan out the window and forget about it. Otherwise, I sit and constantly compare how it is going all wrong. How we had planned to have two children by my 25th birthday, which happens to be this June, and we have none! Each year I vow to myself that I will have a child at Christmas to share the holidays with, 3 Christmases have come and went with no children in my arms.
The way I see it, we only have one option anymore. We have to move forward with complete and utter FAITH. There is no other way! I may not be able to see the path ahead; but God is going to direct where our feet should go, which doctor's to see, and which decisions to make.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

The amazing thing is with faith comes peace. Peace is one of my new favorite things. Waking up in the morning knowing I have no control over my life and where it takes me, ironically gives me peace. When the human side of me stops focusing on MY plan, and allows GOD'S plan for my life to take shape it gives me peace. I know that whatever happens to me or for me comes from God, therefore it will all be for GOOD.
I know some of you reading this are thinking, how can you really live like that in such hard times. Honestly, it is easier for me to live out this faith filled lifestyle when life is hard. When life is 'easy,' the human/sinner side takes over and you don't feel like you need God's help. When you are at the bottom of the barrel the only thing you see is the Light shining down on you from above. It is much easier to focus on the light, the Lord, and nothing else. He is the only way out of this mess, and He is the only way I can get back up on my feet again. We used to recite this verse a lot back in high school, but it now holds a new meaning for me.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26

When you find yourself in times of trouble, God does not try to hide. He wants you to see Him! He wants us to see His shining face looking down on us. For me, seeing the light from the bottom of the barrel is like seeing God looking down on me, and it gives me peace. When you know He is with you, there is nothing to worry about and that is such a great feeling!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Alisyn Camerota Speaks out on Today Show

In case you didn't see this amazing clip, it is a must see! You will better understand how hard it is going through the infertility process, and how we need support. Statistically support groups help women get pregnant! One in 8 couples struggle with some form of infertility- just a staggering statistic to me! Support groups also help women get through the grief process when they don't get pregnant!
I attend a support group/Bible study an hour away, and I have been trying to start one closer to home for other women. I have run into a few road blocks, but hope to start one under my charity/ministry if it doesn't work out starting one through my church.
If you are in the Phoenix area and wish to know more about the support group I attend, please email me at

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

9 Months of Grief

There are some days where I just seem extra emotional and I can't figure out why. I sit back and realize subconsciously I must be worrying about something. Today, I realized why I am so sad, and its because tomorrow marks 9 months since we said goodbye to Arie James & Hadilyn Faith. 9 months is how long it takes to grow a full term child inside your womb, it takes 9 months to complete a grade level in school, and on average it takes 9 months to plan a wedding. Why can't it take 9 months to finish the grief process?
It has been 9 months since their birth, and what do I have to show for it? I didn't complete anything, except losing another pregnancy. I strive to feel fulfilled in other areas, this blog for example, getting my charity started, and writing a book; but none of that is completed yet, and I guess I won't feel my accomplishment until it is.
It's been 9 months since their birth and somedays it feels like yesterday. I can recall so many details from that day, the way their skin felt when I kissed their cheeks, & the smell of their tiny heads of hair. The road of grief is definitely not a straight and narrow one. It has so many turns, bumps, and detours. Just when you think everything you have been doing for the past 9 months is worth something, you remember how worthless you felt on that dreadful day they told you they wouldn't live but a few moments.
I have to focus on the positive things that have happened to me since their birth. My relationship with Christ has never been stronger. I am confident that I can get through anything because God will never leave my side. Why aren't these things enough on days like today? Why can't I focus on what I do have and realize it out weighs what I have lost? I guess I am allowing satan too much control, control of my mind and control of my heart.
I have some pretty major holidays coming up in the next few months that I have to get through, Mother's Day, their birthday, Father's day, & my birthday. That is exactly how I have been looking at the them, I just need to get through. I hate that, I wish I could enjoy them but instead I just hope and pray they come and go as fast as possible. I wish these holidays weren't so painful, but they are right now and may be this way for a long time. I need to stop fearing for the holidays and milestones that are to come. I need to re-shift my focus back on today and what I can do to better myself and others. I am glad for days like today, I know God is testing me and my faith. The old me, would not have handled today like I have. The old me would have sat in my room with all the windows closed and cried. I would have sulked and persistently begged God to explain to me why He was doing this to me. Instead, I choose to except the sad day that I am having and understand it will allow me to grow. I need to rely on Christ to get me through!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Monday, February 21, 2011

Get Me off This Ride

Ever been on a merry-go-round one too many times in a row? Well, that is the best analogy for what my life has felt like for the past 3 years. I continually go up and down, finding out we are pregnant & losing the baby/babies, while simultaneously going 'round & 'round on this nauseating monotonous path of infertility. This may be a lame attempt at an analogy, but this is the best way I can describe what I am going through. Every time we have a high, and allow ourselves to get excited for our pregnancy, we come back down as we grieve through another loss. The path we have been on seems eerily similar to the same path we have traveled year after year. Some may know, and others may not have noticed but for some reason I always end up getting pregnant the same time every year. I always ask for a baby for Christmas, and remarkably I end up pregnant. We receive our due dates, which have happened to include the following: September 13th, September 23rd, and our latest September 4th. Ferrari's birthday is February 13, which ends up being towards the end of our first trimester. Twice now we have had to celebrate with heart filled with pain, due to miscarriage. After this loss, all I could scream was for someone to get me off this terrible ride.
Everyday I have people ask me how I am doing. I always have to take a moment and think about if this person wants me to honestly answer the question, or just give them a polite, "I'm good." If I was going to answer their question honestly I would have to say something like this, "I'm fine, considering. Today was better than the last but I know this may change at any time and tomorrow I could take 5 steps back in the grief process." I struggle with how much to say, what not to say, what would be too much information for some people, and who I want knowing what about me.
On the other hand, I feel more real with my friends and family when I tell them the truth. I feel like they understand me better, and when I am hanging out with them they get why I am acting the way I am. For example, this past weekend was extremely hard. There was so many painful experiences wrapped up into one weekend I thought I might explode. I took a minute to reflect on similar situations after previous losses, and realized I had to undergo similar amounts of painful experiences very quickly after a loss and I always seemed to make it through. I seem to miscarry right before family & friends give birth to healthy babies. I always make it through their births, and as hard as it is celebrating a brand new baby, the point is God carries me. These past situations gave me a glimmer of hope when I thought about trying to get through this past weekend. Regardless, I was an emotional wreck. I celebrated my niece's first birthday, watched what seemed like 50 families dedicate their healthy children to the Lord at church, and followed this up with my nephew's first birthday party. I told my family before hand this would be a tough weekend, and this helped things not feel so awkward.
I didn't really show my pain through tears this weekend, I noticed more anger and bitterness. I snapped at Ferrari a couple times, and hated myself after for doing it. All I could focus on this weekend was wanting off this dumb merry-go-round. I am so tired of going 'round and 'round feeling disappointed and like a failure, when is it going to stop? I don't have the answer to that question and boy is it frustrating.
The hardest thing is living each day not knowing when my moment will come. I have to solely rely on God's timing. He knows the very second my dream will come true, and I hold tight to the feeling of complete elation when it happens. For now, I am trying to live my life with a purpose that is not fixated on feeling completed when I am blessed with a child. I have no idea how long that will take, and I am pretty sure God does not want me sitting on my hands until it happens. If I could take this time in between and use it for good, I will regain purpose for the pain I have felt. I am getting closer to my charity/non-profit everyday. I am blessed God has provided me with people to help me get it up and running. I will post more about it soon, hopefully!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

None Like You

Over the past few years, we have received a lot of cards in the mail from family and friends after each of our losses. To tell you the truth, we have 5 or 6 copies of each card. They must not make very many grief/loss cards. If someone is looking for a business, there's an opportunity for you.
Anyway, that's besides the point. At my last doctor's visit my sweet nurse practitioner, who has been by my side through this whole infertility process, gave me a sweet card that I have never received before and it read...

God has not promised
skies always blue,
flower-strewn pathways
all our lives through;
God has not promised
sun without rain,
joy without sorrow,
peace without pain.

But God has promised
strength for the day,
rest for the labor,
light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
help from above,
unfailing sympathy,
undying love.
By Annie Johnson Flint

I am so thankful for poets who can write these words, and really capture everything I need to hear in one poem. I am so thankful for Christian doctors and nurses, who take the extra time to care for me physically and emotionally. Just today I received a text message from the nurse that helped deliver my twins back in May. God provided me with Christian nurses, doctors, and nurse practitioners to walk beside me on this journey. There was nothing more comforting than having my doctors and nurses praying with us during those hard days. God knew Ferrari and I would need that support, and we couldn't have asked for better doctors and nurses.
I just wanted to take a minute today and reflect on what God has provided me through all of this. A minute to reflect on the little things that might normally go undetected. Have you really sat and thought about how God orchestrates the smallest details in every situation to turn out the way He has arranged for the perfect outcome. He didn't allow me to go to my last ultrasound alone like I should have last week. I changed it a few days before because Ferrari was going to leave town, and I wanted him by my side at that appointment. The fact that God cared enough to rearrange my schedule so that I would have my husband by my side. God doesn't have to do those little things for us, but doesn't it make you smile when you realize the small things He does do for us. Those are often the things that go unnoticed. Who can deny a miracle when it happens, but the small things; those are the things we may take for granted. We may think we had something to do with them, but we don't. They are the very things God organizes for us, individually. I am so glad I have relationship with a God like that. A God that will never leave me alone, will never stop loving me, and one that will continue to bless me even when I don't deserve it. I love you God, and there is definitely no one like you- NONE like you!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Tale of Number 5

Some of you may have noticed a change to my profile, but since I know many readers don't check that on a routine basis I will share the update in a post too.
I have been pretty quiet here on the blog front for the past couple months. I have still written but couldn't write about what I was truly going through. I struggled with the words to say & not say on here. I never want to offend any of my readers, therefore it can be difficult writing about what I am going through. I pull everything I write about right from my real life. Things that happen to me or don't happen to me are the things that shape me and I like to share them so others understand me. However, two days before Christmas, Ferrari and I found out we were pregnant. We didn't believe it was true due to some of the infertility treatments we used, they can cause false positives. However, we went to the doctor a few days after Christmas and they confirmed we were pregnant. Cautiously optimistic was the way we felt. We wanted to be happy, but we try not to let ourselves get to excited for fear of another loss. I never told my readers about the pregnancy because if there is ever a reader who just went through a loss, I would hate to turn them off of my blog because I was talking about being pregnant again. I know that I follow infertility blogs and then once they get pregnant all of the belly pics they post drive me up the wall and I quit following them. I want this blog to be a place to provide hope for those on this tough road of loss, and at times this causes me trouble deciding what to include on here and what not to.
Anyway, we don't really have to worry about whether I should post about my pregnancy or not, because we learned on Thursday that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. As routine as this may seem for us, it doesn't make it easy. The pain is still real and raw and powerful each time we encounter it. This pain has the ability to change me, and I am aware of this. However, I have to remember I have the power to allow it to change me for good!
I was almost 11 weeks along and ready to make this public news to all family and friends, but our 5th child had stopped growing around 8 1/2 weeks. This was extremely similar to our first miscarriage back in February of 2009. For that pregnancy I was due September 13, and this time I was due September 4th. When we found out about our first miscarriage I was almost 11 weeks along, and the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. After that first miscarriage I spent the next few weeks in a very somber depressed state of mind. I questioned everything. I questioned why God would do this to me. I questioned physically why it occurred. I questioned why God would make someone who has wanted children her whole life to lose one. Although the pregnancies were similar, I wanted my grief to be vastly different this time. Today, I no longer question why. I know why this is happening, maybe not the specifics; but I definitely understand the theme to these losses. It is a part of God's plan for me. I can no longer waste my time, energy, and tears on wondering why He would ever allow someone to lose one child; and instead accept that He has allowed me to now lose 5. I seriously find peace in knowing this is all for my greater good, and I can't explain to you how I have gotten to this point of understanding other than it was with God's help. He has really taught me how to live not according to my will, but His. He has promised me the desires of my heart as long as I live by faith. The other day I read this verse in Luke and it really stuck out to me even though I know I have heard it before. I believe this is Elizabeth talking about Mary after God contacted her and told her she would be the mother of the Son of God. She trusted God wholeheartedly and my desire is to have the same trust in His promises for me.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"
Luke 1:45

Lord, like Mary, I believe in your promises to me!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Needed these Lyrics today!

Yesterday, as I drove home from my sister's house this song came on my radio. It moved me to tears, just as it had that first time the words kissed my ears. I literally feel like this is the last 3 years of my life wrapped up into one song. I wanted to share these lyrics with you today, because like me, you may need them to lean on. I thought it was random why God had me listen to that song yesterday (I hadn't played it in quite some time) until something happened today that made it all make sense. I realized He was preparing me with the very words I would need for comfort and strength. Many people say they have never heard God speak to them, and about a year ago I would have been one of those people. However, I know now when He is talking to me. He speaks so loudly at times, I can't ignore Him. He spoke to me yesterday through this song and if you have never heard it please go download it from iTunes, you will not be sorry!

No Matter What
By Kerrie Roberts
I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what

There are two key phrases in this song that can not go unnoticed. The phrase where she says "I know you can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I'll trust in you, No Matter What." The other phrase is "I know you can keep me from the pain, but if not, I'll trust you." I can't tell you how many times I have been angry with God about losing each of my babies, but what I can tell you is that I rest assured knowing I can still TRUST God. He is still in control, He is still allowing things to happen to me to grow and shape me. Each day is hard, and sometimes I feel like they will never get easy. However, the pain I feel WILL bring purpose. It already has in so many ways. For starters, my faith has never been stronger. Him and I both know my faith wouldn't be where it is today if it weren't for all my loss I have endured. Those who ask for great faith, will be tested so God can give you circumstances in which you solely rely on Him. Those who ask for patience, will be tested so God can put you in circumstances in which you will have to wait on His timing. I know I have greater faith than ever, and much much more patience than when I started on this road of infertility. However, I am just wondering how much more God thinks I need. I wonder when will be the day when He will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." I can not wait to hear Him whisper those words to me, or yell them for that matter!