Friday, January 4, 2013

Room #334

     Yesterday Audie and I made a special delivery to Banner Good Samaritan Hospital.  I have been back there PLENTY of times since the birth of the twins for box deliveries, but never with my daughter in my arms.  It was QUITE a different feeling parking on the 3rd floor of the garage, and having to get her out of her car seat to bring inside with me.  I have a very special relationship with a few of the nurses there, and I will admit I felt a HUGE sense of pride walking through those doors with Audie on my hip and a HUGE smile on my face!  I couldn't wait for one in particular to meet her.
     Well, it turns out when we got there she had just stepped out of Labor & Delivery to transfer a patient to Postpartum.  Audie and I decided to wait for her by the ancillary desk.  Audie flashed her grin at every one that walked by, and MANY nurses stopped to say hi.  In true crazy hospital fashion, the elevator broke so the nurse we were trying to meet was taking quite a while getting back to Labor & Delivery.  So, we got comfortable and took a seat behind the desk.  It was then that I realized the room directly across from the desk was Room #334.
    That was MY room.  I watched as nurses and doctors went in and out of Room #334.  I saw them roll the infant cart over and leave it outside the door.  I knew the Mommy inside must be close to getting to meet her little one.  I couldn't help but think back to May 24, 2010.  I pictured all the family and friends huddled in the hallway, some sleeping on the floors just waiting for the twins arrival. It gave me a whole different perspective on that day.  I can remember feeling completely and utterly held by God, lifted up in thousands of prayers.  I had never personally felt those feelings before.  I like to tell people that I never felt my feet touch the floor until weeks later, once the twins' memorial service was over.  I can only remember bits and pieces of the conversations that happened inside my room, but I can't even imagine the conversations that my friends and family were having in that very hallway.
    I sat there day dreaming about what it would be like giving birth to a healthy baby.  I pictured all the same family and friends and so many more wanting to come meet the baby.  The conversations would be SO different.  I long for that day!  I'm not sure if it will ever come, but a girl can dream right :)
   When we picked up Audie Lynn from the hospital no one came with us, there was no time for that.  We got the call and she was ready to go home immediately.  We weren't there for her birth, we didn't get a room to celebrate with family and friends.  Adoption is different, plain and simple.  As an adoptive Mommy you do miss out on a lot that you would experience if you gave birth to your child.  With the loss of those experiences do come different emotions.  There are days when I grieve the loss of those special moments we missed out on.  The feelings are there, but they don't last long.  Audie will flash me a smile or say Mama and I move on to thanking God for the moments we have and will have with her.