It has been 9 months since their birth, and what do I have to show for it? I didn't complete anything, except losing another pregnancy. I strive to feel fulfilled in other areas, this blog for example, getting my charity started, and writing a book; but none of that is completed yet, and I guess I won't feel my accomplishment until it is.
It's been 9 months since their birth and somedays it feels like yesterday. I can recall so many details from that day, the way their skin felt when I kissed their cheeks, & the smell of their tiny heads of hair. The road of grief is definitely not a straight and narrow one. It has so many turns, bumps, and detours. Just when you think everything you have been doing for the past 9 months is worth something, you remember how worthless you felt on that dreadful day they told you they wouldn't live but a few moments.
I have to focus on the positive things that have happened to me since their birth. My relationship with Christ has never been stronger. I am confident that I can get through anything because God will never leave my side. Why aren't these things enough on days like today? Why can't I focus on what I do have and realize it out weighs what I have lost? I guess I am allowing satan too much control, control of my mind and control of my heart.
I have some pretty major holidays coming up in the next few months that I have to get through, Mother's Day, their birthday, Father's day, & my birthday. That is exactly how I have been looking at the them, I just need to get through. I hate that, I wish I could enjoy them but instead I just hope and pray they come and go as fast as possible. I wish these holidays weren't so painful, but they are right now and may be this way for a long time. I need to stop fearing for the holidays and milestones that are to come. I need to re-shift my focus back on today and what I can do to better myself and others. I am glad for days like today, I know God is testing me and my faith. The old me, would not have handled today like I have. The old me would have sat in my room with all the windows closed and cried. I would have sulked and persistently begged God to explain to me why He was doing this to me. Instead, I choose to except the sad day that I am having and understand it will allow me to grow. I need to rely on Christ to get me through!
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26