Thursday, February 3, 2011

Is it Nothing, or the End of Everything

I was reminded yesterday of the feelings I went through May 22, 2010. Ferrari and I had spent the morning cleaning out the spare room to turn it into the nursery. We drove the boxes of old books and clothes to a local church for their rummage sale. We were finally getting excited to "nest" our little ones' room and prepare it for their furniture! However, when we got home I started bleeding. I screamed for Ferrari and off to the hospital we went. I have a hard time describing the feelings I experienced during that drive. It literally felt as if our world had just collapsed and I was screaming as loud as possible but no one around could hear me. I know my hubby was driving way too fast, and yet somehow the cars on the freeway seemed to be passing us. They were going about their day as any other Saturday, without a care in the world. No one knew what we were experiencing in our car, the fear and the uncertainty. I remember being so upset that the rest of the world didn't care, they were laughing and having a great Saturday. When we got to the hospital every person we encountered acted as if we had no reason to worry. I distinctly remember the lady checking me in telling me everything is going to be just fine, I just might meet my child sooner than expected. That's the thing. None of these people could tell from the outside that I was only 4 1/2 months pregnant with twins. By the size of my belly they figured I was at least 7 or 8 months along with a singleton. As we sat in triage the nurse kept asking me to calm down, my heart rate was out of control. She began hooking me up to the monitor to check for a heartbeat. After she found one she told me, "See I told you everything was fine." My response was, "What about the other one?" That's when her face began to look more serious. She asked, "What do you mean?" I literally had to explain how far along I was and that I was this big because I was pregnant with twins! She started to take the monitor off and told me they don't hook women up to monitors until they are 24 weeks along. Are you kidding me!! I believe I elevated my voice at this point and demanded she get another monitor and find that 2nd heartbeat! She did find two heartbeats and I felt a lot better for the time being. However, my heart rate didn't show it. We definitely needed comfort in those moments!
I was replaying these events in my head yesterday as a friend of mine went through a similar bleeding scare. I couldn't help but think about how I felt that Saturday morning and how they must have been feeling on their drive to the hospital. Seeing everyone around them go about their day as if nothing traumatic was going on in their life. My trans-like state, I experienced, on the drive to the hospital will never leave my mind. It's a feeling that is not easy to shake. When I think about it, it is still so real to me. I will remember seeing that blood and wondering, could this bleeding really be nothing or is it the end of everything!
Those emotions and thoughts are things I never wish to have to go through again, however they have made me stronger, more faithful, and way more compassionate. I am thankful for going through those circumstances, because God shaped me into a much better daughter, sister, and friend. Even if I can't relate exactly to what you are going through, struggles are struggles. Heartache comes in lots of shapes and sizes, but what everyone needs during their struggles is compassion. In fact, Christ commanded us to give compassion.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.
Philippians 2:1-2

I remember searching for comfort through prayer, and God answered! He surrounded us with compassionate family and friends. He also blessed us with amazing nurses and doctors, that were filled with compassion. So many people in the medical field lack the bed side manor needed in situations like what we went through. God blessed us with a Christian nurse that went out of her way to make our experience the best that it could be, considering our inevitable outcome.
I used to never enter hospitals, in total honesty they freaked me out! However, after losing little Arie and Hadilyn I have a new found compassion and strength. God has given me the desire to comfort those who have lost a child. I have stepped foot in a hospital more times since May 24, then I have in my whole life. I literally have a burning desire to give comfort and hope. It is most definitely the ministry God has placed on my heart, and I am loving growing in this field. I take each day at a time, and some are easy and others are extremely difficult. However, I know this is exactly where I need to be. My bleeding definitely wasn't nothing, but it most definitely was not the end of everything either. It was just the end to another chapter.


  1. This post was must have been so difficult to write, yet I'm so thankful you are encouraging others through their difficulties! Thank you for your support for Leigh's Blankies! I made my blog button smaller to fit the average blog. Feel free to grab the new code on the site. Thanks again, you are such a blessing to me!

  2. Worded PERFECTLY!!!! Even though I have been so blessed to have 2 of my 3 horrifying drives to the ER turn out to be "nothings" I still remember the 1 that "ended everything" like yesterday and this post will help so many in the same situation!

  3. Oh you are just one strong lady! I really look up to you friend. I am so happy to know you :)