Monday, January 24, 2011

Genders Grieve Differently

I realized really quickly after our first miscarriage how differently Ferrari and I grieved. Men most definitely grieve faster and quieter. I often kept thinking to myself, did this affect him at all. The important thing to realize is that losing a baby does affect men. They hurt like us women hurt, but they just show it differently.
I am so glad I understand this now, because it definitely hurt my feelings while we were going through it the first time. I know other women who have lost babies know exactly what I'm talking about. After our first miscarriage, I think it scared Ferrari how upset I was on a daily basis. I literally cried all day every day for a few weeks. It was a terrible way to live for those few weeks, and I honestly think it scared Ferrari. He didn't know what to do or say to fix my problems. Now, knowing men like to fix our problems, this must have driven him crazy. Of course I didn't understand this is how we was feeling back then, instead it offended me when he would beg me to stop crying and put some make-up on. He wanted nothing more than for me to be healed and move on. However, that is not what I felt like doing. I wanted to cry, I needed to cry.
Today, I am aware that there should be a time limit on how much I cry in one day. Otherwise, I will end up spiraling out of control and too depressed to move forward. As a mommy who has now lost four babies, I can honestly say that there are just going to be those days for the rest of my life in which I just feel like crying. God gave us the ability to cry for a reason, and I believe crying is therapeutic. A good cry can help me get through what feelings I'm having that day. Have you ever noticed, that once you are done crying your eyes out; aside from the splitting headache, emotionally you feel better!
I also want to encourage anyone that is going through their first loss. Your hubby may not completely understand how you're feeling and why you are grieving the way you are. However, the best thing to do is communicate with your spouse. Explain to him why you don't move on as fast as he does. A healthy grieving process is going to take a while for us women. We have a lot to process. If you don't deal with your grief up front, it will come up again in the future. As long as you keep communicating with your spouse and understanding where he is coming from; your grief processes can work together. Having the ability to lean on your spouse on your bad days and be his sounding board when he needs someone to listen- is the best equation to healthy grieving as a couple. Understanding each other is a necessity! Don't worry if he is moving faster than you in his grief, chances are he is trying to be strong for you and is just grieving silently. For anyone who is grieving without a spouse for support, I urge to find someone or a support group to lean on. No one should have to grieve alone! I meet with a great support group for women here in AZ, and if you want the information I would be delighted to pass it on to you!


  1. I'm not sure how I stumbled upon your blog but it has really touched me. I know that my story doesn't have all of the pain that yours does but your blog and your words make me feel like somebody knows the pain of longing for a child and being unable to currently have one. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story so publically. You do it in a way that is real and honest but still hopeful.

  2. It was nice seeing you the other day. I just wanted to let you know that your blog has really helped me understand how to encourage those in my life who are dealing with the same things as you and your husband. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  3. And I also forgot to mention to you at the mall that Julie Watt is my sister in law. You guys went to Thailand together....

    small world.