The Scarlet Number

I'm sure you all read the book in school called "The Scarlet Letter." You know the book about the women who commit adultery having to wear a scarlet letter "A" around their neck to let society know what they have done. Throughout this whole infertility process I often feel like I should have a scarlet number hanging around my neck, and each time I lose a child the number changes. Imagine if I had something hanging around my neck that let people know that I have now lost 4 babies! I can remember buying groceries a couple weeks after miscarrying, and crying when the check out girl was rude. Ya, it could have been the hormones that made me extra emotional, but had the check out girl known what I had just gone through she probably would have treated me differently. Honestly, after I lost the twins this changed the way I now treat people I come across in public. Just as those people don't know what I have been through, I don't know what they have been through either. Therefore, it is only fair for me to treat everyone as if they have had the worst day ever and hopefully make them smile instead of want to cry.

The doctors office is another place where these pink and blue number necklaces would come in handy! I can not tell you how many times some nurse has taken me back to my room and asked me how my children are. SERIOUSLY! Do they even open the file and read just the first line. Shouldn't the fact that I'm 24 and my file is 8 inches thick be any sort of indicator that I'm not the average patient! FYI- I asked my doctor why I kept being asked about my children and why they didn't have more sympathy. They informed me of a routine they have in place in which a stamp of a flower is put on the outside of my file to inform any nurses/doctors that I have lost children and it would be wise not to ask me personal questions. They apologized for their staff not paying enough attention to the stamp. So if you have to endure this same kind of treatment, be sure to ask your doctor if they have some form of routine in place to spare you some grief too!

Did you know that doctors won't send you to a specialist until you have lost 3 babies. Apparently losing one baby or two isn't quite enough. I practically had to beg to see a specialist, because I was tired of hearing how my losses were rare coincidences. Not to mention they call it "habitual aborting" not quite sure why they have to call it that, definitely doesn't sit well in my stomach.

If you are struggling with infertility this next comment might jog your memory of an early conversation you might have had with your hubby. I came across a lot of blogs and forums for infertility and read stories of mommies that lost 7 babies before having their first healthy baby in their arms. I can remember specifically thinking these women were crazy and telling Ferrari there is no way I could go through that! Now look at me, I've lost 4 and want to keep trying.

Am I insane?!? No, I just know I'm supposed to be a mom and no matter how high the number is that hangs around my neck, I will be a mommy to children here on earth! It will happen in God's timing, definitely not mine; if it were my timing we would have had a honeymoon baby! :) haha! My time will come, I have faith in that!

Sorry if my post today seemed more like a rant. I forget how much pent up anger I have against infertility and loss! This post did start out as a reminder to be a positive encouragement to those around me! I wanted to share how we should be more aware of those around us. Without letters and numbers hanging around our necks, we have no idea what is going on in someone's life. Therefore, your kind actions could be the only positive thing that happens to someone in their day. I most definitely strive for my actions and words to be nothing but positive, kind, and Christ like!