Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Tale of Consideration

I have been asked on more than one occasion how you should tell your friend that has lost a baby that you're pregnant. From past experiences, I have learned there are some ways that hurt more than others. So, I hope I can help. Keep in mind that everyone is different too, so what works for me may not be the best for everyone else.
I always prefer to hear that someone is pregnant from the horse's mouth. It may be extremely difficult to tell someone that has lost a baby that you are pregnant because you don't want to upset them. However, it is way more upsetting when you run into this pregnant friend months down the road when she has a huge belly and you had no idea she was even pregnant. This has happened to me on more than one occasion and each time I have had a complete breakdown. It definitely hurts more when you are slapped in the face with it!
I also encourage you to tell this friend of yours in a not so public place. There is a big chance that she will shed a few tears, and not everyone likes crying in public. I love being told when I am in the comfort of my own home. I totally respect a phone call that is solely meant to let me in on their news. It is easier to take in the news while I'm at home with Ferrari and I can cry for a few minutes then lay in his arms in the quiet of our home just the two of us. This is a more therapeutic way to get through the news, I can cry, talk to my hubby, and then we move forward together.
It is important to allow your friend time to take in the news and let you know when she is ready to move forward. For some, they may not be ready to move forward for months. As hard as that may be for you, just know that she will come around but it has to be on her time. There is a time and season for friends, and for the duration of your pregnancy she may not be emotionally available to be your best friend. If you two truly have a strong relationship, a small break will not ruin your relationship forever.
I often find that I pull back from my friends while they are pregnant, than once their child is born I am completely fine. For me, it is extremely hard to see women who are 7,8,9 months pregnant. This is something I haven't been able to achieve yet, and it is difficult to not become too envious. Therefore, I respect what I'm feeling and to try and not become some crazed envious friend and end up ruining our friendship; I just need to take a step back. Once, their child is born I am some what back to normal :) Who can be mad at a beautiful baby. They are such miracles, and the fact that God has brought them into this world is something to treasure and give Him thanks for!
I also don't advise having a friend of yours tell the news for you. There is something insincere about this. I would rather you tell me yourself. That way I can connect with you and really see and feel your consideration. It is much better for our future relationship for me to know that you understand that the news you told me is hard to hear, but that you care and don't want to upset me. When someone tells me with this huge smile on their face in front of a huge group of friends, and I am the only one that doesn't know; it feels like a stab to the heart. I can't help but feel that you don't care about my feelings at all. I know you are excited about your news, and honestly i'm happy for you too. Just don't count on me to jump up and down and scream with joy.
I said it before, but its true- we just need TIME. Time to process, and time to move forward. I encourage anyone who is struggling with this to just take a moment and consider how your friend is going to feel. Maybe you shouldn't tell her at lunch in front of everyone, or while she is on vacation. Yes, I pulled those from my past experiences and both were tremendously hard. A personal message, phone call, or conversation may be way more appropriate. I hope this helps and doesn't scare anyone off from telling me when they are pregnant. I am just trying to be honest here. At least you now know how I would prefer to be told when you are pregnant! :)


  1. I too have been struggling with hearing others "happy news." It just feels like a kick to the gut, they have what I had and lost. I agree with each of the approaches you have listed and it's so comforting to hear that I am not the only one that is resolved to tears when I hear of others pregnancies. Hugs to you.

  2. Hi Shayla,

    I am reading and sharing your blog with family and friends. You are certainly brave to tell your private story. Getting through the holidays, I hope you are ready to embrace another New Year filled with untold promises and amazing possibilties!

    God Bless You, Aunt Mary Mitchell