A Tale of the New Year

As 2010 comes to an end, I can only think about the year ahead. Resolutions that get made and the feelings of failure when they don't get kept. Traditionally, you hear of people always making resolutions to lose weight, start working out, start eating healthier, get out of debt, etc. Ask anyone battling infertility and their resolutions are probably much different than the norm.

My new years resolutions are always pretty much the same. I remember for 2009 it was to get pregnant. For 2010 it was to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Needless to say, for 2011, I'm a little reluctant to make any sort of resolution, because I seem to always fail. I know, I don't technically have much control over the resolutions I make; but when you are battling infertility that is basically all you think about. I don't think about eating healthier, or getting in shape; my thoughts are consumed on holding my healthy child in my arms! Therefore, my resolutions are consumed with having a baby!

Every December I remember saying, next year is our year. I love starting out in January with a positive outlook that maybe this coming year will be it! I feel like I have a whole 12 months ahead of me to make something happen. I have the emotionally hard holidays behind me, and an open road ahead! I know God doesn't want me to give up on my dreams and desires.

In fact in Psalm 37:4 He promises us,

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

As long as I can stay positive and focus on scripture, I know 2011 will be a great year. I have to admit, the past few years have not been great in the baby making area. However, God has tremendously blessed me in other ways. I have an amazing husband that supports me and stands by my side through all of this. I know Ferrari will never waiver, he is always there to offer encouraging words or remind me of how God has us in the palm of His hand orchestrating our lives perfectly! I have a huge supportive family that stands behind Ferrari and I in every decision we have to make. They are there to offer us words of encouragement, and a shoulder to cry on. We couldn't ask for a better group of friends. Ours are always ready and willing to cheer us up and give us some laughs. We don't have any health problems, minus Ferrari's 12 month battle with valley fever. Come to think of it, hopefully this goes away soon! Ferrari has a great job and we have a beautiful home to provide us with a roof over our heads.

I know I have no room to complain, God has given me so much! If I am having a day where I start to feel bad for myself, I quickly remind myself of how many people have it worse. This quickly snaps me back to reality!

Instead of making new years resolutions, here are my hopes and dreams for the coming year:

1. Read my Bible every day!

2. Have a happy, healthy baby!

3. Spend less time watching TV!

4. Start my non profit!

5. Begin the process of writing a book.

Feel free to leave me a comment, and let me know about your hopes and dreams for 2011!

My Laundry Folding Epiphany

Random title I know, but honestly that is what just happened. I am upstairs folding Ferrari's wranglers when this hit me in the face totally out of left field. Which doesn't surprise me much because some of my greatest ideas have come to me when I least expect it. For instance, Hadilyn's name came to me in the middle of the night. I woke up, wrote it down in my iphone and informed Ferrari in the morning how I had named our unborn baby girl in the middle of the night, haha.

Anyway, that is all beside the point. I'm folding laundry thinking about my day and a specific conversation I had with a friend of mine; when I realized another piece of the puzzle as to why God allowed me to lose the twins when I did. For anyone who has lost a child, this is a constant thought process. I don't know if it's because we are humans or because we are women, but we have to know WHY! Give our pain a purpose, so to speak.

A few weeks ago, we went to visit a specialist. Before I am pregnant again we wanted to know as much as we could about what had happened the last time to hopefully prevent another loss in the future. My doctors have always told me I either lost the twins due to an incompetent cervix or an infection. An infection, you might ask? I know, I had never heard of it either. Basically, the way it was explained to me was a very small percentage of women actually develop an infection during pregnancy that puts the body into full blown labor. The body is trying everything it can to get rid of the infection, so it thinks it has to get these babies out as fast as possible. Well that would have been fine and dandy if I were 40 weeks along instead of 22 weeks 5 days. After the specialist asked what seemed to be a million questions, she gave us her opinion of the diagnosis. Drum roll, please.... she said I had BOTH! Can you believe it?!? I swear I have the longest laundry list of "rare conditions" out of anyone I know, but she 100% believes I have an incompetent cervix and had an infection.

At first I didn't quite know what to do with this information. On one hand I was so relieved to hear someone tell me exactly what had happened, but on the other I knew an incompetent cervix meant a tough road for every future pregnancy. As I thought about how I would have to have a cerclage to prevent another preterm loss, I began to get angry. I didn't understand why my doctors couldn't have known this? Why couldn't I have had the cerclage this last pregnancy, then I would be holding beautiful Arie & Hadie? It would have been so easy? I just wish I had gone in one week earlier, the ultrasound would have surely shown changes in my cervix! Now, the options for this train of thought are to either let this downward spiral continue out of control, or stop it dead in its tracks. Thankfully, I chose the latter or this could have been a long night with lots of crying and tantrum throwing, just kidding, sort of :)

I asked God to show me the positives, why did He have it happen this way? Once I got to thinking, I realized I am incredibly grateful. Had I had a cerclage in place I don't know if I would have started bleeding when I did. Which would have meant, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor & I might not have known for quite some time that I had an infection. Based on talking with the doctor who gave me my amniocentesis, an untreated infection would have killed me. That is why they wouldn't put the cerclage in while I was in the hospital, they had to high of suspicions at this point of an infection. I could have died, but God spared my life! He's obviously not finished with me yet!

This is exactly what I needed today! It is a great reminder for me of how everything God allows has meaning; His plan for our lives is greater than we can understand. This is just another piece of faith for me to carry in my pocket. I can choose to move forward by faith, expecting that, God willing, I will give birth to a beautiful healthy child someday, or I could store my faith in a box in the closet and live a life of fear. Fear the unexpected, fear for my next pregnancy, fear that what we are doing isn't right. I know from past experiences, that this is not the way to live. I must choose to pull my faith out and use it on those hard days. I pray more than ever that God will help me get through each day, through each doctor's appointment, through each decision. This is what He wants me to do! Just like your hubby's like to be needed, ladies, God wants you to need Him too! He wants me to rely on Him to get me through this!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Thought You Might Need a Laugh

This infertility business is very stressful and often depressing. I have found I tend to make a lot of jokes about it. If I weren't joking I'm sure I'd be crying. Anyway, I came across this video on another infertility blog and laughed so hard. I was asked these same questions while pregnant with my boy/girl twins! I know the holidays are hard on a lot of people, so I thought this could provide you with a good laugh if only for a few moments! Check it out!

An Early Gift

My sister decided to give me an early Christmas present this year. Once you see what it is, you will completely understand why she couldn't wait to give it to me! It is the most beautiful Christmas ornament I have ever seen!

Yes, those are my beautiful twins, Arie James & Hadilyn Faith! Just precious!

Here is the back!

My sister had it custom made by one of her friends. You can find more information on how to order one of these ornaments from the Paper Princess. This ornament is so beautiful, it will definitely be staying out all year! Now, I just need to find a cute stand for it to hang from.

Handing out Hope

I was reminded several times this weekend about how important it is to provide others with hope and comfort! I am so thankful for everyone that has surrounded Ferrari and I during our difficult times these past couple of years, and I have a desire to do the same for others. This is definitely the top reason for this blog. This is a great place for anyone to come get hope and encouragement anonymously.

Last week it was brought to my attention that some family members of mine were going to visit the hospital where I delivered, Banner Good Samaritan, and make a donation. Instantly, I knew I wanted to help. For those of you who don't already know, my friend and now cousin; (we actually married cousins, which kind of makes us cousins now too, right :) lost her baby girl Reese in September. We both delivered at the same hospital, therefore our family has a huge heart for providing hope to moms who will experience a similar loss at Good Sam. I only had a few days to put some stuff together, but I already knew what I wanted to donate. Once we knew the twins were coming and there was no stopping them, the hospital was kind enough to bring in some stuff for me to shop through. I was not prepared with outfits or blankets for Arie and Hadie, so they show me what other people had donated. I am so thankful to the women who sewn their tiny matching outfits! One of Ferrari's aunts had sewn matching receiving blankets for the twins, however; since my children were only 1 lb. each, the regular receiving blankets were enormous! We literally had to fold them into quarters to wrap them up. So, I was on a mission to make blanket sets that had matching blankets in two sizes. One blanket is the regular receiving blanket size, and the other is a small one about the quarter of the size of the regular one. This way moms who have have preemies have one that fits, and moms that have full term babies have one the right size. There is also a significance to providing each mom with two blankets. I was devastated when I realized the twins needed something to be buried in, but they only had one blanket and one outfit each. As a mom, I wanted to keep these items for memories. So, I decided to give each mom two matching blankets. They can keep one, and wrap their baby in the other! If you can't tell already, I have a huge passion for helping mom's that go through infant loss! I hope to start a non-profit soon that will provide moms with a box of necessities! I will definitely keep you posted on this!

Here are the 6 sets of blankets I was able to put together by Saturday. Each set also has a card with a few encouraging words and my blog address.

Here is a picture of all the stuff together that my family donated! There were blankets, onesies, stuffed animals, hair accessories, picture frames, lots of food to thank all of the doctors and nurses at the hospital and much more!

I hope our family can make this a tradition. A tradition of "Handing out Hope" together!

I was reminded of an awesome scripture yesterday at church!

"Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any troubles with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

To tell or Not to Tell

I had an amazing weekend! I had the opportunity of taking a mini trip to Cottonwood on Saturday! A group of about 15 women went to a retreat center up there and we all just spent the day with God. Let me just tell you, it was exactly what I needed! I will most likely post more about this trip later. Sorry this was just a little teaser :)

For now, I want to discuss a topic that has come up a lot lately. On more than one occasion I have been asked if it is better to tell or not to tell friends and family when you get that Big Fat Positive Pregnancy Test!

If you are struggling with this decision, realize it is different for everyone. What is right for me, may not be right for you. I have had some experience in this area, so I though I'd share what I have learned thus far.

First off, PRAY PRAY PRAY! Ask God when it is a good time to share your good news. I promise you He will give you an answer! With our first pregnancy, Ferrari and I didn't want to tell anyone! We thought it was too big of a risk to tell people and then have to go "untell" them if we miscarried. We waited until after we saw the heartbeat on the first ultrasound. Once a heartbeat is detected your risk of miscarriage goes down. Our immediate families knew at this point and right as we began letting more people in on our secret, we lost the baby. It was hard having to "untell" our family and friends, but they were all there for us! It was nice having their support for Ferrari and I as we went through our first huge loss together. With our second pregnancy not very many people knew, and it was hard for me to grieve. People would see me upset and have no idea what I was going through so I would have to explain how I was pregnant, but lost the baby. It may just be my personal preference, but I would just rather people understand why i'm emotional rather than having to explain it. Those close to me know, once I start talking about what happened I can be a weepy woman, and I hate crying in public!

Another plus is the more people that know, the more PRAYER warriors you have in your corner. You can definitely never have too many people praying! With our third pregnancy we decided to let the church know so they could be praying as well. This turned out to be a huge plus for us! Our pastor asked us every week how we were doing and if the babies were good, and we would tell him yup everything is going great! He began encouraging us to join a small group, and Ferrari and I were hesitant at first but we went anyways. This turned out to be one of the best decisions we made! We gained an entire small group family that was there for us just a few short weeks later once we lost the twins. We could not have had a better support system waiting to rally around us as we dealt with the hardest thing we had gone through!

Yes, I will probably still be hesitant to let everyone know the next time I'm pregnant, because I'm human. I will sit down and reread this post, because I know how I should think. I am well aware that satan will try and creep into my mind and make me worry, but God is very clear about worrying.

He says in Matthew 6:34 "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I will choose to have faith in God, because I know His plan for my life is perfect.

Remember, with this technologically savvy world today- you better believe with facebook, blogs, twitter, email, and text messaging your news, good or bad, will travel fast! However, be considerate. If a friend tells you she is pregnant and you tell others her good news please; be sure to "untell" whoever you have told if she ends up miscarrying. (I know that sounds like a bad tongue twister, but I tried to write it differently and it wasn't coming out right) It is really hard facing someone, you didn't even know knew you were pregnant. They tell you congratulations and you have to explain what had happened. It is extremely awkward for all parties involved.

Love these Lyrics!

I absolutely love country music! I'm a total country girl on the inside, I love my boots and line dancing. However, when Ferrari and I were first grieving the loss of the twins, we really turned to Christian music. We listened to the few songs we had and began downloading tons of songs that were filled with words of hope. I am so thankful for those who are blessed with music writing skills; and have written songs that are so real! Lyrics have a way of speaking to me that is unlike anything else. It is as if the writer has written the song just for me and my situation.

When other's words may have failed, I found music to be the answer. My hubby and I often didn't know what to say to each other, so we would just listen to music together. This song has particularly encouraged Ferrari and I. We played this song during Arie and Hadilyn's memorial service, in hopes of providing our friends and family with the same encouragement we received from the lyrics. This song is such a great reminder of how temporary this pain is, that this darkness will subside and morning will come! I just love these lyrics! Check them out!

Before the Morning

By Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

I have made an entire playlist of songs that give me hope on a daily basis, and I often just play through that playlist over and over. I can always turn to that playlist on days when I feel like Satan has got a grip on my thoughts. He often creeps in and causes me to think negatively about my situation, instead of allowing me to see the good God has blessed me with! If you are looking for encouragement today, please turn on some Christian music! God will speak to you!

Give the Grinch the Boot!

The holidays are very hard emotionally for me. Last Christmas I should have had a 3 month old or been pregnant, and this Christmas I should be holding my twins; but similar to a lot of things in life that plan has changed. My sister and I had already made plans of taking photos of our four children together. We talked about the photos for next Easter, how cute it wold be with all four kids in matching outfits and little bunnies or chicks at their feet. One of the hardest things when you miscarry a pregnancy or lose an infant is having to literally forget about all the plans you have made. When Easter comes this year, I know I will think about that photo that I should be taking.

During my last pregnancy, I tried to not make future mental plans at all. I didn't want anyone to talk about how old my twins would be at Christmas, and what a fun Holiday season it would be. I remained emotionally unattached to my unborn children until I knew their sexes. At that point in time (18 weeks) I thought it would be safe. I made it past all of the major mile stones I had heard about for miscarrying. I began buying them matching clothes and talking about what an amazing Christmas this would be! At times I really regret making mental plans, because it makes the future months that much more difficult, but reality is I will make mental plans again with my next pregnancy. I can't live in fear and never think about the future because of what might go wrong. God does not want us living like that. He wants us to trust Him and live accordingly!

For the past month, I have been dreading the Christmas season. I have not wanted to decorate at all; and if you know anything about me or the family I come from, the women go crazy with decorating for the holidays!! I believe my mother put up 7 trees one year :) Lately, if people brought up parties or family get togethers I wanted nothing more than to think about this coming spring; because at this point the entire Christmas season would be over!

However, at Church on Sunday I was convicted. I realized I had to give the Grinch inside of me the boot. I realized the Grinch was actually Satan stealing the real meaning of Christmas from me. He had me so consumed with what I don't have, I couldn't focus on the good things in my life. I know there will be a Christmas season, when Ferrari and I are holding our first child, and we will be overjoyed! For now, we have each other, our health, a beautiful home and amazing families supporting us!

So, this weekend I started decorating, I bought EggNog, and baked a pumpkin pie! I have a tree up and my Christmas Village will be my next project. Yes, this next month or so is still going to tough but I will have to lean on Christ even more. I know He has great things in store for those who love Him! I would be a fool to think God doesn't keep a good word on His promises! If this Christmas season is going to be particularly hard for you, please focus on the good! Lean on Christ and your family and friends to help you get through, and if you have children be mindful around others who have lost children. This is a particularly hard season for them, and they might not enjoy watching your children open up gifts from Santa for hours. It may be too painful. Ferrari and I have discussed not taking part in that specific part of the festivities this year. It is not wrong to remove yourself from a situation that is too painful! Your friends and family will surely understand!

Lots of love to you all, and I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!

A Tale of Courage

Today, I'm making my blog public. This may not seem like a huge deal to some of you, however it will take a ton of courage for me to do this. As many of my friends and family know, Ferrari & I are pretty private people. We don't have facebook and never expected to be bloggers. However, God has been tugging at my heart so hard lately, I can no longer ignore it. I know God wants to take the hardest and most tragic things we have gone through as a couple; and make them useful. You know when there are those things you keep saying you will get to at some point in your life, maybe tomorrow, or next week! Well that is how I've been feeling about this blogging business. All I needed was one more day or one more week to get up the courage to do it, well that is no more! God has made it very clear to me, that I need to reach out and provide support and encouragement for women who are struggling with infertility, infant loss, or grief in general. This past week alone I have been told about 2 women who have lost babies. My heart breaks every time I hear about another family having to go through this terrible struggle. My heart hurts even more when I think about the lack of resources available to these women. Trust me, they don't give you a "how to" manual on dealing with this at the hospital. No one tells you about when your milk comes in and you have no baby in your arms to ease the pain. No one tells you how to plan an infants funeral, or what to say at the grave site ceremony. As hard as it is for me to remember going through all of this in May, my heart rejoices when I think about how I can provide some answers or support for someone that is going through this today. We need each other! I have a group of Bible study girls, we refer to ourselves from time to time as the broken hearted babes :) - these women are such an amazing support system for me. There is something incredible about getting together with women who have endured similar hardships, we thrive on the opportunity to encourage each other! I know not everyone feels comfortable seeking out a grief Bible study, and that is pretty much how this blog came to be. If people can come to this blog to seek hope, then I am thrilled! I'm hoping one day to write a book to give mom's hope and encouragement, but for now I know God will use this blog to touch people's lives. Please leave me comments or email me! I would love to chat!

A Tale of Postal Frustration

Frustration is a common feeling I have had for the past couple of years, frustrated with my body for not working the way I want it to, frustrated with family and friends for having baby after baby when I can't seem to get one, and frustration with doctors for not being able to "fix" me. I spoke with a friend a few weeks ago about my frustration with getting the mail. She challenged me to make my frustration into a positive thing.

I know this may sound silly, but let me explain. While pregnant with the twins I was told to get everything done in my second trimester because the third trimester would be a lost cause. Therefore, I went and registered for my baby shower. I had so much fun picking out everything, and it was quite a task picking out stuff that worked well for a little boy and a little girl. However, when the twins came too early and went home to be with their Heavenly Father- who is, I might add, doing an amazing job watching over all of my little ones for me; I never thought that registry would cause me so much frustration!

My sister was pretty much amazing! She knew I would have a hard time calling the stores I registered at and explaining what had happened, so she did it for me. I am forever grateful for those phone calls she made. She even got the custom rockers I ordered from BuyBuyBaby returned without me having to pay a dime. (Props to BuyBuyBaby for being so understanding!)

However, beginning a few weeks after delivery things came in the mail that I wasn't prepared for. Yes, I expected those blasted medical bills to start rolling in; but it was other envelopes that would have me in tears. No one prepares you for the mail your are about to receive!

I can vividly remember the pit in my stomach when I opened the mailbox and found their social security cards, death certificates, pictures of the twins the hospital took, baby coupons, and BABY FORMULA. This one was especially painful, because this one comes in the great big mailbox you need a special key to open. Now, in the past, I would get so excited when I saw that shiny key in my mailbox, because it meant I got a package! However, now I have to take a deep breath before I open it, because I know what is inside awaiting me- Baby Formula! They must have handed my address out to every baby company in town! You know those annoying sales calls you get and you wonder how you got on their list, this is exactly like that only this is some crazy "mommy to be" list! Yes, the first time this occurred there may have been a few tears shed, but now it has happened so many times I seem to handle it better. Plus, I try to do something good for somebody else once I get it in the mail. I never take it outback and shoot at it for target practice (which has crossed my mind a few times) I give it to a friend who is in need of formula, one of the positives to having so many friends and family members with infants. Today, I am going to make a promise to myself. Instead of getting FRUSTRATED when I open my mailbox and find baby related items, I am going to pray for moms who have lost children. I will pray specifically for the moms who will be going to their mailboxes and getting "baby stuff" for the first time. I would love to make my frustration into something that will make Satan squirm!!

Frustration is such a common feeling, we all deal with it daily. Try driving on the I-10 at 5:30 pm and you will learn road rage frustration really quick. Today, I challenge you to take your frustration and find a way to make it positive!

God's timing, not mine!

I don't know about you, but I have always been that kind of person that has to plan out everything. If I wanted to be spontaneous, I would have to actually plan it into my week! Well, a huge lesson I have learned in the past few months is just how bad I needed to let go of the plan I had for my life. Now, I am not suggesting dropping all hopes, dreams, and aspirations I have. Rather, acknowledging, that my timeline is not perfect. God, in fact, has a much better plan for my life. One that may include more hard times and struggles, but I can rest assured in the fact that He does not set anyone up for failure. He equips us with the tools we need for what may come our way in the future.

If Ferrari and I had never endured our first two miscarriages together, we would have reacted much differently when we lost the twins. God prepared our hearts and minds through those first two losses. He equipped us with a stronger faith in Him and a much stronger relationship as husband and wife before he led us into the most difficult season yet, burying our children. I will admit I never would have thought we could have done what we did. If you would have told me when I got married that I would lose 4 children, and have to bury 2 I would never believed you. I didn't think it was possible for me to have the strength to get through something like that. However, God is funny that way. He knows exactly what you need, when you need it. If you pray for patience, watch out because He will give you more opportunities than you could ever dream of in which you will have to display patience. If you pray for wisdom, heads up! God will give you more situations than you could imagine to display your discernment. As Christians, we want to grow. We strive to be better than the day before. I clearly remember attending a high school friend's funeral. He had gone to Mexico on spring break. upon his return he was diagnosed with Meningitis and passed a few short days later. Sitting at a friend's funeral when I was 20, I couldn't help but think about what an amazing life my friend had led. He was such a Godly man at such a young age. His memorial service was beautiful. I left thinking to myself, I want to leave a legacy too. I want people to remember me for not just good things, but great things! I prayed that day for God to stretch me and grow me. I asked to be used in other people's lives. God has given me situations already to help those who are hurting around me. I have had the opportunity to accompany an amazing friend of mine go through virtually the same thing with her baby girl, at the same hospital I had delivered the twins, just a mere 4 months prior. God's timing is impeccable, if I had not lost the twins when I did, I would not have been there to help my friend walk through her loss.

If you are holding on tightly to your own plan and timing, I encourage you to let go. Trust in the Lord! It's a great feeling! You will be amazed at how much God will stretch you and use you!

A Tale of Infertility

Ferrari & I have endured what feels like the hardest couple of years in our lives. Everyone tells you the first year of marriage is wedded bliss. This may be true to all the couples who don't proceed with trying to get pregnant right off the bat. To us, it has felt like one loss or road block after another. I want our story to help other couples who may be experiencing a difficult season in their life. I am here to tell you that I am blessed beyond measure. God is good, and that statement must never be forgotten. It is easier to loathe in self pity than to buck up and appreciate what God has given you instead of what He hasn't.

We went to the doctor after trying to conceive for 6 months with no luck. After a few blood tests and ultrasounds I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) Now, we were told this is not the end of the road for us, it would just be more challenging to conceive. We got pregnant on our first round of clomid with out first child in December of 2008. Unfortunately, I went in for a routine doc app around 12 weeks and had learned that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Doctors could not explain why this happened, and just encouraged us to try again when we were ready. About 5 months later on our 2nd round of clomid, we conceived our 2nd child; only to miscarry this pregnancy as well just a mere 2 weeks later. Ferrari & I were pretty discouraged. We didn't understand why God would allow us to lose one child, and now he had allowed us to lose 2. We did some extra tests and learned that I have a heart shaped uterus as well. This means I have a higher chance of early miscarriage, not exactly what we wanted to hear knowing those with PCOS already have a higher chance of miscarriage. When we were ready we took a couple more rounds of clomid and low and behold got pregnant for a 3rd time. At our first doctor's appointment we discovered we were not pregnant with just one miracle, but 2! We could not have been more shocked and excited! We were given a due date of September 23, 2010. This pregnancy was especially hard on my body. The extra hormones made me incredibly sick until about week 18. We learned we were having a little boy & a little girl at our next ultrasound. We were told everything looked perfect! However, a mere 4 weeks later I went into full blown labor without warning. We ended up checking in to the hospital on Saturday May 22, and I was only 22 weeks. For two days the doctors tried everything they could to keep my body from having the twins, but they were born Monday, May 24, 2010. Arie James and Hadilyn Faith were perfect. Their little hands and feet were just a fraction of the size of a full term baby, and they were absolutely gorgeous. Arie James was stillborn and Hadilyn Faith lived for a few short minutes. They were welcomed with open arms by their brother & sister in heaven. The doctors can only guess why this happened, but from what I am told it was either an infection or an incompetent cervix. The latter option means I will have problems with an incompetent cervix every time I am pregnant. Therefore, it is important not to conceive twins again because of the added weight and stress on my body. Without clomid we have never conceived a child, but with clomid I have an increased chance of getting pregnant with twins. Therefore, we are stuck in an unfortunate situation. Over these past two years there have been multiple situations in which I had to completely rely on God to get me through; but it is now, more than ever, that Ferrari and I must rely solely on faith! Yes, we have experienced a lot of loss, but I can honestly say I am so excited for the future. God promises us that our better days are still to come, and that statement is definitely one my hubby and I live by! We may never raise children of our own, but we have one beautiful family waiting for us in Heaven and we get to spend eternity with them. If you are going through a hard season in your life I just want to encourage you to push through. God is waiting for you to ask Him for His help. He wants to carry you during times when you think you can’t go on, and walk beside you as you regain your strength. I am here, in the very same season of life, one that is full of loss and pain. I am convinced God put us on this earth to support one another. This is when I would like to belt out "Lean on me, when you're not strong. I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on"... but I am quickly reminded this is a blog and you can't hear me even if you wanted to :)

We all start somewhere...

I don't really know what has taken over me, but I have decided to start writing down my thoughts. I don't really know at this point if I intend for any of this to be read by anyone other than myself, but let's see where this goes.

This past week I realized I have a new goal in life. I never thought the following words would ever come out of my mouth, but I have decided I want to write a book. The topic of the book is still a work in progress, and if that statement alone is any indicator of how long this process is going to take; I am in trouble! However, the long difficult journey is not going to stop me from pursuing this goal.

This past Thursday, September 23 2010, was quite an emotional day for me. I won't get into everything right at the moment, but I have a feeling this is what sparked this entire blogging breakdown. I am referring to it as a breakdown because my sister has begged me to start a blog for what seems like 2 years now and I have been kicking and screaming for every minute of it, swearing I would never start one. I never thought I had anything of significance to write about. However, if my life could potentially help someone, than I am jumping on the bandwagon, or should I say Wegen :) Yes, I just made a really bad joke about my last name; if I made you smile, even just a little, than I accomplished my goal! My plan is to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. The good times and the hard times, because everything I go through has meaning. Everything I go through is forming my life into what God intends for me. I have surrendered my plan for my life, and am sitting back and relaxing while I officially let God take over the driver's seat! I mentioned my sister earlier, well she is two years older than me. In true sibling vs. sibling lifestyle, that meant my sister had complete and utter control over me from the day I was born. Including the days we played out in the front yard. Remember those old metal red flyer wagons. Well, I had to take a seat and go for a ride whenever she wanted me to. She would grab the handle and take me wherever I didn't want to go; until one day she flipped the wagon on its side and split my head open, but that's beside the point. My point is, God, I am officially giving you the handle to my red flyer wagon. Lead me where you want me to go, just try not to take the turns too quickly :)