Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Laundry Folding Epiphany

Random title I know, but honestly that is what just happened. I am upstairs folding Ferrari's wranglers when this hit me in the face totally out of left field. Which doesn't surprise me much because some of my greatest ideas have come to me when I least expect it. For instance, Hadilyn's name came to me in the middle of the night. I woke up, wrote it down in my iphone and informed Ferrari in the morning how I had named our unborn baby girl in the middle of the night, haha.
Anyway, that is all beside the point. I'm folding laundry thinking about my day and a specific conversation I had with a friend of mine; when I realized another piece of the puzzle as to why God allowed me to lose the twins when I did. For anyone who has lost a child, this is a constant thought process. I don't know if it's because we are humans or because we are women, but we have to know WHY! Give our pain a purpose, so to speak.
A few weeks ago, we went to visit a specialist. Before I am pregnant again we wanted to know as much as we could about what had happened the last time to hopefully prevent another loss in the future. My doctors have always told me I either lost the twins due to an incompetent cervix or an infection. An infection, you might ask? I know, I had never heard of it either. Basically, the way it was explained to me was a very small percentage of women actually develop an infection during pregnancy that puts the body into full blown labor. The body is trying everything it can to get rid of the infection, so it thinks it has to get these babies out as fast as possible. Well that would have been fine and dandy if I were 40 weeks along instead of 22 weeks 5 days. After the specialist asked what seemed to be a million questions, she gave us her opinion of the diagnosis. Drum roll, please.... she said I had BOTH! Can you believe it?!? I swear I have the longest laundry list of "rare conditions" out of anyone I know, but she 100% believes I have an incompetent cervix and had an infection.
At first I didn't quite know what to do with this information. On one hand I was so relieved to hear someone tell me exactly what had happened, but on the other I knew an incompetent cervix meant a tough road for every future pregnancy. As I thought about how I would have to have a cerclage to prevent another preterm loss, I began to get angry. I didn't understand why my doctors couldn't have known this? Why couldn't I have had the cerclage this last pregnancy, then I would be holding beautiful Arie & Hadie? It would have been so easy? I just wish I had gone in one week earlier, the ultrasound would have surely shown changes in my cervix! Now, the options for this train of thought are to either let this downward spiral continue out of control, or stop it dead in its tracks. Thankfully, I chose the latter or this could have been a long night with lots of crying and tantrum throwing, just kidding, sort of :)
I asked God to show me the positives, why did He have it happen this way? Once I got to thinking, I realized I am incredibly grateful. Had I had a cerclage in place I don't know if I would have started bleeding when I did. Which would have meant, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor & I might not have known for quite some time that I had an infection. Based on talking with the doctor who gave me my amniocentesis, an untreated infection would have killed me. That is why they wouldn't put the cerclage in while I was in the hospital, they had to high of suspicions at this point of an infection. I could have died, but God spared my life! He's obviously not finished with me yet!
This is exactly what I needed today! It is a great reminder for me of how everything God allows has meaning; His plan for our lives is greater than we can understand. This is just another piece of faith for me to carry in my pocket. I can choose to move forward by faith, expecting that, God willing, I will give birth to a beautiful healthy child someday, or I could store my faith in a box in the closet and live a life of fear. Fear the unexpected, fear for my next pregnancy, fear that what we are doing isn't right. I know from past experiences, that this is not the way to live. I must choose to pull my faith out and use it on those hard days. I pray more than ever that God will help me get through each day, through each doctor's appointment, through each decision. This is what He wants me to do! Just like your hubby's like to be needed, ladies, God wants you to need Him too! He wants me to rely on Him to get me through this!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

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