A Tale of Infertility

Ferrari & I have endured what feels like the hardest couple of years in our lives. Everyone tells you the first year of marriage is wedded bliss. This may be true to all the couples who don't proceed with trying to get pregnant right off the bat. To us, it has felt like one loss or road block after another. I want our story to help other couples who may be experiencing a difficult season in their life. I am here to tell you that I am blessed beyond measure. God is good, and that statement must never be forgotten. It is easier to loathe in self pity than to buck up and appreciate what God has given you instead of what He hasn't.

We went to the doctor after trying to conceive for 6 months with no luck. After a few blood tests and ultrasounds I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) Now, we were told this is not the end of the road for us, it would just be more challenging to conceive. We got pregnant on our first round of clomid with out first child in December of 2008. Unfortunately, I went in for a routine doc app around 12 weeks and had learned that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Doctors could not explain why this happened, and just encouraged us to try again when we were ready. About 5 months later on our 2nd round of clomid, we conceived our 2nd child; only to miscarry this pregnancy as well just a mere 2 weeks later. Ferrari & I were pretty discouraged. We didn't understand why God would allow us to lose one child, and now he had allowed us to lose 2. We did some extra tests and learned that I have a heart shaped uterus as well. This means I have a higher chance of early miscarriage, not exactly what we wanted to hear knowing those with PCOS already have a higher chance of miscarriage. When we were ready we took a couple more rounds of clomid and low and behold got pregnant for a 3rd time. At our first doctor's appointment we discovered we were not pregnant with just one miracle, but 2! We could not have been more shocked and excited! We were given a due date of September 23, 2010. This pregnancy was especially hard on my body. The extra hormones made me incredibly sick until about week 18. We learned we were having a little boy & a little girl at our next ultrasound. We were told everything looked perfect! However, a mere 4 weeks later I went into full blown labor without warning. We ended up checking in to the hospital on Saturday May 22, and I was only 22 weeks. For two days the doctors tried everything they could to keep my body from having the twins, but they were born Monday, May 24, 2010. Arie James and Hadilyn Faith were perfect. Their little hands and feet were just a fraction of the size of a full term baby, and they were absolutely gorgeous. Arie James was stillborn and Hadilyn Faith lived for a few short minutes. They were welcomed with open arms by their brother & sister in heaven. The doctors can only guess why this happened, but from what I am told it was either an infection or an incompetent cervix. The latter option means I will have problems with an incompetent cervix every time I am pregnant. Therefore, it is important not to conceive twins again because of the added weight and stress on my body. Without clomid we have never conceived a child, but with clomid I have an increased chance of getting pregnant with twins. Therefore, we are stuck in an unfortunate situation. Over these past two years there have been multiple situations in which I had to completely rely on God to get me through; but it is now, more than ever, that Ferrari and I must rely solely on faith! Yes, we have experienced a lot of loss, but I can honestly say I am so excited for the future. God promises us that our better days are still to come, and that statement is definitely one my hubby and I live by! We may never raise children of our own, but we have one beautiful family waiting for us in Heaven and we get to spend eternity with them. If you are going through a hard season in your life I just want to encourage you to push through. God is waiting for you to ask Him for His help. He wants to carry you during times when you think you can’t go on, and walk beside you as you regain your strength. I am here, in the very same season of life, one that is full of loss and pain. I am convinced God put us on this earth to support one another. This is when I would like to belt out "Lean on me, when you're not strong. I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on"... but I am quickly reminded this is a blog and you can't hear me even if you wanted to :)