Everyday I have people ask me how I am doing. I always have to take a moment and think about if this person wants me to honestly answer the question, or just give them a polite, "I'm good." If I was going to answer their question honestly I would have to say something like this, "I'm fine, considering. Today was better than the last but I know this may change at any time and tomorrow I could take 5 steps back in the grief process." I struggle with how much to say, what not to say, what would be too much information for some people, and who I want knowing what about me.
On the other hand, I feel more real with my friends and family when I tell them the truth. I feel like they understand me better, and when I am hanging out with them they get why I am acting the way I am. For example, this past weekend was extremely hard. There was so many painful experiences wrapped up into one weekend I thought I might explode. I took a minute to reflect on similar situations after previous losses, and realized I had to undergo similar amounts of painful experiences very quickly after a loss and I always seemed to make it through. I seem to miscarry right before family & friends give birth to healthy babies. I always make it through their births, and as hard as it is celebrating a brand new baby, the point is God carries me. These past situations gave me a glimmer of hope when I thought about trying to get through this past weekend. Regardless, I was an emotional wreck. I celebrated my niece's first birthday, watched what seemed like 50 families dedicate their healthy children to the Lord at church, and followed this up with my nephew's first birthday party. I told my family before hand this would be a tough weekend, and this helped things not feel so awkward.
I didn't really show my pain through tears this weekend, I noticed more anger and bitterness. I snapped at Ferrari a couple times, and hated myself after for doing it. All I could focus on this weekend was wanting off this dumb merry-go-round. I am so tired of going 'round and 'round feeling disappointed and like a failure, when is it going to stop? I don't have the answer to that question and boy is it frustrating.
The hardest thing is living each day not knowing when my moment will come. I have to solely rely on God's timing. He knows the very second my dream will come true, and I hold tight to the feeling of complete elation when it happens. For now, I am trying to live my life with a purpose that is not fixated on feeling completed when I am blessed with a child. I have no idea how long that will take, and I am pretty sure God does not want me sitting on my hands until it happens. If I could take this time in between and use it for good, I will regain purpose for the pain I have felt. I am getting closer to my charity/non-profit everyday. I am blessed God has provided me with people to help me get it up and running. I will post more about it soon, hopefully!