Get Me off This Ride

Ever been on a merry-go-round one too many times in a row? Well, that is the best analogy for what my life has felt like for the past 3 years. I continually go up and down, finding out we are pregnant & losing the baby/babies, while simultaneously going 'round & 'round on this nauseating monotonous path of infertility. This may be a lame attempt at an analogy, but this is the best way I can describe what I am going through. Every time we have a high, and allow ourselves to get excited for our pregnancy, we come back down as we grieve through another loss. The path we have been on seems eerily similar to the same path we have traveled year after year. Some may know, and others may not have noticed but for some reason I always end up getting pregnant the same time every year. I always ask for a baby for Christmas, and remarkably I end up pregnant. We receive our due dates, which have happened to include the following: September 13th, September 23rd, and our latest September 4th. Ferrari's birthday is February 13, which ends up being towards the end of our first trimester. Twice now we have had to celebrate with heart filled with pain, due to miscarriage. After this loss, all I could scream was for someone to get me off this terrible ride.

Everyday I have people ask me how I am doing. I always have to take a moment and think about if this person wants me to honestly answer the question, or just give them a polite, "I'm good." If I was going to answer their question honestly I would have to say something like this, "I'm fine, considering. Today was better than the last but I know this may change at any time and tomorrow I could take 5 steps back in the grief process." I struggle with how much to say, what not to say, what would be too much information for some people, and who I want knowing what about me.

On the other hand, I feel more real with my friends and family when I tell them the truth. I feel like they understand me better, and when I am hanging out with them they get why I am acting the way I am. For example, this past weekend was extremely hard. There was so many painful experiences wrapped up into one weekend I thought I might explode. I took a minute to reflect on similar situations after previous losses, and realized I had to undergo similar amounts of painful experiences very quickly after a loss and I always seemed to make it through. I seem to miscarry right before family & friends give birth to healthy babies. I always make it through their births, and as hard as it is celebrating a brand new baby, the point is God carries me. These past situations gave me a glimmer of hope when I thought about trying to get through this past weekend. Regardless, I was an emotional wreck. I celebrated my niece's first birthday, watched what seemed like 50 families dedicate their healthy children to the Lord at church, and followed this up with my nephew's first birthday party. I told my family before hand this would be a tough weekend, and this helped things not feel so awkward.

I didn't really show my pain through tears this weekend, I noticed more anger and bitterness. I snapped at Ferrari a couple times, and hated myself after for doing it. All I could focus on this weekend was wanting off this dumb merry-go-round. I am so tired of going 'round and 'round feeling disappointed and like a failure, when is it going to stop? I don't have the answer to that question and boy is it frustrating.

The hardest thing is living each day not knowing when my moment will come. I have to solely rely on God's timing. He knows the very second my dream will come true, and I hold tight to the feeling of complete elation when it happens. For now, I am trying to live my life with a purpose that is not fixated on feeling completed when I am blessed with a child. I have no idea how long that will take, and I am pretty sure God does not want me sitting on my hands until it happens. If I could take this time in between and use it for good, I will regain purpose for the pain I have felt. I am getting closer to my charity/non-profit everyday. I am blessed God has provided me with people to help me get it up and running. I will post more about it soon, hopefully!