Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Hope for the Holidays

     I am not quite sure how, but here I find that it's November AGAIN.  Seriously, where does the time go?  The goals and expectations I had for my infertility this year definitely didn't turn out the way I had HOPED, and yet some how I find myself beyond blessed in SO many other areas!  However, I do have some hopes for these upcoming holidays that I would like to share with you.
     It's no secret that the holiday season is especially hard on me and Ferrari, and probably for just about every other couple struggling with infertility or baby loss.  The hopes and dreams we have had for our children, the holiday cards we had planned to take, the special traditions I so desperately want them to be a part of; and that's just it, they remain hopes and dreams for some future holiday season.  My children are, instead, spending the holidays in heaven with a few of their cousins and LOTS of friends.  I am glad they have each other to share their holiday season with, but I am in a selfish mood and I wish they were spending it with me this year- just once!
     Naturally, Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays that are really focused on the family.  Especially, when your extended family is HUGE and everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby, or has so many kids they are "done."  Nothing can bring me down faster than a room full of children dressed in their holiday best, because I want that SO SO SO bad.  I know this is God working on my heart to be content with what I DO have, but it still just plain hurts.  In the past, we have always showed up and tried our best to be happy and enjoy the time with our family, but I will be honest it is exhaustingly difficult.
     I am not writing this post to make my family and friends feel bad during the holiday season, and if I am offending you right now please know that is not my intention!!  I am writing it to ask you to just be a little more patient with me this year.  I apologize if I don't show up to your Christmas event, and I apologize if I am cranky.  It's that little bit of the Grinch attitude, I tried to kick out of my system last year, that creeps back in.  One of these years I will have this figured out, and I will possibly have to lend some extra patience to someone else, but the most important thing is to just be supportive.  Whether someone in your family is going through something like us, or maybe this is their first Christmas season without a friend or loved one.  The holidays are hard on a lot of people, and they usually suffer in silence. We never know everything someone is going through, so MY HOPE IS..... we can all be extra sensitive, because it can never hurt!
     Every December since Ferrari and I got married we have gotten pregnant, and every year we were given a due date in September but never made it.  That is 3 out of our 4 pregnancies!  Which is odd, and either coincidental or God has some thing interesting He will fill us in on later.  However, right now, I just can't take another pregnancy that follows the same path again.
     So, we are focusing on each other during these next couple months and Owl Love You Forever.

We have a huge event in the works for the evening of December 11!  
I can't wait to fill you all in, but for now, mark it on your calendar because you WILL want to be there!  


  1. I want you to know, I am so proud of you. Thank you for sharing your feelings, you are helping so so many people. I am so in awe of your Faith and your strength, God is good!!! Love Mom

  2. Thanks Mom! I love you! God is SO good!!

  3. I can relate. We have had 8 miscarriages in 6 years and every holiday is hard for us. We did adopt our amazing daughter in 2009 which has brightened the holiday season for us but the pain of losing those babies is still there. Sending hugs your way and I am so glad you expressed your feelings. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and be sensitive to your own feelings.

  4. Know that there are many people who know how you feel, especially around the holidays. God gives peace and comfort and He will provide during this season yet again. ♥

  5. Shayla,
    I have hardly blogged or looked at blogs these past few months and I just happened to look at yours tonight. Brandon and I were driving home from Thanksgiving at our parents and he said, "Are you okay, you just seem a little different today." I know it is because I am feeling the loss of Landon more around the holidays. Of course, it's always there but it's at these times as I know you can relate that the pain hurts a little more. This year we were suppose to have a beautiful son with us for the first time on the Holidays and we don't. Thank you for writing this post, while it is painful, it does help keep us connected with what's really going on and how different situations/times of year can cause that pain to be a little more apparent. I understand your pain and will continue to pray for you and Arie and God's plan for your life. You are doing such a wonderful thing with Owl Love you Forever and truly are an inspiration to me on keeping a good attitude and trusting God's plan for our life. Love you both!

  6. Hey Shay,
    Here's my first comment on your blog!

  7. Shayla,

    It was so nice to meet you in person after following your blog. What you are doing with these boxes matters, so very much, to so many moms and dads. I hope you know that and understand what each and every box gives to a grieving family. You'll probably never know the impact you've really had til we see our sweet babies in Heaven someday!

    We love your boxes at PCH and as a mommy to two children here and three in Heaven, I appreciate so much your willingness to let the Lord use your broken heart to help comfort other mommies when theirs is broken too.

    Thank you!