Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Is Infertility Contagious?

I can't help but feel at times that people think my infertility is contagious.  I know right off the bat this may sound ridiculous to you, but this blog is a place for me to try and help other's understand me (or someone else struggling with infertility/infant loss) better so I will try and explain it.

The harder our life seems to get, the more friends I feel i've lost.  I truly feel like some people want to stay as far away from me as possible, as if they can catch what I have.  Now, granted, so many of my friends and family are also dealing with infertility or the loss of an infant.  It's scary to think that this many families, these days, are dealing with such heartache and trials.  However, I have never read a single piece of research on how you can catch infertility from one another.  So, we need to surround and comfort each other, not distance ourselves out of fear or lack of knowledge in the subject matter.

News Flash: Infertility is NOT contagious!
As soon as I hear infertility and/or multiple miscarriages and/or the loss of an infant
 is contagious I'll stay at home in a bubble until a vaccine is invented! 
My promise to you!

After we have endured tougher and tougher things like losing the twins, I often feel like my friends don't feel equipped enough to support us anymore so they keep a good distance away.  No one quite knows if they should encourage us to try again, like they have in the past, or suggest adoption or surrogacy.  Everyone wants us to be happy, but unfortunately no one knows what advice will get us there.  So, as a result, I get shut out.

I often blame myself.  I must be a drag to be with and come with too much baggage.  No one, wants to be depressed therefore; steer clear of the girl whose life is depressing.  This may sound like i'm exaggerating, but i'm not.  I'm really trying to convey how I feel at times, which is often lonely.  I know a lot of my friends don't know what I am going through, but here's the best thing, you aren't required to!  I don't need advice on moving forward with infertility treatments or adoption or surrogacy, I just need you to be my friend just like before.  I have doctors and specialists to discuss my options with, and Ferrari and I research and pray about all of our decisions for the future.  I am not trying to sound harsh, I'm just trying to give you the green light to be normal again.  A pedicure? Why, that sounds so relaxing! A lunch date?  I would love to!  Shopping? Yes Please!  I need some days where I can relax, have fun, and just hang out.  Trust me, I long for the days when things don't have to be so deep.  Dealing with my doctor's appointments, tests, and decisions is exhausting!  The best prescription I could give myself is some good old fashion girl time :)  Let's be real, Ferrari is the most amazing husband, but he kind of stinks in this department!  He can't stand shopping; which retail therapy happens to be proven very effective in my book :)

On the flip side, there are times when I just might need you to sit and listen and nod occasionally :) So, if you don't know what to say, relax, you don't have to say anything at all.  I am really good at bringing the topic of infertility/ loss up myself and just leaning on you as a listening ear.  You don't have to solve the problem but just do the routine, smile and nod, or offer a hug :)  When I'm not in the mood to discuss it, I won't bring it up.  I have found it easier to leave this ball in my court.  Then you never upset me by catching me off guard.  (You seriously wouldn't believe some of the places people deem it necessary to walk up to me and point blank ask me how "emotionally" i'm doing, dealing with everything i've been through)

I hope these suggestions help and don't make you feel like i'm always telling you what to do/not to do.  I just feel these are unchartered waters for most, so these few suggestions can help keep feelings from being hurt in the future.  I want to give you the tools to be around girls struggling with this stuff, instead of just staying far away.


  1. Perfectly stated :) What an encouragement, but also so truthful and honest. Normalcy...that would be nice to understand and get back to! Looking forward to Monday :) Thanks for this describes all of these feelings so perfectly!

  2. Your wisdom here runs well beyond infertility. We could all use a dose of this common sense whenever we're in the company of family or friends who've undergone, or are enduring difficult times or illness or losses. God only knows, those things touch all of us at one time (or many), or other.


  3. You said that beautifully!!! Love you

  4. I couldn't have said it better myself, Shayla. Having had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn daughter, I DEFINITELY understand EXACTLY where you're coming from. So glad to know that I'm not the only one who sometimes gets the feeling that she missed the memo that she is now a social pariah...

  5. Just reading and re-reading some favorites. And you can contact me anytime, dear friend. You know I know how you feel and how true this post rings. Sadly, even for my friends who HAVE struggled with pregnancy and/or stillbirth. You'd think they'd know how to show compassion a friendship, but sometimes, even they don't...