So here we go!
This past weekend was a huge weekend for me. My brother-in-law got married to the love of his life on Friday night. Due to the fact that his bride is from England, she was waiting across the pond until her VISA came through which happened to come in at the last moment possible. So, you are looking at the fill in wedding planner for her. She told me all her ideas via skype and email, and I made them happen. Needless to say, come Saturday morning I was ready for a vacation.
I didn't get the relaxation trip I thought I needed (you know the one to the 5 star spa complete with massage and facial), but instead spent the entire day with a bus full of 40 women who have all lost children. We drove up to a remote retreat center, to spend the day with God and each other. I told a few people about the retreat I was going on, and I have to be honest most people thought I was crazy. They didn't get why I would want to spend my day with a whole bunch of heartbroken women.
Well, let me tell you a little something about women who have lost children. We like to be together, we like to support each other, and we like to comfort one another. We all speak the same language, and we all understand the pain and heartache we are feeling. We don't have to apologize for the tears, or for the fist pumping in anger. We GET each other. I know my friends and family can get tired of me saying the same things over and over, and what I can't help is the fact that I feel the need to always repeat myself. When I relive moments that are painful out loud to my friends and family I know it isn't the most enjoyable conversation, but there are some days when that is what I NEED to do. I try not to always talk about my loss because I don't want to depress everyone around me. This bus provided an environment where we could all talk about our children in heaven and not feel like the people listening wished we would just stop talking about it already!
The funny thing is, I was on this bus as an "encourager" to show women how to make purpose out of our pain. I don't know how many women I encouraged, but I do know there were SO many that encouraged me. I met some incredible women! Some with far more heartbreaking stories than my own. I know there are days when I feel like a complete outcast, I am 24 years old and have 5 children in heaven. Who else has gone through that much loss? The feelings of isolation and failure creep into my heart and mind daily. Hearing other women's stories puts everything in my life into perspective and reminds me to be thankful for what I do have. God could allow so much more to happen to me, but He hasn't. He has me where I am today for a reason. I hope that doesn't come out sounding wrong, it is kind of hard to explain.
All in all, the trip did re-energize me, "emotionally." My body didn't recover from the craziness of all the wedding events, but my soul did! My heart was rejuvenated and I went home feeling like I could tackle what Satan throws my way next!
I know this was kind of a random post filled with different thoughts, but it came from the heart. It resembles the completely chaotic mess of thoughts in my head. There are some days when I just have so much to say but still need to figure out how to break it down into different posts so my fellow readers don't think I'm rambling :) yes, I try and organize my thoughts for you, you all are in my best interest!