All the stress prior to the holiday was pretty much unnecessary. God carried me through the day flawlessly! I did make a few decisions that would make it easier on me. I have learned to do things for myself, recognize that something may be too emotionally hard on me and just do something different. Those of you who really know me, know how hard this is. I am definitely a yes person, I hate saying no! It used to be, that if you invited me to your baby shower, I was there and probably helping throw it. Today, I may or may not make it. I think of myself first, and have realized I don't have to be at every event if it is going to set me back emotionally. (FYI, if you are having a baby shower, please invite me!!! If I feel up to it, I would love to come and celebrate you and your child. The only thing that is worse is not getting an invite, and hearing all my friends talk about it later. I go from grieving my children, or lack there of, to grieving extreme loneliness due to lack of friends.)
Now, yes, I avoided church like the plague this weekend! I know other women trying to conceive, or who have lost children agree with me about church on this holiday. Why do they make all the mom's stand? I know deep down why they do recognize all Mom's because what they do on a daily basis is incredible! They deserve to be recognized and feel special, but it doesn't hurt any less. I never know if I should stay seated, or risk standing and having someone around me think I'm crazy because they don't view me as a mom. What constitutes a mom anyway? I have conceived 5 children, Check! I have given birth, Check! I have loved them unconditionally, Check! I have cared for them endlessly, Check! I did everything imaginable to keep them alive, Check! I planned their memorial, and burial when they did not make here on this earth! From the sound of it, I have done exactly what a mom would do in my situation! I AM A MOM! I will celebrate being a mom!
Ferrari, me, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and their baby went down to some shops on Mother's day. I figured it would be good to get out of the house. No joke, the first shop we walked into was handing out roses to all the moms. Go figure! My first instinct was to run the other direction as fast as possible. Instead, I continued to follow my sister-in-law. The young sales girl skipped over to my SIL and handed her a beautiful white rose. For a second, I swear my heart either stopped or just sank far enough down into my stomach I couldn't feel it beating anymore. My SIL, without skipping a beat, told the girl thank you and how I was a mom too! The sales girl just smiled and handed me a rose too. I was shocked! I glanced at Ferrari to see if he just caught what had happened, and he had. My heart started beating in my chest again, and my eyes welled up with tears. I know the sales girl had no idea what all was going through my head, and how much of an effect that white rose would have on me; but it was THE sweetest part of the day for me. My SIL did not have to do what she did, but I am SO grateful that she had. She recognized me as a mom, and from that moment on every one else in the store would too because I was carrying a beautiful white rose.
I still feel like I am in survival mode, even with Mother's Day behind me. I have the twin's First Birthday Box Making Party through my non-profit, Owl Love You Forever, coming up on May 20! (please email me or RSVP on our facebook page if you want to come) Their actual birthday is May 24, and Father's Day just to top it all off. I know I will get through the next couple months with ease, because I have the greatest God! He will pick me up, or maybe He hasn't put me down yet from this weekend, and carry me through the thick of it! He has done it for me in the past every time I needed Him, and I have no question that He will do it again for me!
I also want to thank all my friends and family who made
my first Mother's Day special.
I loved all the messages, gifts, and special notes I received!