When something throws our plan off, even just a little, we freak out. Well, traveling the road of infertility has felt like that for me. It has been a three year path so far, and it has definitely not gone according to our will. After you have lost 5 babies in 3 years, you start to reassess your plan. You start to ask more questions. Am I on the right path in the first place? I thought this is where God wanted us to be, but maybe it's not.
Ferrari and I had a plan when we got married. We were going to start a family right away! We wanted four children and then we wanted to adopt a precious little one that we could give a home. (I know, Ferrari must really love me to agree to 5 children, haha :) Then, life started to happen and it wasn't going according to our plan. Who would'a thought? We figured our plan was perfect, why would God want to mess that up. Reality is, our plan is far from perfect and it has definitely not gone our way. Yes, we have our five children, they just happen to be living with Jesus instead of here on earth with us. There comes a point when we have to sit back and ask God what is the deal? Obviously, His plan for our life does not mirror our plan for our life.
We have to throw our plan out the window and forget about it. Otherwise, I sit and constantly compare how it is going all wrong. How we had planned to have two children by my 25th birthday, which happens to be this June, and we have none! Each year I vow to myself that I will have a child at Christmas to share the holidays with, 3 Christmases have come and went with no children in my arms.
The way I see it, we only have one option anymore. We have to move forward with complete and utter FAITH. There is no other way! I may not be able to see the path ahead; but God is going to direct where our feet should go, which doctor's to see, and which decisions to make.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
The amazing thing is with faith comes peace. Peace is one of my new favorite things. Waking up in the morning knowing I have no control over my life and where it takes me, ironically gives me peace. When the human side of me stops focusing on MY plan, and allows GOD'S plan for my life to take shape it gives me peace. I know that whatever happens to me or for me comes from God, therefore it will all be for GOOD.
I know some of you reading this are thinking, how can you really live like that in such hard times. Honestly, it is easier for me to live out this faith filled lifestyle when life is hard. When life is 'easy,' the human/sinner side takes over and you don't feel like you need God's help. When you are at the bottom of the barrel the only thing you see is the Light shining down on you from above. It is much easier to focus on the light, the Lord, and nothing else. He is the only way out of this mess, and He is the only way I can get back up on my feet again. We used to recite this verse a lot back in high school, but it now holds a new meaning for me.
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.
When you find yourself in times of trouble, God does not try to hide. He wants you to see Him! He wants us to see His shining face looking down on us. For me, seeing the light from the bottom of the barrel is like seeing God looking down on me, and it gives me peace. When you know He is with you, there is nothing to worry about and that is such a great feeling!