Thursday, March 3, 2011

A Tale from the Bottom of the Barrel

Has there ever been a time in your life where you had to literally trust God with everything, and move forward with faith alone? If you have, you know full well how hard this can be.
When something throws our plan off, even just a little, we freak out. Well, traveling the road of infertility has felt like that for me. It has been a three year path so far, and it has definitely not gone according to our will. After you have lost 5 babies in 3 years, you start to reassess your plan. You start to ask more questions. Am I on the right path in the first place? I thought this is where God wanted us to be, but maybe it's not.
Ferrari and I had a plan when we got married. We were going to start a family right away! We wanted four children and then we wanted to adopt a precious little one that we could give a home. (I know, Ferrari must really love me to agree to 5 children, haha :) Then, life started to happen and it wasn't going according to our plan. Who would'a thought? We figured our plan was perfect, why would God want to mess that up. Reality is, our plan is far from perfect and it has definitely not gone our way. Yes, we have our five children, they just happen to be living with Jesus instead of here on earth with us. There comes a point when we have to sit back and ask God what is the deal? Obviously, His plan for our life does not mirror our plan for our life.
We have to throw our plan out the window and forget about it. Otherwise, I sit and constantly compare how it is going all wrong. How we had planned to have two children by my 25th birthday, which happens to be this June, and we have none! Each year I vow to myself that I will have a child at Christmas to share the holidays with, 3 Christmases have come and went with no children in my arms.
The way I see it, we only have one option anymore. We have to move forward with complete and utter FAITH. There is no other way! I may not be able to see the path ahead; but God is going to direct where our feet should go, which doctor's to see, and which decisions to make.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

The amazing thing is with faith comes peace. Peace is one of my new favorite things. Waking up in the morning knowing I have no control over my life and where it takes me, ironically gives me peace. When the human side of me stops focusing on MY plan, and allows GOD'S plan for my life to take shape it gives me peace. I know that whatever happens to me or for me comes from God, therefore it will all be for GOOD.
I know some of you reading this are thinking, how can you really live like that in such hard times. Honestly, it is easier for me to live out this faith filled lifestyle when life is hard. When life is 'easy,' the human/sinner side takes over and you don't feel like you need God's help. When you are at the bottom of the barrel the only thing you see is the Light shining down on you from above. It is much easier to focus on the light, the Lord, and nothing else. He is the only way out of this mess, and He is the only way I can get back up on my feet again. We used to recite this verse a lot back in high school, but it now holds a new meaning for me.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26

When you find yourself in times of trouble, God does not try to hide. He wants you to see Him! He wants us to see His shining face looking down on us. For me, seeing the light from the bottom of the barrel is like seeing God looking down on me, and it gives me peace. When you know He is with you, there is nothing to worry about and that is such a great feeling!


  1. I also just posted about peace. I would rather have God's peace than anything in the world. Thank you for writing this. Faith is a very hard thing to exercise sometimes, but it has great rewards. I'm praying for you!

  2. Hi Shayla...If there is one thing I have learned in my 56 years of life, it is little goes as planned. The twists and turns of my life have been something that have never ceased to amaze me. And babies, job changes, moves, rebellious children, financial difficulties, and illnesses were just the ordinary things that happened. The stories I could tell you, lol. How many times I found myself at the bottom of that barrel looking up. I KNOW just what you are speaking about here. It may be that our circumstances are very different, but the theory is the same. Just this last year brought me breast cancer, a move from a home I'd lived in for 25 years (before I was really ready to move ~ DEFINITELY not in the plan) my mother had a stroke, my stepdad is fighting lung cancer, and my husband had a MAJOR job change....all unplanned, and might I add UNWELCOME changes that came just this last year. And to finish it all off my arthritis has advanced to the point I am looking at knee replacement surgery and can hardly get around some days....AND YET! I do know of this peace that you speak of. I feel the love of the Lord soo much stronger in my life today than I did when I was younger and it seemed as if we dealt with less. I hold onto Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I know this to be soo true. He works things out MANY times in ways I would have never planned, and yet REALLY were for my ultimate good. I have come to truly believe He DOES work ALL things together for good to those who love Him..(Rom 8:28). I just have to add one last verse that I go to when I find myself in the midst of a great trial and that is Phl 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. If we set our minds on these things then we are promised this..Phl 4:7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. I don't want to pretend to you that I know the pain of your particular suffering. I can only imagine the feelings that you are having. And I can then imagine how difficult it would be. But you are soo on the right path here. We may not know God's ultimate plan for you, but we DO KNOW it is for your ultimate good, and we DO KNOW how much He loves you, and we DO KNOW His timing is perfect. And we DO KNOW that His desire is to bless you. All pretty good things to know.. : ) Still praying for you....Blessings, Debbie

  3. Thanks for the thoughts. I forget that God has a plan for me and I need to be humble and accept that.

  4. Beautiful Shayla. This is what it's like for me too... Praise HIM!

  5. God's peace is amazing to me when I surrender my plans. I know He will strengthen you in your present trial. And I'm believing the impossible for you. All the more glory for God!

  6. Such a precious & wise telling from the sincerity of a broken heart. Believing with you, Shayla, for I know-that-I-know-that-I-know the best is yet to come.

    Blessings & prayers,