A Tale of Fear

     I've been meaning to write this post for what seems like forever, but the reality is fear has kept me from it.  Fear for those feelings I will offend- since this blog was started for those experiencing such raw grief, fear for what may happen after it's in writing, and fear of writing through what I am really feeling.
     However, I was challenged this past week by some words my pastor said at church last Sunday.  He has been battling a life threatening illness for 2 years now, and still manages to look to God in faith that He is in control of every single day.  The statement that resonated with me was, "Fear has no place in our lives, as believers in Christ."  What a simple statement that carries SO much weight.  So to take his words head on and removing fear from my thoughts, it is with great joy that I can announce that we are pregnant with a baby BOY due June 7th.
     I don't want this blog to turn in to a pregnancy blog, but I do want the opportunity to write about being pregnant after loss.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my twins, but since finding out that we are expecting their memories are overwhelming and consuming.  One of my biggest concerns has been losing their memory, and replacing it with this new pregnancy.  I NEED the opportunity to write about what I remember with them in order to keep their memory alive during this pregnancy.  Those babies will forever be my first ones I entered the 2nd trimester with, the first ones I was able to give birth to, the first ones I was able to hold, dress, and bathe, they were the first ones I was able to kiss and decipher whose hands, feet, and features were like their mommy's or daddy's.  I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.
     I expressed to my doctor a couple weeks ago, that I feel slightly "crazy," ok maybe more than slightly.  He assured me that I am not, but that in a sense I have post-traumatic stress type tendencies.  After all, what I went through is not something your human self wants to allow yourself to go through again.  Therefore, my mind is doing everything in its power to make this situation different as a way to guard and protect my heart.  I explained that I want to do everything in my power to make this labor & delivery different.  That I not only pray for a different outcome, but that God would provide ways and ideas for Ferrari and I to make this experience completely different.  I have vague and muddled memories of the day that twins were born, so I don't want this birth to be one I remember so well that I end up replacing the other memories.
     These concerns of mine seem to have come out of no where, because they are things that I have never considered being a problem before.  However, I will be quite honest I never thought I would be this far in to a pregnancy again.  Not that I didn't have faith that God could bring us to the 2nd trimester, but because I didn't think I would ever have the strength to try again.  Now that I am here some days feel like too much to bear, while others I am completely fine.  Oh the joys of hormones :) The emotions seem to be getting more intense as I approach the 22 week mark, which was the week the twins were born.  I need to be able to break past this barrier in my mind, I need to see what it is like past 22 weeks.  This baby boy and this pregnancy are not the last one, things will not go the same way.  With every pregnancy I have felt completely different symptom wise, so why would all the journeys and outcomes be the same?  I need constant reminders that God has a plan for this baby that has nothing to do with the loss of his older sister and brother.
     I would appreciate your prayers and encouragement, especially if you have experienced a rainbow pregnancy.  I DO NOT want to let satan steal my joy of this pregnancy, I DO NOT want him getting the satisfaction of making me miserable.  I will continue to be positive, keep my chin up and rely on God.  I want to take pictures and remember every milestone.  I want to remember what this pregnancy feels like, and I want to remember what it feels like to rely solely on Christ to get me through yet another situation.  I will be stronger for it, and so will my family.  I can proudly say I am 100% attached to my son inside me, I will not protect myself by not fully connecting with him.  He is a child of mine, no matter the outcome and I will love him dearly and care for him the best ways I know how while he is here with me.