Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A Tale of Week 22

     I can still remember the feeling of letting air exit my lungs for the first time when I saw my baby's heartbeat on the screen after I had reached the 12 week mark.   It almost burned my lungs, as if I hadn't truly been breathing for the past few months.  The pure untouchable joy only lasted a moment.  As I drew my first deep breath in, my mind began to focus on the next few months and the obstacles we would need to over come.   This is what pregnancy after loss feels like, with each obstacle conquered there is always a new challenge on the horizon.
     After our 12 week ultrasound, confirming we still had a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat; my focus shifted to maintaining this pregnancy and all that would entail.  Prior to getting pregnant, we were told a cerclage may be needed right at 13 weeks.  After researching and discussing with the doctor the risks involved we chose to take a different route.  We would start a weekly injection routine beginning at 16 weeks, as well as weekly ultrasounds.  The ultrasounds would indicate any changes to the length of my cervix, and at the first sign of it shortening- a cerclage would be put in.  The shots would continue through the entire pregnancy in hopes to keep preterm labor at bay.  I am so HAPPY to say this routine has been working and here we are at week 22...
     Week 22 may not seem like a big turning point for everyone, in fact most women have week 24 as the next big milestone as the doctors deem the baby viable outside the womb.  And yes, I do have that week coming up on my radar but for now making it through week 22 is HUGE.  Probably bigger than any other week in my pregnancy because this week in my pregnancy four years ago is the one that changed everything.  It was that day in May, when we had began to really nest and were clearing out the twins' nursery so it could be painted prior to their furniture arriving.
     So these past couple of weeks as we began to prepare Audie's big girl room, cleaning it out to paint and waiting for the furniture I couldn't help but focus on the similarities to four years ago.  I kept thinking, ok this is the week things will change.  Why should things be going perfect?  I couldn't help but expect something bad to happen and for things to start going wrong.  All I have known up until today is pregnancies not going well, and it is awful that the joy of pregnancy has been stolen.  It is hard to wake up everyday and just breathe deeply.
     I'm beginning to think I won't breathe deeply until this baby is in my arms, but even then will I truly stop worrying?  Most likely not, for the life of a parent includes lots of concerns as they grow, change, get sick, start to misbehave, go to school, and eventually move out on their own.  The concerns of a parent are never done, you never get to check a box and move on wiping your hands clean of anything that your child experiences.  You have a bond that is unlike any other, and no one can remove that from you.  So, I guess I should rest assured that this may be how I breathe for years to come :) Just kidding, well kind of.
     I may not forever live in fear of what ultrasounds show or don't show, lack of kicks and movement I feel in my stomach, and if he will take his first and last breath in the same day; but rather my focus will change on how to raise this little boy into a God fearing and noble man.
     With life, experiences change us and shape us in to a more mature version of ourselves.  The good thing is God doesn't throw us in to the person we will become, over night.  He gives us moments, days, and years to fine tune us from the inside out.  He uses each experience we encounter as a stepping stone to something bigger.  I am SO thankful for a God that has it all figured out.  As I sit here in total trust of His plan for me, I am still aware that today will bring plenty of doubting thoughts that race through my mind.  You aren't truly human if those thoughts don't ever creep in, but as long as we have the tools to over come those thoughts we will be ok.  Scripture is THE biggest way for me to fight the enemy.  It's God's way of reassuring me even though I can not audibly hear His voice, He is behind me, beside me, and often carrying me through.  The doubts and fears are what the enemy uses to try and bring us down, to battle him make sure you have an arsenal of weapons like this verse

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

1 comment:

  1. Continuing to pray for you! I love this post, so full of honesty and grace. You are amazing!!