Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A Tale of Week 25


     It just doesn't seem possible, but we are in fact over 25 weeks along!  Taking things day by day, but somehow the weeks still fly by.  We have officially graduated from weekly appointments, other than injections, and are being treated like everyone else with dr appointments 4 weeks apart!  I can hardly believe it, and quite frankly think I'm going to miss my nurses over the next few weeks!  They seriously have become like family, and they are all pulling for this baby boy.  I have never felt more at home in my office than I have over the past few months.  I no longer feel like they think I am completely insane for wanting to try again, but that they are standing beside me anxious for his safe arrival.  They even give me hugs and high fives as we pass our weekly milestones!  To be quite honest, I feel like a bit of a celebrity there.  A couple weeks ago a NEW nurse called my name from the waiting room, and immediately another nurse pointed out Audie's birth announcement to her on their bulletin board.  She walked me to my room, and we could over hear two more nurses outside the door talking about me before coming in just to say hi and see how I was doing :)  The new nurse threw me a weird look, and I just giggled to myself.  Such a nice change to those hard days after each loss.
     Anyway, being pregnant after loss is a bit of a juggling act- being overcome with hopeful thoughts and trying to not let the negative ones take over.  For me, a day is considered a good one if I can make sure the positive thoughts out weigh my worries.  But without a doubt, it is a daily struggle.
     Lately, I have begun allowing myself to nest, slightly.  I will admit, I have had to talk myself through a lot of my purchases.  Literally, combating my own thoughts that try so hard to convince me that any day things could take a turn for the worse.  I online shop, put everything in my cart, and then the items sit there for hours or sometimes days.  But, I am proud to say that the first purchases have been made!  I ordered a few items for the nursery and even some clothes.  I had a goal of getting most of the big things done by 30 weeks, just in case.  I'm not sure I'll reach that goal, but never the less it has been my motivation to get things moving.
     With the twins, I had very little purchased prior to their arrival.  I had the nursery furniture and a handful of clothes bought by me and some family members.  Our baby shower invitations had been designed, ordered, and arrived within days of the twins' birth.  Therefore, they were not mailed out, so we were spared the piles of pastel goodies that would have flooded the nursery.  Prior to adopting, we did box up what we did had for them, and I pulled out a few of Hadilyn's things for Audie to wear once she came home.  It was so special to see her in those clothes, I am so glad we kept everything.  Yesterday I looked through the box again at the boy stuff.  I pulled out a few items for this little one to wear.  And every time he wears one of these outfits I will spend the day dreaming about his brother in heaven.  This little nameless guy definitely has an army of older siblings in heaven, and I like to think of them as the ones who sent this angel down to earth for us to enjoy!

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