Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Reality is...

     Reality is, it's getting harder to write.  It's getting harder to breathe, literally, his feet are in my ribs ;)  I am now over 35 weeks pregnant, and the doubt and fear that takes over at times is just too much.  I literally poked and prodded at my poor sleeping son the other night, I couldn't get him to kick me back and within 2 seconds my mind had raced through every possibility of what could have occurred.  I shook Ferrari awake, my calm hubby kindly reminded me that he was probably in a dead sleep and would take a minute to wake up.  Which he did, and when I felt those jabs, painful as they were, a huge smile radiated across my face and I dried my tears.  He was ok, he was alive, and his heart must be beating because he sure had started to beat up on my insides :) Do you know how many of these moments I experience daily?  I'm sure its a normal fear even for pregnant women that haven't lost a child, but there is something about when these experiences happen that take me back to those moments before the twins were born.  When I couldn't hear, couldn't focus, couldn't believe what was about to happen.  The reality becomes too close to my heart, what I thought was once healed and possibly forgotten, is quickly remembered all too well.
     Truth is, in most moments, I want him born.  I want him out of my flawed human body because for some crazy reason I feel that he will be safer outside of me, as if Satan can't get to him then.  How could I have gone the past 8 months begging God to keep him inside, and now suddenly want him out.  Am I a bad mother for thinking this way? I don't think so, even though some people's comments make me second guess myself.  Can this anxiety really be healthy for him?  The roller coaster of emotions is getting tough, and it doesn't help when everyone takes one look at me and assumes it will only be a few more days by my size.  I correct them with well about 7, 6, and now 5 more weeks actually.  Then I start to concentrate on just how long 5 more weeks really could be and can I physically and emotionally even handle that?
     One HUGE fear of mine is having him decide to come on May 24th, my twins' birthday.  That possibly couldn't happen right?!?  I mean what are the odds?!?  Well, to be quite honest, I have a handful of stories about a sibling being born on an angelversary.  One was even twins, being born a year later on their twin sibling's 1st Birthday in Heaven!  See, crazier things have happened.  I want my son to have his own day, his own special celebrated time that he doesn't have to share with his siblings he never got to meet.  It doesn't seem fair to him, or them.  I can just picture him resenting me some day, during his teenage years, as if I could have controlled it in some way.
     This post is definitely not one of my prouder moments, it's not beautifully written or heavily edited.  But what it is, is real.  Trust me, with pregnancy brain and hormones raging through my body this is just about all I could put together.  I think about blogging, writing, some how capturing these feelings so I can come back later and read them.  But, would I even want to remember them?  I definitely want to remember my pregnancy, I am trying to focus on soaking in every moment I can with this sweet boy growing (very largely) inside of me.  But, will I want to reflect back on the anxiety I felt?  Will I ever dare to put myself through this again?  I have no idea, but if what I am experiencing can help one other women when she experiences it, then this post will be worth it.  These random raw feelings, will bring me back to the hard days and allow me to connect with another mom fearing the life of her unborn baby.  I just love what my friend, Kathe Wunnenberg, always says.  "We go through what we go through, to help others go through what we went through." And if that quote right there, doesn't sum up my entire blog then what I am doing is pointless.  I could keep a private journal so I don't forget anything dear to me, but I choose to put it here.  Where others experiencing something similar can get support, or friends and family can get ideas about what their loved ones are going through and how they can help.
     I can't imagine going through infertility, pregnancy loss, adopting, or infant loss without God.  I rely on Him more than anyone else, after all sometimes He is the only one there to listen as 3:00 in the morning ;)  He can calm my heart and provide me with a peace that truly passes human understanding.  I know God has this little boy's birth all planned out, and I know it is a perfect one for a perfect day.  If only I could remember that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Today, I am asking God for strength to forge ahead, its only a few more weeks!  I can do it, with Him.  I can do it, with all the support from my family and friends.  I can do it, for my son.  And later this week, or later today when I need a reminder of that I can reread this post!
     When I first found out I was pregnant, a group of very dear friends of mine prayed over this baby.  We prayed specifically for a son.  A son, that would be born alive and healthy.  They continue to pray LIFE over this baby boy!  Their belief that God will deliver on this prayer, is such an encouragement to me.  I can't wait to meet my Mr. Miracle.

1 comment:

  1. Reading your post took me back to when I was pregnant with my daughter after losing my twin sons. Everything you are feeling is so very normal. I too begged God to keep her alive but felt like she was safer outside of my body. My body had already failed my sons and I was so terrified it may happen again. Once I hit the 34 week mark my anxiety got much worse. Her due date was the day before their birthday and it terrified me that I might have her on their day. I actually had to be induced 10 days before my sons birthday, so that worked out. My feelings of fear still lurk around and my daughter just turned one, it's like the fears evolve. I feel so blessed to have her and I am still so afraid to lose her.

    I'm wishing you peace and comfort through these last few weeks.