Saturday, May 17, 2014

Spirit Lead Me

     As I sit here and watch my tummy roll with activity from my sons strong kicks, I can't help but reflect on before I was pregnant.  I slept differently, dressed differently, ate differently, and looked quite differently.  Lately, I have been trying to imagine what it will feel like once he is in my arms and not my stomach anymore.  How many hours will pass before I long to feel him kick inside of me again?  As much as his strong kicks can cause discomfort, with each kick and movement I am reassured he is alive and God is not done with his life.
     It was exactly one year ago that Ferrari and I started discussing how we were going to go about adding to our family.  We had such a great experience adopting Audie, that it was honestly what we figured we would do again.  Our agency makes you wait for the youngest child in your home to be one before being listed back in the matchbook.  So naturally, we started getting questions about if/when we would decide to go back in the book.  It was surprising to us that when the one year mark came around, we weren't really on board with being in the matchbook.  We didn't quite know if it was because we weren't ready to add to our family, or if it just wasn't quite the path we wanted to take.  We let nearly 3 months go by without bringing the topic up to each other.  I kept making a list in my head of things I wanted to accomplish or complete before I would feel comfortable being put back in the book, all the while "knowing" I was just adding to the list out of convenience to buy me more time.
   When the topic of trying again for a biological child came up, it was one that I didn't quite know how to respond to.  I had pretty much sworn off trying to get pregnant with clomid again, it had brought us so much loss and heartache.  For those of you that may not know, we have only ever been able to conceive while using clomid.  However, each of the 4 pregnancies ended in some type of loss and we were cautioned that this might not be our best option.  Excessive rounds of this drug are known to cause cancer and we have a high probability of miscarrying based on our track record.  When going this route, we don't have the opportunity to "biopsy" the embryo like when we did IVF to see if it is deemed "healthy;" therefore we would be blindly moving forward.
     However, the idea of clomid kept creeping into my mind.  I decided to bring it up to Ferrari and see his thoughts.  Surprisingly, he was on board to entertain the idea as long as our doctor agreed.  So, I gave the office a call and waited.  The topic consumed my thoughts, and I just couldn't quite decide if this was what I wanted or not.  I spent a lot of time in prayer, pleading with God to show us which path to take and it wasn't until I received my call back that it became clear.  When talking to the doctor, I sensed in her voice not good news.  I got the feeling from her tone that after they discussed it, my team of doctors had decided it wouldn't be a good idea.  My heart sank low, and I wasn't expecting that.  I almost started to block out what she said next, to protect my heart from hearing the door was closed.  But, she wasn't in fact delivering this news, she was calling to inform me that they had discussed it and all decided it would be in our best interest to try clomid once more.  When I "thought" they were removing the option of clomid from us, it was in that moment that I realized I was so upset because that is what I was really wanting.  God was giving me PEACE with trying clomid again, and I could hardly believe it.
     Obviously, we went ahead and tried clomid one more time and I think you can tell that we are SO incredibly happy we did.  We could have gone forward with adopting again, or even tried IVF again to better our chance of transferring a "healthy/biopsied" embryo.  But, we didn't.  We moved forward with the single most terrifying path.  Clomid was the route that could involve the most heartache, with the longest road, most hiccups, and biggest let downs.  This path would require the most amount of faith we could muster.  The "safest" route would have been adopting again, but God was not leading us down that path.  Our agency always told us, adopting is a sure thing.  You don't know how long it will take, but one day you will take home a forever baby.  No one could promise us that with clomid.
    I've shared before just how much lyrics of songs can speak to me.  This song is one that can take me right back to the day we made the clomid decision.  This song has the power to remind me of the peace God gave me in making that decision.  It encourages me to continue through this pregnancy, and to turn to God on those hard days.  It challenges me to go deeper, to allow God more room to utilize me.  He is the one that has brought me through this pregnancy, and He will be there when this baby boy is delivered.  It is according to His plan when our little miracle will make his debut, and his life will always be in God's hands.  My son will forever remind me of just how strong my faith can be.  He will be a constant encouragement to me, to allow God to take me deeper.  I don't want to live a "safe" life, I want to live one that is scary and messy and allows me to rely fully on Him.  Had we not taken the risk of trying for another biological child, I would never know what 37 weeks pregnant feels like.  God is good, and we are SO incredibly blessed by Him!

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1 comment:

  1. Your story speaks to me, as it is so similar to mine. I lost my twin boys at 22.5 weeks due to possible IC and/or Chorio. We are terrified to try again, but we have 8 frozen embryos left from our IVF cycle with Conner and Ben and I am desperate to go back and get them. It gives me some hope that you have reached 37 weeks! What a wonderful blessing!